Monday, January 22, 2007

another 'bitch" session....hey I'm allowed! LOL

OK, now that I know angry is "normal" following every other emotion cancer can bring into ones life....I do feel better. I also know exactly why I am so pissed....it has forever changed me....but living all these years is supposed to bring change and I know there were perks to getting this cancer.....new perkier, not trying to kill me anymore boobs, a full tummy tuck to reconstruct new said boob and I have managed to drop the 30 pounds of "baby" weight I have been carrying around for the last 14 years! lol lol lol 15 pounds before diagnosis with working out 3 times a week and then 15 pounds with the side effects of chemo and the general freak out since diagnosis.

The bad changes are not only that I am a total emotional wreck at this moment with half of it due to the big question "is my cancer going to come back?" but also I have been thrown into menopause during the chemo process....whole 'nother can of worms.....each one on there own are pretty intense to deal with but throw those two together and no wonder I'm a total wreck.....and on the physical changes...I am scarred from hip to hip (mind you my only other time I had stitches during my whole life was for childbirth reasons) and I am scarred in a football shaped pattern on my new breast, I will have some new scarring with the lift of the 'other' breast and more scarring for the nipple construction...I have no feeling in my fingertips and toes (
Peripheral neuropathy - MayoClinic.com ) kind of hard to keep your balance without being able to feel the bottoms of your feet, just lacing my own shoes now is difficult and frustrating.....trying to type is some kind of fun now too! lol ....will the 'feeling' come back.....it's another crap shoot....another wait and see. Not to mention that part of my tongue and the roof of my mouth is numb....perk about that is all food tastes blah to me now!! lol lol lol

Since meeting with Dr. Hollywood (Plastic Surgeon) I will be having the lift on the old girl in the next few weeks, he wants me to wait 6 to 8 weeks since my last chemo treatment (Jan 2). I'm OK with that.... plus my porta-cath will be taken out during that surgery and I am thrilled to see that removed from my chest wall! Then he wanted me to wait a few weeks before another surgery to make the nipple on my new boob, then waitto heal from that before tattooing the areola and nipple the color of my other set...I have decided I will do the lift now and the nipple/areola reconstruction next fall....I was robbed of last summer I want to really enjoy this one coming up.

So even though cancer has come and gone from my life and I am still dealing with all the residual effects and the permanent scarring to remind me....the alternative was death, I know that....but I have to allow myself time to grieve for what cancer has cost me and anger is part of the grieving process...I have heard that from other cancer survivors since my last entry and I am very thankful that you shared your insight with me and I can share that with others who will unfortunately follow in my footsteps until there is a cure....not only for breast cancer, but all cancer.

Now if I can just get through menopause without hurting anyone..............lol lol lol!

17 comments:

lanurseprn said...

That's the thing about it....you're always on guard now to watch for it.  Life will not be the same but it'll be good.
Pam

lazarai said...

Oh, geez, now I really feel for ya Kim!! I started going through menopause last year at age 48 and it is in full throttle for me now. I finally had to go get help because I was being visited by ALL of the nasty menopause dwarves and I couldn't deal with that AND two hormonal teenaged daughters at the same time (pity my poor husband trying to deal with all three of us! LOL).

Anyway, I'm happy to report that almost all of my symptoms are better now that I'm taking bio-identical hormone therapy. Of course there are risks involved with any estrogen replacement therapy....and unfortunately, I'm sure that your doctors would advise against it for you with your breast cancer problems. OY, Kimberleigh, you have my sympathy!!! I will hope for a very quick menopause for you!!

Hang in there,
Hugs,
:) Carol

chat2missie said...

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gandsbrock said...

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emabecmar said...

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thegirlnexdoor77 said...

I hear ya on the menopause...it is starting with me...I don't blame you for bein angry...you have gone through so much and kept your chin up....Here's to you having an awesome summer! Hugs,TerryAnn

imshadowraven2 said...

welcome to my hell g/f but i dont know i could handle all u r dealing with plus all the meno fun...........love ya bunches and im glad to see kim back..........Robin

candlejmr said...

I say "go for it!"  You have been through hell and back and now you have to hrow menopause in there too?  God damn girl, you deserve to be pissed!  I'm surpised you're not throwing things!!  (are you???? lol)  Take as much time as you need...we'll still be here, no matter what!!!

I think its a GREAT idea to plan on enjoying this summer.  You deserve it!  And what a great thing to look forward to!!!!

((hugs)) and love,
Jeanne

onestrangecat said...

not only have you came out on the "other side" of this as a stronger person, but also with a great man by your side.  I have read your journal and marveled at how your hubby has hung in there with you.  now if you can make it through menopause without killing him.  LOL

Kathy

thisismis72 said...

I hope it all gets better and easier for you soon , you have already been thru so much,
Missy

tendernoggle said...

MENOPAUSE.......IS HELL! LOL I WAS THROWN INTO IT AT 39 BECAUSE OF A TOTAL HYSTERECTOMY, INCLUDING BOTH OVARIES AND CEVRIX...HOT FLASHES, NERVES, YOU NAME IT...I FINALLY GOT ON ZOLOFT FOR MY NERVES FOR A SHORT WHILE AND THAT HELPED ...I AM OFF IT NOW...AND THE MENOPAUSE HAS BOTTOMED OUT...I HOPE! LOL
YOU TAKE CARE AND IT MAY DO YOU GOOD TO GO TO A SPA OR SUCH TO RELAX! LOL
LOVE YA,
CARLENE

sangrialel said...

I love that you still have your humor!  Linda

ukgal36 said...

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midwestvintage said...

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jerseygirlphotos said...

thinking of you... :)

ekgillen said...

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pprrrr39 said...

I think after all you have been to that you are entitled a moan  :o)

But

I have to admit ....through all the problems that you are having you still manage to keep up your spirit and humour

Hugs

Jayne