OK, now that I know angry is "normal" following every other emotion cancer can bring into ones life....I do feel better. I also know exactly why I am so pissed....it has forever changed me....but living all these years is supposed to bring change and I know there were perks to getting this cancer.....new perkier, not trying to kill me anymore boobs, a full tummy tuck to reconstruct new said boob and I have managed to drop the 30 pounds of "baby" weight I have been carrying around for the last 14 years! lol lol lol 15 pounds before diagnosis with working out 3 times a week and then 15 pounds with the side effects of chemo and the general freak out since diagnosis.
The bad changes are not only that I am a total emotional wreck at this moment with half of it due to the big question "is my cancer going to come back?" but also I have been thrown into menopause during the chemo process....whole 'nother can of worms.....each one on there own are pretty intense to deal with but throw those two together and no wonder I'm a total wreck.....and on the physical changes...I am scarred from hip to hip (mind you my only other time I had stitches during my whole life was for childbirth reasons) and I am scarred in a football shaped pattern on my new breast, I will have some new scarring with the lift of the 'other' breast and more scarring for the nipple construction...I have no feeling in my fingertips and toes ( Peripheral neuropathy - MayoClinic.com ) kind of hard to keep your balance without being able to feel the bottoms of your feet, just lacing my own shoes now is difficult and frustrating.....trying to type is some kind of fun now too! lol ....will the 'feeling' come back.....it's another crap shoot....another wait and see. Not to mention that part of my tongue and the roof of my mouth is numb....perk about that is all food tastes blah to me now!! lol lol lol
Since meeting with Dr. Hollywood (Plastic Surgeon) I will be having the lift on the old girl in the next few weeks, he wants me to wait 6 to 8 weeks since my last chemo treatment (Jan 2). I'm OK with that.... plus my porta-cath will be taken out during that surgery and I am thrilled to see that removed from my chest wall! Then he wanted me to wait a few weeks before another surgery to make the nipple on my new boob, then waitto heal from that before tattooing the areola and nipple the color of my other set...I have decided I will do the lift now and the nipple/areola reconstruction next fall....I was robbed of last summer I want to really enjoy this one coming up.
So even though cancer has come and gone from my life and I am still dealing with all the residual effects and the permanent scarring to remind me....the alternative was death, I know that....but I have to allow myself time to grieve for what cancer has cost me and anger is part of the grieving process...I have heard that from other cancer survivors since my last entry and I am very thankful that you shared your insight with me and I can share that with others who will unfortunately follow in my footsteps until there is a cure....not only for breast cancer, but all cancer.
Now if I can just get through menopause without hurting anyone..............lol lol lol!