It's been almost 6 months since cancer came uninvited into my life......a lot has happened and I have learned a lot about myself since then.
In the beginning I remember sitting quietly back and watching people that I love interact amongst themselves and I would wonder, "Am I going to still be around this time next year?" it was also the moment I really, truly realized that "life" goes on whether you're there to witness it or not.
I had to look into my children's faces and come to terms that I might never get to meet any of their children, just like my own Father missed out on meeting any of his grandchildren....those moments would bring me to tears.
I had to look into my Husbands eyes and see his fears too.... he could never bring himself to even say the words death or die.......on my bad days he would just look into my eyes and say, " Don't you go anywhere!" with tears about to brim over....God that man loves me and I am so very blessed to have him in my life...we have a great love!
Not once did my mind ever say "WHY ME?" I don't really understand that as a cancer slogan...to me it almost hints at why me and not someone else? That is a terrible thought..I wouldn't want it to have been someone else. What I did say a lot was, "Ok, what do we do now?" and with some of the side effects during chemo I would wonder, "ok, what is going to happen to me this time?" Even my Oncologist would shake his head at every visit with the weird side effects that I experienced.....lost vision, un explained huge blisters that covered the bottom of my feet so I couldn't walk....not getting sick to my stomach on the part of chemo that I was supposed to and then getting sick to my stomach on the part of chemo that I'm not supposed to. He even asked me at one point don't I ever follow the rules and of course I couldn't lie to him so I had to tell him no and for proof my Mother was out in the waiting room, she could definitely confirm that one! lol
So now here I sit, wondering about my future....it definitely has changed, I always thought I had my future pretty well planned out....where I was going to be, where Jim and I were going to visit, being around for my grandchildren.....I am feeling pretty much the same way now as I felt on September 11, 2001....everything's changed....my security about "being here" disappeared.....I don't know what the future holds now....the life that I planned might notbe and I was having a rough time accepting that until I came across a quote in another J-Landers Journal......Carlene from HORSESHOE BEND She knows a lot about change... she lost her soul mate Danny, her beloved husband last year so she knows about how plans change......I found peace in a quote she had posted..........
"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us."
So that is what I am doing..... I am going to live the life that is waiting for me and let go to what I had planned. So I will have a few more Doctor visits in this new life that I have....and cancer might come back....but at least I had yesterday and I have today and I know of a few tomorrows still to come......but it's LIFE and that's a beautiful thing.