So much to tell so little brain function available to put it all down in words so forgive me for any "What?" you might come across....lol!
I am finding doing oral chemo and whole brain radiation a bit more taxing on my mind this time then before on just the chemo...nuff said about that, so all I want to do is daze in and out of sleep Monday through Friday which I am blessed to be able to do....sometimes it's hard being a stay at home goddess! <smirk>
Last Wednesday I reached my half way point on radiation and met with Dr. Nuke and went over the problems I was experiencing while being nuked....food became an enemy and I now weigh less that my Driver's License says I do! Give me an amen on that everyone! lol In my grand schemes of things or my irrational thinking of why I am going through everything I am going through is I BETTER get a long remission in able to finally feel comfortable to strut my stuff down here on earth before passing on to my next appointment! Whatever works for motivation on the days I need it works for me right?? lol
I was put on steroids for some minor brain swelling due to whole brain radiation, which will also take care of my dry heaves, loss of appetite and loss of energy....so go steroids!
I also met with Dr. Serious who was none to thrilled over my latest tumor marker test and even less pleased with my latest chest x -ray....fluid was building back up under my left lung and I was ordered to go down stairs to out patient and have another chest x-ray which warranted for me to go back into the hospital for an out patient lung tap again.....last time they drained 600 cc's of fluid out of my lungs this time 1300 cc's but the good news in all this is the largest tumor in my right lung did show a slight decrease in size after only one dose of the new oral chemo drug called Xeloda...............so go ME!!!! If the big one shrunk they are assuming that the middle ones and little ones and the lesion might vanish all together as treatment goes on! Everybody happy dance with me! After my lung tap I was able to go with my best friends Michelle and Mar out to a late lunch in an out door lunch cafe and it felt so good to be out in the warm fresh air after 2 weeks of nothing but bed rest...my life's battery got a jump start on feeling better and knowing that I only have the one more week of radiation brought back a little bit of my warrior spark....which I desperately went inside seeking to find.
My hair should start falling out any day now, and if it starts to overwhelm me I will let my Brother have the honor of shaving it all off instead of watching it fall out slowly....buzzing it give me the power over my hair loss not the whole brain radiation...I get some extra warrior strength at being in charge of that instead of the treatment.
I was finally able to reach the spot deep inside myself to be able to express what I am feeling this time around and once I found the words it became easier to deal with....what I learned was that even though I have the utmost trust and respect in my medical staff and the utmost respect and trust in the cancer center that is treating me, but what I am lacking this time around is having blind trust in the treatment this time around considering I did everything on time and as planned the first time around to only find out that it did absolutely nothing for me...my body didn't respond to the treatment that it has done for millions of other breast cancer patients....so trusting with blind faith that this treatment will be the one that works I am finding my self struggling to believe in that whole heartedly and most understand as to why...once I knew what it was that was bothering me I had a quick change around and started to feel better emotionally and I needed that.
Next week is my last (I hope) of radiation and I am looking forward to that date more than you know.......one more treatment under my belt once less bad/sad experience I can let go of....if I look back and go over every stumbling block that I had to over come I would be so overwhelmed and paralyzed to take the next step forward so I never look back over what I have accomplished so far throughout this ordeal and in doing so it lets me take one moment by moment of each day and to be able to warrior through it to give me another tomorrow.
Next I would like to thank Angie from over at the Giving Tree and all the special angels that contributed to my special bracelet of hope...it arrived just in time to wear it to my nuke appointment and it gave me great strength while fingering each slide on there while undergoing treatment it gave me such strength just when I needed it....your love and caring for me reaches many miles all the way to my heart and I thank you!
Mary your card and quick notes always hit the right spot with me...I giggle and feel the hugs with each card.........Jeanne youare so very special to me because of your belief in my over coming this battle re ignites me just when I need it the most...to all my other chemo/cancer angels who leave prayers, best wishes and good karma carry me many more days than you will every know and I will never be able to tell you how much that means to me!
The trickle down effect of all this goodwill sent through J-Land is extraordinary and the ripple effect reaches far and wide and finds ways into other people hearts, other people lifes and other people problems that it gives a quiet ripple effect that reaches far and wide....I often get asked about how easily I find sharing my personal cancer journey with every friend and new stranger that stumbles across my blog and I always say that to have lived, learned and experienced everything I have gone through so far, to keep it under lock and key would only show how shallow of a humanitarian I would be if I kept all this to myself to wallow in self pity instead of putting it ALL out there to help the next person whose path is meant to cross mine and mine is meant to cross theirs to make their burden a lil less heavy and to take load off of mine from time to time....reaching out and helping the next person who needs a lil guidance has brought me tremendous peace and a new calling once I kick this cancer ass this time around.
I hope my drug induced words that somehow found there way into thoughts makes some sense to someone and gives others the insight that they need to be the caretakers, family and friends of those who are going through a life changing illness....when I am strong I want to help the next person that crosses my path and is meant to cross that path and when I am weak I let all of you carry me until I am strong enough to carry myself again....what a wonderful full circle that give me and strengthens me at the same time.
I promise once I finish up my last round of radiation, and an additional week to recover from that.... the old warrior will emerge and I will share everything in a more timely fashion........in the meantime take care of yourselves and each other!