Friday, May 11, 2007
Coping with cancer...at least I think I am
I think I am finally dealing with the betrayal of my cancer never leaving my body, I gave a breast, I gave my life's blood and I went through 4 months of hell called chemotherapy.....I did it for me, my Jim, my Kids and my Family and friends....I did it because I believed that I could be one the lucky ones that only had to deal with this once in my lifetime....I found out way toooo soon that this was not to be true.
Here I was barely 3 months out of treatment and all the time the cancer cells were multiplying and multiplying...then after a 6 day stay in the hospital I find out that it has already spread to my lungs, my spine and my brain.....I do not ask "Why Me?" There is no answer to that question....what I am having a hard time understanding is why is it trying so hard to take me from those I love? With cancer there are only two sides to fall on.....the ones that live after their diagnosis and the ones that don't.....I thought I knew which side I was going to land on....I am struggling so hard this time around emotionally......I am a strong woman, I know that...what I am having a hard time doing is going deeper for more of my fighting nature to keep battling with the strength that I did in the beginning....before it was just a breast, now it's every breath I take, it's the broken thought processes that I am now experiencing, it's the fear that every pain I feel I think to myself is that cancer? has it spread to that part of me too?
I have to admit I am weaker this time around but that does NOT mean I am giving up, I am just staying in my head a lil longer than usual....there (in my head) is where I remember who I am and where I came from and all that I have had to endure to get me to where I am today....that is where I find the warrior in me....give me some time and I will find her again....right now I need to just be quiet, just be still and rest. There are quite a number of reasons I am exhausted....cancer itself for one, chemo (again) radiation and every smell makes me want to get sick...nothing sounds good enough for me to eat, so when I do eat I am making healthier choices.....plenty of fresh fruit, raw vegetables, for protein I eat string cheese and to make sure I get enough vitamins and nutrients I am drinking slim fasts.
Today I will complete my first week of radiation.....I hate it because for a few minutes I am strapped to a table by my face and head under a mask, but once that machine kicks on and I hear the noise that the radiation or machine makes I feel like jumping up and screaming die you bastards die......not the tech's....the cancer cells! lol Today is also my first whole day off of chemo....I get a week off and then probably back on again for two weeks. I hope I get some of my strength back this weekend....all I want to do now is sleep on and off all day, so I do.
I want this treatment to work this time.......they say after cancer all you have left is hope.....I don't want hope if it's false hope, I don't want the rest of my life to always be about treatment....I want some of the joy and the happiness that I had before cancer...when I am sick...I am weak, but I still throw those pills down my throat twice a day, I still show up for the radiation, I still make and keep all Doctor appointments and I still want to kick cancers ass. Right now I need time to rest, time for my family...if I don't return a phone call or an email or a two way, it's not that you aren't important to me because you all are, you're my rocks.....it's just that I need time in my safe place....my head and Jim's arms.
This is my journey, this is my life.