Ok, When I was first diagnosed with breast cancer I was pissed....I was beyond pissed....I thought all I had to do was get passed the 41st year of my life (The age I dreaded since loosing my own Father from complications due to alcoholism) so for what seems like that entire year of my life (41st) I held my breath, lived life cautiously, which is something that I never do.....so when my 42nd birthday rolled around I thought "Whewwww I made it! I am here for the long haul!" You see in my family (on both sides) you either die terribly young or you live to be a ripe old age of naughty! lol
My 42nd year came and went without incident (well not too many! lol) and then last February I turned 43.....it was a big year for me..... our oldest daughter was getting married, she and her soon to be husband bought their very first house, our middle daughter was finally emerging from what I like to call the "dark side" (15-19) and started making decisions I always knew she was capable of making and life was better than ever....then July came and with July my worst fears came true....I had a disease that not only makes you very ill, it can kill you..I had breast cancer.... I remember having the flu the winter before and thinking to myself and praying.."God, I don't think I would be a very good sick person, I whine a lot and I hate that feeling of not feeling good" I had taken for granted..my good health.
Flu like symptoms......we are all very familiar with the way that feels....chemo is 100 times worse and I had 16 weeks of feeling crappy.... Uh oh.....I'm starting to sound bitter....I think I am pissed all over again....and I am pissed that I feel pissed....I should be very grateful for what my surgeons and my oncologist have done for me...I was not given a "It's too late" prognosis and I am finished with the worst part...the chemo but I can't seem to celebrate that fact yet, I am still to angry that I had cancer in the first place.....is this normal? I don't know I am a first time and hopefully last time cancer patient...I have nothing to compare this too....and I am not angry at God, or healthy people who are still running around taking life for grant it...I don't know why I am so pissed...sickness and death are part of the 'living" process but I seem to feel like I should of been pardoned........I wonder why that is? Maybe beating this cancer is my pardon and I will get passed this "PISSY" feeling soon and get on withwhat I am supposed to be doing....living! Right now I haven't been ready to do that......I have been hiding in my room since my last chemo treatment (almost 3 weeks ago)........shame on me!
When I write I tend to figure things out that my mind can't do without my fingers and my keyboard....so I do feel better since I started figuring this all out and writing this all down....I need to stop feeling as if I have been wronged....that is not something I am used to feeling and I need to get back to feeling blessed for every damn thing in my life.....I would really love to hear from other cancer survivors to see if they too went through similar feelings.... I also am an admitted control freak and would really love to know what else might be coming that could de-rail me later.