Life goes on...

Life goes on.......

My Middle Daughter Amanda's birthday was sooo much fun, I needed fun, I needed to be reminded life goes on....thank you all so much for your support and concerns....what ever the test results are..I will deal with it, just like I did with the breast cancer.

It's so weird to be out partying with your children! When Jim and I first got together Amanda was only 9 weeks old and Melissa was only 3.....now here they are all grown up at 21 and 24! I miss their baby faces but I enjoy the friendship we get to have now that they no longer need to be parented...my work there is done...Thank God! lol .....Now if I can just get through the teen years of their younger Brother and Sister! lol lol lol

 

Back row....Me, my sister Kelly and my sister-in-law Laurie
Front row...Amanda and Melissa

Even though the weather and the roads turned horrible, we still had about 30 people make it out that night....Ahhhhh Good Times! lol lol lol

So it starts......(again)

A year ago this month I was at my General Practitioner office having my yearly check up....I was a good girl, I had my pap test, my breasts examined and had the typical blood work drawn....I was also handed a referral for a mammogram...I had started my base line of mammogram's at the correct age of 40....no need to worry, no breast cancer history in the family....I had my follow up mammogram's at 41 and 42...I skipped my age 43 mammogram and ended up with breast cancer 4 months later...no need to cry over spilled milk right? So I don't.

So this February, I schedule my womanly check up but this time I went to the woman center to have my testing done, I wanted to have it done by a doctor who specializes in women's health care...I want to be thorough this time around....I want nothing left unturned...I owe that to myself. So around my birthday is the time that I have this done.... it's a good way to remember the time I had it done ....about a week ago Tuesday, I had my check up....everything looks great Kim...we will call you if there is a problem....I bounce out of the office with my new found exuberance for life......Yesterday, late afternoon....phone rings..

Nurse:Is this Kim?
Me:Yes it is.

Nurse: This is so and so from so and so's office, I'm calling you to give you your test results and your results came back abnormal so the doctor wants to do a Colposcopy.
Me: Abnormal? You know that I just finished chemo for my breast cancer right?

Nurse: Oh...No I didn't know that......ok, then we need to see you as soon as possible
Me: barely able to keep my composure, trying not to hyperventilate, feeling my eyes fill up with tears.....oh no! Please not again, not this soon! Could this be because of the chemo? I did have lesions everywhere. (internal)

Nurse: I don't think so....we can fit you in March 14th?
Me: Quick on the math, that's 3 weeks away.....3 weeks to over think, don't you have anything sooner?

Nurse: No, I'm sorry
Me: Ok, I guess I have to wait......thank you.....goodbye

So now after a mini melt down, a mini what if? I put a call into my cancer Doctor...my Oncologist...I relay everything that was said and I'm told instantly.......Kim don't freak out just yet, it is normal for a pap test to come back "abnormal"following chemo....have the test and have them send over a report when finished.....don't loose sleep over this Kim.....It's too soon to worry......I remember not worrying about the lump in my breast either....I was told it was probably nothing.

Today is my middle daughter's 21st birthday....it's a big deal, it's a big celebration....so I will keep this to myself a lil while longer....my kids have already gone through enough. Jim just holds me and let's me cry.

So here we go again........

Colposcopy - What is a colposcopy?

 

Tags: Women's health care, cancer,

Facets of me.......

From the one that lives inside my head and only speaks to me from time to time.....who emerges from of all that white noise.

 

The child that is still there to play
hide and seek with old memories.
The arrogance of the teenage girl
who thought she was invincible
but who could self destruct on a whim.
The young woman seeking to know herself
and know herself well, traveled back to the past
to find the pathway that led to the 
straight and narrow
but always stayed cautious, never
to be narrow minded.
This new Woman who is emerging,
bringing all of 'the others' forward
being careful not to forget
lessons learned along the  way.
Fast Forward
with thoughts of the old woman, 
who lays in my future,
How much time is left to know her?
To become her?
In the end...what mark
will she leave on this world?

Tags: poetry, aging, life

I'm Happy Dancing! Wanna dance with me?

I'm a happy girl! I have alot of new hair growing...OK, So it's less than an 8th of in inch (what's half of an 8th of an inch?) and not enough to break out the hair products, but you can actually see it! ;) I have almost a full eyebrow on my right eye now and half an eyebrow on my left eye (lol) strange thing is hair is growing everywhere...I'm gonna be a hair ball soon! They said not to worry that all the hair that is growing in places that it shouldn't will fall out soon and if not I guess I won't be in a quandary about what to be for next Halloween! lol

Another reason for the happy dancing is I am finally getting the canon eos rebel (camera) that I've always wanted! Shhhhh! I'm not supposed to know about it! So I will be out and about this spring rummaging through my neighbors gardens! For those that asked if the rose in the entry below was taken from my garden...I wish I could grow something besides moss on the north side of my trees! I could kill a cactus in a week! lol I have one plant at home that I'm not allowed to touch, it's the plant my Husband gave me while I was in the hospital following my mastectomy...it only lives because he takes care of it. I tend to over water, over feed and repot everything to soon. I'm ok with outside plants that are planted in pots, but I'm still leery about actually planting something in the ground but who knows with my new found exuberance I might just do that this spring!

I am going to spend a lot of time this year really enjoying the things that I love to do....this second chance at life won't be wasted a single moment! Who ever thought you could find a silver lining in cancer huh??

New chance, new hair, new boob, new body and a........ new attitude! lol lol lol

Tags: Photography, surviving cancer, life

Round Robin Challenge...RED

Round Robin Photo Challenge was brought to you by ........

Pamela, of the AOL journal, "My Photos," and she has chosen, "RED," as the focus of our next challenge. With Valentine's Day coming up in just one week, we should have no trouble finding a lot of RED subjects to photograph.

 

When I think of red.... the first image that pops into my mind is this American Beauty 

 

 

for a list of other photographers and their choices on this challenge please visit the blog at http://roundrobinphoto.blogspot.com/

GRRRRRR!

It seems I am back to my old feisty self....sometimes that's a good thing and sometimes that's a bad thing.!

After getting back from celebrating my Gramma Annies 89th birthday I came home to the outside of my home being vandalized...let me rewind. My Youngest Daughter seemed to have a falling out with her best friend because I nixed that friendship because of some really dumb decisions made while they were together. So on Friday night I come home to silly string all over my mail box and my middle daughters car....no harm done, but last night because I did nothing about the silly string they came back and not only egged my home but paint balled it too! Not a good idea......when you know my temper and this girl knows my temper.

So I had no problem calling her home, let's just say this child is not a priority in either one of her parents, so she is left to run wild..not my kid, not my problem, but when you bring it to my door....then it's my problem! The Father who seems to have some sense sends the lil deviates over to clean it all up....think 11:00 P.M. and bitter cold out....I told them I didn't care if they had to scrape it off with their teeth, they were going to clean it all up! One girl who doesn't have the pleasure of knowing my temper dared to mouth me....I have no problem getting back in her face! Told her I have no problem waiting until she's 18 to kick her ass...........oops my bad!

Since I did nothing about the silly string, they thought it was ok to come back and do more....so I showed them 'crazy' and still filed a police report...not to mention the older daughters who car was damaged, made a few threats of her own if this escalates into something physical with my younger daughter at school....after the police left my home at almost 12:00 A.M. he was on his way over to the other girls house to make a few threats of his own, I'm sure her parents were very excited about yet another late night interruption...This is a child who I opened up my heart and my home to because of the problems she was having with her typical teenage life and her other problems...she admitted she did it (the vandalism) to me if not her own parents.

 

I let you know how this all pans out.......it better be the last time or this Momma ain't going to be happy! lol lol lol

Weekend Assignment

As per the Blog father John at http://journals.aol.com/johnmscalzi/bytheway/

Weekend Assignment #152: Caption This Photo! Try to imagine what's going on between the two in this picture, and put your own spin on it. You can have one of them talking to the other, you can narrate the event -- whatever you'd like. Also, of course, feel free to take the picture from this site and do whatever you'd like with it: post it on your site (naturally), fiddle with it in Photoshop or other photo editor -- Use your imagination and have fun with it.

Back off butt sniffer! Or I will scratch your eyes out!

 

Ok, seriously 3 entries in one day....I so got to get outside....I think I'm going icefishing with the DH....enjoy your day!

Tags: aol weekend assignment

Moi? Guest Editors choice? Wooohooo!

Moi? (excuse my french, but Miss Piggy is my idol! lol) Guest Editor's Raven over at Rebuke the World has chose me?

Me? Without my hair? or eyebrows and eyelashes for that matter? Good thing I am so over being a bald chick huh? And what is this I hear about Britney Spears shaving her head bald? Is this some sort of cleansing ritual? If so I should of been informed don't ya think?? lol I knew this 'bald chick' thing would catch on sooner or later.....they say that the greatest form of flattery is imitation......well, Thank you Britney! Look Trish who knew we would be considered so "In" and "Hot" lmaoooo

If you get a chance stop over by Raven's blog she's got a lot to teach this world! She's a young, smart and talented words smith!

Tags: guest editors choice

My Funny Valentine....Sweet Valentine!

I want so much but need so little and that humbles me. I have been a bit melancholy the last few days...just when I think I have dealt with all there is to deal with ..... it washes over me again....at unexpected moments....a lump in my throat will present itself...a tear will fall slowly off my cheek....half the time it is for relief that this part of my life is over, half the time it is for fear that it will return... it will take sometime but I'll have to get used to that....I have so much to loose.

For a woman who has been truly, madly, deeply in love with the man she chose to marry all those years ago, a new love for him has emerged...he is the man I always thought as him to be and his love for me is there for all to see simply by looking into his eyes when he is looking at me...I love that look..it becomes the both of us. I feel closer to him now then ever before....love ebbs and tides through the years, it's what keeps it fresh for us....those content moments when all is well and calm and then how we rise up and meet adversity together as one....he for me and me for him...no words necessary.....just the wanting to be there for one another. I still can't find the right words, the perfect phrase to tell you how wonderful this man is to me....how perfect for me as a man can get.

There was a time when I was first diagnosed that I felt I needed to say the words "I'll understand if you walk away now" I knew it was going to be rough and I knew he would have a hard time watching me suffer through it and after his initial anger of me voicing those words to him, he reminded me of the vows he had spoken and that this is just another way of expressing them. It is easier to be with someone in good times and health, we really don't spend any time thinking about the "in sickness" and "in bad times" when we are standing at the alter. It's nice to know that I have chosen a man that meant every word he said.

Life is beautful and I am thankful!

Tags: valentine, love, life, devotion

Celebrations

When I was first diagnosed with breast cancer last summer, what upset me the most was that I knew of no one else my age that I could commiserate with, I lost a girlfriend to Breast Cancer back in 2005, I knew of no other survivors personally, or anyone else going through it at the same time as I. Once I started to blog about it I met other women in my age range that I could talk to and I no longer had that feeling that I was going through this alone. One of these Women is named Trish and next Monday is her last chemo day......very important to anyone going through chemo! So please if you get a chance go visit her blog Trish at my breast cancer story <~~~ link.... and help Celebrate this very important life marker!!

 

Way to go Trish!!!!!!

It's my Birthday! Ü

Today is my 44th birthday....I thought they stopped becoming important...I thought I was done celebrating them when I got passed the age of 41..the age my Father died. Well, after diagnosis last summer we weren't sure if I was going to have another birthday so I'm back to celebrating them again.

We associate our Birthdays with getting older, another year closer to old age, I have a new outlook on them....it's 365 days of life! Time I get to spend with my beloved Jim, our kids, our family and friends! What is not to love about that?? I am feeling particularly smug this morning anyway......everyone we met on Friday night got my age wrong by 6 years!! Oh happy day!!!! They thought I was turning 38!! Even though chemo did a number on my skin I am still wrinkle free at 44!! I don't smoke, I drink only occasionally and in moderation when I do and I haven't worshiped the sun since I was 25....I have been using sun block all over since that age and I moisturize every night (Ok, ALMOST every night! lol) So it's paying off!! So I'm not going to ignore my birthdays, I'm not going gripe about being another year older....I'm going to celebrate the passing of another 365 days of life! And I'm not the kind of girl who passes up the opportunity to have cake! Who doesn't like cake anyway! So Happy Birthday to me!!!! lol lol lol

I am having breakfast with my Mom, lunch with a few girlfriends and then dinner with Jim and the kids....Japanese food my favorite!!!

I am one very lucky woman to have another birthday....so bring it on! lol lol lol

Sisterhood, cocktails and some really good dance music! lol

Being that I spent the majority of the end to last years summer recovering from my mastectomy and reconstruction, then spent four months in bed dealing with the side effects of chemo and couldn't wait till I was back to just being me..Kim....no longer Kim the cancer patient...it took a lil longer than a month to get back up to speed, but I am finally there.....and I don't want to spend a single minute doing 'nothing' anymore.....so out I was again Friday night with the girls celebrating "February's birthdays" (Mine is tomorrow hee hee hee...can you say 44???) I danced all night (still paying for that even this morning, but I don't care it felt GOOD!) I looked good, I felt good and I since I am down to maybe 10 eyelashes I even wore false eyelashes! lol Think Liza Minnelli lashes!! I batted them shamelessly all night!lol lol lol Oh what a night!!! The guys were back at one the houses playing poker, so we all ended up back there for a night cap and I was home asleep by 1:00 a.m. a half an hour earlier than last girls night out! lol

Saturday was spent with breakfast out with my Jim, ran some errands, then over to my Sisters house for my Nephews Birthday cake with more friends and family, then off to another girlfriends house for some wine and some chit chat while the guys shot a few games of pool. We are an eclectic group of women with a good mix of ages from 35 to 56....we are together almost every weekend and we have the pleasure of watching each others family grow... we have gone through many things with one another from new houses to new babies and the loss of some children, to mine and another friends cancer diagnosis, kids growing up and moving out, rough patches in a few of the marriages and so on, but we could of never gotten through it without each other and I love that idea that our group is so big that where ever we go it's a party because of our size! lol

I have been blessed with so much in life and I am thankful that I knew they were blessings and took nothing for granted....life is good and I am one lucky woman!

So to celebrate our Ya Ya Sisterhood we will be spending one of the next girls night out at a tattoo parlour with matching tiny butterly tattoos celebrating our sisterhood and coming of age and feeling really beautiful about it.

Are the guys happy about this? Not all...but hey it's not like we are getting new, young boyfriends or something! lmaoooooo

Tags: sisterhood, coming of age, tattoos, friends

It runs in the genes! lol

My whole family is nuts, it's hereditary! lol

Gramma Annie was hospitalized last week, she was in pain with gall stones, her gall bladder was inflamed and needed to be removed, she had a UTI, her belly button was herniated and she had developed a heart murmur....she will be turning 89 this month.

So here is my extended family sitting in the surgery waiting room, hoping that Gramma Annie can make it through the surgery, cracking each other up and who ever else was listening...getting shushed a lot from the elderly woman volunteering at the desk..so after 3 hours in surgery, the surgeon comes into the waiting room to update us on her status...now because we are all secretly holding our breath, hoping that she made it through the surgery and we deal with everything with humor...we let the doctor speak in his serious tone....it gets to the part about her belly button being herniated and that they had to remove it along with her gall bladder leaving her with a small scar on her lower and upper belly and with two small punctures on her side.....without breaking a smile I ask the Doctor with my most serious face......."Doctor please....all we want to know is.......is she still going to be able to wear her bikini?" Now this sends the family over the edge and for a moment the Doctor is silent then adds his own humor by telling us that they (the Doctors) were just discussing that when they were sewing her up! So at soon to be 89 she gets a tummy tuck too!!! Copy Cat!!! lmaoooo Too Funny.....God I love being a Brennan! lol lol lol

Hair glorious Hair!

Being that I am a woman who has been without hair for almost 4 months now, I think when it finally comes back in fully, no one will ever hear the words,"I'm having a bad hair day" come out of my mouth again. I never thought of hair being more than ornamental before I lost it....now being that I live in Chicago which is notorious for wind and wind chill factors, I've come to realize that hair is also a great insulator....can you say BRRRR!

This past Saturday was so cold and so windy that I had visions of chasing my wig through the parking lot while out shopping with my Sister...even with my hood on the wind almost blew my wig off into the great blue yonder....I pictured myself doing that 'stomp dance' you know the one I'm talking about..when you try to stomp your foot onto something that is getting away from you and you think you got it but you keep stomping and running and stomping and running....and pretty soon you just give up! lol lol lol Could you imagine chasing your hair???? lol fugetaboutit!!!!

I'll just be glad when winter is over and I have more than fuzz on my head... I have learned to appreciate so much more out of life than I ever did before being diagnosed.

Life is good and I am thankful!