Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Nip, Tuck and other thoughts

It's been 3 weeks since my final chemo.....I have been going through lots of changes since then. I think because my entire focus was on getting through the surgery and the healing time, then on to the Chemo treatments, I didn't deal with the emotional side of cancer.....I didn't have the time or the energy to put much into that thought...I had a battle to win. Well, now that the battle is over and I was willing and able to drop the 'wall' I built up to protect me emotionally, I am now going though the emotional baggage that cancer can bring into a persons life.

I thought I was angry before when I was initially diagnosed....I went back and forth between anger and being totally numb in the beginning and now I am just really pissed off that I even had to go through this. Not that I thought I should be exempt from getting a serious illness or anything but from talking to other cancer survivors, I now know this is normal......to be pissed off. I am mad at the cancer itself, it took so much of me and I will have physical reminders of that the rest of my life, it took up a good amount of my 'time' this past year and I'm kind of pissed off about that, it took away from our oldest daughters wedding which was this past July where I bumped into that armoire in Jamaica and the first tumor let itself be known to me...I already new about the breast tenderness before our trip and even discussed it with my Primary Care Physician....I was told no problem, most likely peri-menopause.......HAH! I didn't listen to my intuition and it almost cost me my life....cancer only hit the first sentinel node outside of my left breast....I was very lucky I smacked into that armoire in Jamaica...I don't think I would of gone back to the Doctor if I hadn't......now there's a thought that sends a chill down my spine.

But at least being 3 weeks post chemo I am finally getting some of my strength back, I would say I am almost at 50/50 as far as that goes and I am starting to get more 'stubble' on my head that I know won't fall out like all the other stubble before it...it's coming back snow white so far....not sure if I am going to return to my toe head blonde that I was born with (which later became more golden) or if I am going to be a 43 year old woman with all white/gray hair....not sure what I am going to end up with.......please let it be thicker than what I had and I won't complain if it comes back curly or at least a few waves to it! lol

After much thought I have decided that I will have the lift with a slight reduction on my right boob (aka the good/old boob) because the new boob (aka bad/old/tried to kill me boob) ended up being not as full as my right boob and after all I went through and only being 43, I want a little symmetry between the two. So far the Plastic Surgeon Dr. Hollywood, is booked until end of March, so I will have it done sometime after that then I will give my body some much needed rest and wait until mid Fall to have the new, reconstructed boob finished with the nipple and areola finished then.....it's a 2 part series, first the nipple reconstruction then heal time, then the tattooing will follow of the areola and nipple for coloring purposes.

I get better and stronger everyday and I am now dealing with the emotional side of it and I am finding my peace along the way....I have to keep reminding myself......baby steps Kim, baby steps.

17 comments:

bethjunebug said...

Good for you!! Glad you are feeling better.
God Bless,
Liz in Va.
http://journals.aol.com/bethjunebug/Bethjunebug

barbpinion said...

There is so much damange to one who gets cancer. I saw it in my sister, and in my husband. The emotional took its toll. I'm so happy to know you're doing okay, and that you're on the way back to feeling like your YOUNG self again. You did miss out on a lot, but at least you are still here, hon. There are some awesome memories to be created yet, I'm sure.
Barb- http://journals.aol.com/barbpinion/HEYLETSTALK
        http://journals.aol.com/barbpinion/america

mikev009 said...

One day at a time the healing will continue. Be good to yourself along the way.  ~ Mike

ekgillen said...

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chat2missie said...

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candlejmr said...

Baby steps, one day at time, put on foot in front of the other....whatever mantra you like...just keep it up.  You are still healing, physically, emotionally, spiritually.  Healing takes time.  

Baby steps my friend.

((hugs)) and love,
Jeanne

sangrialel said...

You just keep taking those baby steps!!!  Linda

pharmolo said...

You're on the right road there, Kim, and indeed: one step at a time.

wipforever said...

Long time no comment!  I'm sure whatever chemo did to the brain, your brain is also adjusting to the healing process.  Perhaps this is part of the emotions you are feeling.  Just remind yourself that you are on the downhill part of the process.  Chemo is over!!!!  WoooHooo!!!  That alone should be worth celebrating and being happy about.

And yes, thank God you did run into that armoire in Jamaica!  

Take care my friend and continue to get well!

Love and hugs,
Sheila

gandsbrock said...

You smacking into that armoire was definitely not an accident.  And thank goodness you did!

Hey I'm rooting for your hair to grow back thick and lush and blonde and curly.  You earned it!
baby steps...
Take care, Stephanie

tendernoggle said...

Just keep hanging in there Kim...You have fought long and hard..It is only natural for you to be worn out and emotional!
love ya,
carlene

ajquinn354 said...

Kim you've been through a lot and have the right to have your ups and downs dealing with the emotional side....but you are one strong lady and will get through it all just fine.  I'm just grateful that you smacked into the armoire so that you could get treatment for this disease.  Not everyone is as lucky as you were Kim. You'll do fine dear, just take it one day at a time and look for something to make you laugh or smile each day. Enjoy life.....bless you....Arlene (AJ)

plittle said...

Hello Kim,
  I'm glad to hear that your battle has gone well, and has been decided in your favour. Keep on moving forward. Those baby steps will be strong, confident strides in no time. Hey, throw a little wiggle in now and then, OK?
-Paul
http://journals.aol.ca/plittle/AuroraWalkingVacation/

bmorrrick said...

Oh Kim,

You've been so brave through all of this.....I know there is no way I could have done as well as you have if it had been me.  I'm so glad you're finished with the chemo, and wish all of it was overwith for you.  You're so strong, just try to rest and relax and give yourself time to heal and get past all of this.  Keeping you in my prayers, as always.

Take Care,
~Bilinda~

evanmyangel88 said...

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am4039 said...

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thinkingoutloud said...

Kim you really have been through more this past year than anyone should have to endure in a lifetime.
You did well.  Excellant in fact.  You sense of humor helped enormously.
Now that the worst is over all your feelings that are running through your mind are more than normal.  They are delayed thoughts that have just been waiting to take their turn.
There is no doubt in my mind how strong a woman you are and in no time you will be giving these 'thoughts' the finger.

Love ya-
Niki