It's been 3 weeks since my final chemo.....I have been going through lots of changes since then. I think because my entire focus was on getting through the surgery and the healing time, then on to the Chemo treatments, I didn't deal with the emotional side of cancer.....I didn't have the time or the energy to put much into that thought...I had a battle to win. Well, now that the battle is over and I was willing and able to drop the 'wall' I built up to protect me emotionally, I am now going though the emotional baggage that cancer can bring into a persons life.
I thought I was angry before when I was initially diagnosed....I went back and forth between anger and being totally numb in the beginning and now I am just really pissed off that I even had to go through this. Not that I thought I should be exempt from getting a serious illness or anything but from talking to other cancer survivors, I now know this is normal......to be pissed off. I am mad at the cancer itself, it took so much of me and I will have physical reminders of that the rest of my life, it took up a good amount of my 'time' this past year and I'm kind of pissed off about that, it took away from our oldest daughters wedding which was this past July where I bumped into that armoire in Jamaica and the first tumor let itself be known to me...I already new about the breast tenderness before our trip and even discussed it with my Primary Care Physician....I was told no problem, most likely peri-menopause.......HAH! I didn't listen to my intuition and it almost cost me my life....cancer only hit the first sentinel node outside of my left breast....I was very lucky I smacked into that armoire in Jamaica...I don't think I would of gone back to the Doctor if I hadn't......now there's a thought that sends a chill down my spine.
But at least being 3 weeks post chemo I am finally getting some of my strength back, I would say I am almost at 50/50 as far as that goes and I am starting to get more 'stubble' on my head that I know won't fall out like all the other stubble before it...it's coming back snow white so far....not sure if I am going to return to my toe head blonde that I was born with (which later became more golden) or if I am going to be a 43 year old woman with all white/gray hair....not sure what I am going to end up with.......please let it be thicker than what I had and I won't complain if it comes back curly or at least a few waves to it! lol
After much thought I have decided that I will have the lift with a slight reduction on my right boob (aka the good/old boob) because the new boob (aka bad/old/tried to kill me boob) ended up being not as full as my right boob and after all I went through and only being 43, I want a little symmetry between the two. So far the Plastic Surgeon Dr. Hollywood, is booked until end of March, so I will have it done sometime after that then I will give my body some much needed rest and wait until mid Fall to have the new, reconstructed boob finished with the nipple and areola finished then.....it's a 2 part series, first the nipple reconstruction then heal time, then the tattooing will follow of the areola and nipple for coloring purposes.
I get better and stronger everyday and I am now dealing with the emotional side of it and I am finding my peace along the way....I have to keep reminding myself......baby steps Kim, baby steps.