It's been almost 6 months since cancer came uninvited into my life......a lot has happened and I have learned a lot about myself since then.
In the beginning I remember sitting quietly back and watching people that I love interact amongst themselves and I would wonder, "Am I going to still be around this time next year?" it was also the moment I really, truly realized that "life" goes on whether you're there to witness it or not.
I had to look into my children's faces and come to terms that I might never get to meet any of their children, just like my own Father missed out on meeting any of his grandchildren....those moments would bring me to tears.
I had to look into my Husbands eyes and see his fears too.... he could never bring himself to even say the words death or die.......on my bad days he would just look into my eyes and say, " Don't you go anywhere!" with tears about to brim over....God that man loves me and I am so very blessed to have him in my life...we have a great love!
Not once did my mind ever say "WHY ME?" I don't really understand that as a cancer slogan...to me it almost hints at why me and not someone else? That is a terrible thought..I wouldn't want it to have been someone else. What I did say a lot was, "Ok, what do we do now?" and with some of the side effects during chemo I would wonder, "ok, what is going to happen to me this time?" Even my Oncologist would shake his head at every visit with the weird side effects that I experienced.....lost vision, un explained huge blisters that covered the bottom of my feet so I couldn't walk....not getting sick to my stomach on the part of chemo that I was supposed to and then getting sick to my stomach on the part of chemo that I'm not supposed to. He even asked me at one point don't I ever follow the rules and of course I couldn't lie to him so I had to tell him no and for proof my Mother was out in the waiting room, she could definitely confirm that one! lol
So now here I sit, wondering about my future....it definitely has changed, I always thought I had my future pretty well planned out....where I was going to be, where Jim and I were going to visit, being around for my grandchildren.....I am feeling pretty much the same way now as I felt on September 11, 2001....everything's changed....my security about "being here" disappeared.....I don't know what the future holds now....the life that I planned might notbe and I was having a rough time accepting that until I came across a quote in another J-Landers Journal......Carlene from HORSESHOE BEND She knows a lot about change... she lost her soul mate Danny, her beloved husband last year so she knows about how plans change......I found peace in a quote she had posted..........
"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us."
--Joseph Campbell
So that is what I am doing..... I am going to live the life that is waiting for me and let go to what I had planned. So I will have a few more Doctor visits in this new life that I have....and cancer might come back....but at least I had yesterday and I have today and I know of a few tomorrows still to come......but it's LIFE and that's a beautiful thing.
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24 comments:
I stumbled onto the journal of a fellow with pancreatic cancer, which is really a death sentence (that's what my father-in-law died from). He started the blog when he was diagnosed, to give him a place to vent during the three-to-six months he has left. After reading his journal, I'm glad I can come here for some balance. You have great hope, and the knowledge that you've most likely beat the "big C".
Oh Kim.
Your strength inspires me.
Your faith brings me to tears.
Thank you for allowing me on this journey with you.
Hugs,
Heather
http://singingwithmyheart.blogspot.com/
Kim, this is an absolutely beautiful entry. Well said!
Pam
Blessings to you!!! Glad to read that you have a STRONG ATTITUDE. A beautiful person you are!!!
Sue
I saw that quote of Carlene's too and just sat there, looking at it for a while. I almost cried reading the part about Jim not being able to say "the word." God love him and you Kim. Stay strong and never give up.
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Kim, good for you dear, you've been through a lot as has so many of us and realize what is important, making the most of every day the good Lord gives us. None of us know what tomorrow brings, so enjoy each day to the fullest, enjoy life, laugh and share special times with loved ones, which you are doing dear. So proud of you Kim.....Arlene (AJ)
Great quote! Linda
I know you and I am willing to bet that the life you HAVE, now, after cancer, is going to be even BETTER than the one you imagined! Why? Because everything happens for a reason!!
I haven't been commenting much and I apologize. Too much stuff happening here. BUT...things are (relatively) back to normal now so I'll be around more often.
Keep checking your mail! (lol)
((hugs))
Jeanne
Kim,
Keep that smile on your face. Live is a beautiful thing.
David
As the old Romans used to say: Carpe Diem. Live by the day.
I am so thankful that you saw that quote and liked it Kim...It struck a place in my heart and soul also....
You and Gretchen ( lady who lost her little boy) are some very powerful ladies...both showing great strength of character in times of peril....and I love and admire yall very much....
love ya,
carlene
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I am praying the cancer stays away permanently. I know all your thinking, I went through it also. I am in remission now for 13 months.
Cindy
It probably sounds very corny for me to say this, but you're one of the faces of bravery that have come into my life. You're destined to live a long life, I just know it, because you have a wisdom that needs to be shared for years to come. You really said a lot with this entry.
Jimmy
Beautiful words shared from a beautiful heart... Thank you, Kim, for sharing so much understanding and wisdom with the world. You are truly an inspiration, to so many. To me. God bless you in all you do. You deserve the brightest of futures.
Hugs,
Michelle
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None of us are promised tomorrow. But the majority of us take for granted that we will be here.
You have learned a lot about yourself these past few months. and you have kept a great mindset.
Kathy
I read Horseshoe Bend too. Mainly because my husband was named Dan and I lost him13 years ago. I read your journal because I have friens and a sister with cancer and I think it helps to read your thoughts.
That sweet Carlene is something, isn't she? She's another very special lady, just as you are! Hope you have a great day today.
Take Care,
~Bilinda~
Funny...I had found myself thinking of the things I had longed for in the past today...things I didn't quite do...and you are right this quote is a good one for many of us to read...Keeping you in my prayers!!!! Keep them boxing gloves on...Hugs,TerryAnn
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I'm glad you're doing so well right now. Thank you for your thought provoking posts and your honesty about what you've gone through.
Lori
http://journals.aol.com/helmswondermom/DustyPages
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