Friday, May 18, 2007

Better Days are coming!

So much to tell so little brain function available to put it all down in words so forgive me for any "What?" you might come across....lol!

I am finding doing oral chemo and whole brain radiation a bit more taxing on my mind this time then before on just the chemo...nuff said about that, so all I want to do is daze in and out of sleep Monday through Friday which I am blessed to be able to do....sometimes it's hard being a stay at home goddess! <smirk>

Last Wednesday I reached my half way point on radiation and met with Dr. Nuke and went over the problems I was experiencing while being nuked....food became an enemy and I now weigh less that my Driver's License says I do! Give me an amen on that everyone! lol In my grand schemes of things or my irrational thinking of why I am going through everything I am going through is I BETTER get a long remission in able to finally feel comfortable to strut my stuff down here on earth before passing on to my next appointment! Whatever works for motivation on the days I need it works for me right?? lol
I was put on steroids for some minor brain swelling due to whole brain radiation, which will also take care of my dry heaves, loss of appetite and loss of energy....so go steroids!

I also met with Dr. Serious who was none to thrilled over my latest tumor marker test and even less pleased with my latest chest x -ray....fluid was building back up under my left lung and I was ordered to go down stairs to out patient and have another chest x-ray which warranted for me to go back into the hospital for an out patient lung tap again.....last time they drained 600 cc's of fluid out of my lungs this time 1300 cc's but the good news in all this is the largest tumor in my right lung did show a slight decrease in size after only one dose of the new oral chemo drug called Xeloda...............so go ME!!!! If the big one shrunk they are assuming that the middle ones and little ones and the lesion might vanish all together as treatment goes on! Everybody happy dance with me! After my lung tap I was able to go with my best friends Michelle and Mar out to a late lunch in an out door lunch cafe and it felt so good to be out in the warm fresh air after 2 weeks of nothing but bed rest...my life's battery got a jump start on feeling better and knowing that I only have the one more week of radiation brought back a little bit of my warrior spark....which I desperately went inside seeking to find.

My hair should start falling out any day now, and if it starts to overwhelm me I will let my Brother have the honor of shaving it all off instead of watching it fall out slowly....buzzing it give me the power over my hair loss not the whole brain radiation...I get some extra warrior strength at being in charge of that instead of the treatment.

I was finally able to reach the spot deep inside myself to be able to express what I am feeling this time around and once I found the words it became easier to deal with....what I learned was that even though I have the utmost trust and respect in my medical staff and the utmost respect and trust in the cancer center that is treating me, but what I am lacking this time around is having blind trust in the treatment this time around considering I did everything on time and as planned the first time around to only find out that it did absolutely nothing for me...my body didn't respond to the treatment that it has done for millions of other breast cancer patients....so trusting with blind faith that this treatment will be the one that works I am finding my self struggling to believe in that whole heartedly and most understand as to why...once I knew what it was that was bothering me I had a quick change around and started to feel better emotionally and I needed that.

Next week is my last (I hope) of radiation and I am looking forward to that date more than you know.......one more treatment under my belt once less bad/sad experience I can let go of....if I look back and go over every stumbling block that I had to over come I would be so overwhelmed and paralyzed to take the next step forward so I never look back over what I have accomplished so far throughout this ordeal and in doing so it lets me take one moment by moment of each day and to be able to warrior through it to give me another tomorrow.

Next I would like to thank Angie from over at the Giving Tree and all the special angels that contributed to my special bracelet of hope...it arrived just in time to wear it to my nuke appointment and it gave me great strength while fingering each slide on there while undergoing treatment it gave me such strength just when I needed it....your love and caring for me reaches many miles all the way to my heart and I thank you!

Mary your card and quick notes always hit the right spot with me...I giggle and feel the hugs with each card.........Jeanne youare so very special to me because of your belief in my over coming this battle re ignites me just when I need it the most...to all my other chemo/cancer angels who leave prayers, best wishes and good karma carry me many more days than you will every know and I will never be able to tell you how much that means to me!

The trickle down effect of all this goodwill sent through J-Land is extraordinary and the ripple effect reaches far and wide and finds ways into other people hearts, other people lifes and other people problems that it gives a quiet ripple effect that reaches far and wide....I often get asked about how easily I find sharing my personal cancer journey with every friend and new stranger that stumbles across my blog and I always say that to have lived, learned and experienced everything I have gone through so far, to keep it under lock and key would only show how shallow of a humanitarian I would be if I kept all this to myself to wallow in self pity instead of putting it ALL out there to help the next person whose path is meant to cross mine and mine is meant to cross theirs to make their burden a lil less heavy and to take load off of mine from time to time....reaching out and helping the next person who needs a lil guidance has brought me tremendous peace and a new calling once I kick this cancer ass this time around.

I hope my drug induced words that somehow found there way into thoughts makes some sense to someone and gives others the insight that they need to be the caretakers, family and friends of those who are going through a life changing illness....when I am strong I want to help the next person that crosses my path and is meant to cross that path and when I am weak I let all of you carry me until I am strong enough to carry myself again....what a wonderful full circle that give me and strengthens me at the same time.

I promise once I finish up my last round of radiation, and an additional week to recover from that.... the old warrior will emerge and I will share everything in a more timely fashion........in the meantime take care of yourselves and each other!

Love,

Kimberleigh

45 comments:

plieck30 said...

I was just thinking of you today and here you are. Glad you were able to post but then that is you being the "go getter" you are. Praying for you everyday. Glad you were able to get out for a while and know you will be doing that more soon. Caring about you, Paula

ukgal36 said...

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pharmolo said...

Very pleased to hear your positive attitude, Kim, and hope your wishes are granted. Keep up your spirits!

pippa1116 said...

you are such an inspiration.  I have a question though.  does radiation leave burned places on you?  I have heard that it does with some people.  I suppose that is dependant with the amount recv'd.  and I also don't know exactly what they mean as "burned".  I wonder if it is a darkening of the area?
anyway, we decide every day what our attitude about things is going to be.  you prove that with each and every entry.
I love you and your bravery and spirit.
tina

mutualaide said...

{{{Kim}}} So glad to read your words and feel your spirit.  While you feel us lifting you it is good to read that you recognize the positive effect you have on all of us.  Prayers, good thoughts and wishes.  Today and always.

ekgillen said...

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malagutigrrl said...

You are WITHOUT A DOUBT once of the most amazing warrior women I've ever had the pleasure of knowing.  Thank you for writing to us.
Love, MJ

sangrialel said...

I am so glad to hear you souhttp://journals.aol.com/sangrialel/sangria-two/nding like your normal warrior self!  You have been in my thoughts and prayers.  Linda

canyonsun04 said...

((((((((((((((((((((( Kimberleigh)))))))))))))))))))))))
keep on fighting lady :) IT will be over before you know it! I'm glad you liked your bracelet. Lot's of amazing people here in Jland :) And all are fighting with ya
Hugs
Ang

frankandmary said...

Whatever size your "Stuff" is we welcome it.  Strut it freely.  ~ Mary
ps brain function is overrated.

rdautumnsage said...

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heavenlybama said...

I'm just now getting around to putting journals on alerts on this new s/n.  Thank you for sharing your life and story.  You're an amazing warrior.
Hugs,
D
http://journals.aol.com/heavenlybama/journey-to-success

sugerb6 said...

Kim you strut your stuff well!!! Your inspirational words left me with no whats? it all made total sense. Your willingness to share thoughts, feelings, ups and downs, has touched the lives of many, who have or will in the future face a devastating illness. Keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.
Love
Debbie

ktkamanski said...

You truly are an angel that GOD has poured his strength into!!!! The words you have put together explains from the heart what this whole ordeal is all about.  You are an inspiration to many, with an attitude that only a warrior can arm themselves with!  You Rock!!!  Have a warm weekend full of the things you dream of most! Take care of you and yours - always!

bmorrrick said...

Hi Kim,

I always feel a sense of relief when I see that you've been able to leave an entry so we'll know how you are doing.  You're such a brave, special lady.  Keeping you in my prayers, as always.

Take Care,
~Bilinda~

klconard1 said...

((((((hugs and prayers))))))  I am glad to see you posting, Kim, and continuing to root for your treatments killing all cancer cells.
loving you
karyl

astaryth said...

Each time I see an entry from you I first breathe a sigh of relief knowing that you are well enough to journal.... THEN I rush over here to read. Your strength always amazes me! {{{Hugs}}} and as always sending you all the positive energy I can.
http://journals.aol.com/astaryth/AdventuresofanEclecticMind/
http://adventuresofaneclecticmind.blogspot.com/

wildautumn1 said...

You are an absolutely incredible person!

irenemaeclark said...

Life can be unfair, but because it is ours, we cling to it.  When we are weak, God is our strength....regardless of what we face He is ever present.  We are always within His reach.  We can always call upon Him to carry us through our trials.  We don't have to understand the trial...we just need to trust in The God over all.   We can chose to draw closer to God and to claim our personal relationship with Him.  We can entrust our lives to God...knowing that He is The Great Healer.  Become stronger because you know that because He lives you too have life.  May God breathe new life into you and grant you comfort, peace and good health.
                  Love & Prayers....get well soon!

chat2missie said...

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nightmaremom said...

sending continued strength
d

ajquinn354 said...

Kimberleigh, never doubted that the old warrior in you would return.  So glad to see your words.  Know this has been one heck of a rough ride for you this time around, but the decrease in size of the large tumor in your right lung and that's a start in your good news.....just keep the faith dear and remember not every treatment works the way we want, sometimes it takes an extra round of treatment that's different but, what your body says "this will work for me".  Found this out with my Cousin Bruce who's got lung cancer.....some things didn't work for Bruce, his latest treatments are going very well.  So well that Bruce and the family took a trip from Ohio to Colorado, drove the whole way coming and going, enjoyed visiting and seeing many wonderful sites along the way and back, arriving back in Ohio earlier today. Glad you had an outing with your dear friends, that's always a real pick me up. You take care, know you are always in all of our thoughts and prayers dear "Special Sister" and we all love you.....Arlene (AJ)

shauneenie said...

Dearest Kimberleigh.....I have no words to express myself....praying for you...MUCH LOVE to you....you are such a blessing....Shauneen xxxx

shauneenie said...

This Too Shall Pass

If I can endure for this minute
Whatever is happening to me,
No matter how heavy my heart is
Or how dark the moment may be-
If I can remain calm and quiet
With all the world crashing about me,
Secure in the knowledge God loves me
When everyone else seems to doubt me-
If I can but keep on believing
What I know in my heart to be true,
That darkness will fade with the morning
And that this will pass away, too-
Then nothing in life can defeat me
For as long as this knowledge remains
I can suffer whatever is happening
For I know God will break all of the chains
That are binding me tight in the darkness
And trying to fill me with fear-
For there is no night without dawning
And I know that my morning is near.

Helen Steiner Rice

LOVE,SHAUNEEN

asmcmh said...

You are an inspirataion.  You give me strength and courage to face whatever life has in store for me.  Thank you.  You will always be in my prayers.  

Mona

am4039 said...

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thinkingoutloud said...

It's great to find you have left an entry.
I can understand your need to back off and re-adjust.

I feel very fortunate to be able to read your words as you take this journey.  Not many people would be able to share like you have.  You have a special gift in that respect.  And I thank you for sharing your ups and downs.

Keeping you in my prayers and sending lots of love n' good vibes your way, I am.
Niki

gehi6 said...

What wonderful words of power and strength coming from you, Kim.  It was an inspiration to read them.   That is how you give so much back, with a manifestation of the courage the human spirit is capable of when so much is at stake.  My thoughts are with you.  Gerry
http://journals.aol.com/gehi6/daughters-of-the-shadow-men/  

fasttrack58 said...

Have a blessed Sunday!!!
Linda :)

preciousone25 said...

I have such an admiration for you... you ARE strong, even if you don't feel it at the moment!!  I was complaining today because I have cramps.... what a wimp, huh!??  You amaze me with your strength!!
My prayers are still with you!!  And I'm giving you hugs, always, k?!

Joann

tendernoggle said...

This entry.....................Kim...............This is exactly why I love and admire you so much......You are: love, hope, faith, and STRENGTH personified.
GOD BLESS YOU AND KEEP HIS HOLY LIGHT ALL ABOUT YOU.
LOVE,
CARLENE

justjenn224 said...

Hi I stumbled across your blog after adding an entry in mine. I can't tell you how inspiring it was reading just one entry I think you are very couragous woman and although I am not a cancer survivor I am a survivor of many other tragedies. Thank you for just being such an inspiration to so many  people it seems. Good Luck and God Bless. Jenn

gosso23 said...

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thegirlnexdoor77 said...

Kim you are my hero...keep fighting I love ya girl!!!!!!!!!!!  Hugs,TerryAnn

dragondrops said...

(((Kim)))   I'm comin out of lurking to say you give It some girl ! Take care of you
Nessa xxx

hestiahomeschool said...

Hang in there sweetie. The radiation SUCKS but it will work, and then your hair will grow back (that is why I have never cut mine since) and you will be having a good time again. Right now SLEEP all you can, and think positive thoughts. Prayer really works. And chocolate.

Hugs to you, I know how you feel darling,
Kas

gandsbrock said...

I am so glad to see you again!  Only one more week for radiation - that is great!  Plus I'm happy dancing about the larger spot shrinking.  No comment on the other business.  Consider that fluid snubbed.  humpf.  I think you are wonderful to think of helping others at a time when you are in the middle of all this.  You have a very warm heart underneath that warrior exterior.  Go Kim Go!
Stephanie

swferstl said...

One more week, Lil Miss Home Goddess!!! You can do it! Almost over!
mucho hugs, sher (wunzuponatime)

iamtish0726 said...

My Journal is now public again.  That means that all the comments that I had posted are no longer published.  I talked to Mister's parents and sister and they said not to worry about him.  That I could write about anything that I felt.  Which is cool because I missed being public.  Check me out when you get a chance.  Send people on over.  http://journals.aol.com/iamtish0726/all-things-are-possible/ Hugs & Love Tish

wwfbison said...

Lots of happy dancing going on right now for you...can't you hear the clumsy feet???  Take care and keep your eye on the prize.......the day you beat the heck out of this thing!

raeinflorida said...

Hi Kimberleigh ~ I stumbled across your blog looking up the song " I shaved my legs for this".   Your words really spoke to me.

"I always say that to have lived, learned and experienced everything I have gone through so far, to keep it under lock and key would only show how shallow of a humanitarian I would be if I kept all this to myself to wallow in self pity instead of putting it ALL out there to help the next person whose path is meant to cross mine and mine is meant to cross theirs to make their burden a lil less heavy and to take load off of mine from time to time"

Thank you for sharing yourself in this way.    I just said a prayer for you.  Don't know where you are or who you are but your blog is absolutely  beautiful and powerful.   Kick some ass girl!!!!   ~ Rachel Rivenbark -Florida

cste609371 said...

Sending a Prayer & a Hug!

cste609371 said...

Go ahead and scream...  you are an inspiration to anyone . Don't hold it in- go to a hill top and just let it out... best wishes fiend, we all care for you and send hugs... Cheryl from new England

princesssaurora said...

I think your words were just right, drug induced or otherwise and make perfect sense... they inspire me.  Thank you, thank you, thank you.

be well,
Dawn
http://journals.aol.com/princesssaurora/CarpeDiem/

sdoscher458 said...

Kim I do believe you are an inspiration for others to also fight the evil C.   I know that you are my beautiful Irish Warrior princess...always...Sandi