Saturday, January 20, 2007

1-20-07 Where my head is at today (but not for long! Ü)

Ok, When I was first diagnosed with breast cancer I was pissed....I was beyond pissed....I thought all I had to do was get passed the 41st year of my life (The age I dreaded since loosing my own Father from complications due to alcoholism) so for what seems like that entire year of my life (41st) I held my breath, lived life cautiously, which is something that I never do.....so when my 42nd birthday rolled around I thought "Whewwww I made it! I am here for the long haul!" You see in my family (on both sides) you either die terribly young or you live to be a ripe old age of naughty! lol

My 42nd year came and went without incident (well not too many! lol) and then last February I turned 43.....it was a big year for me..... our oldest daughter was getting married, she and her soon to be husband bought their very first house, our middle daughter was finally emerging from what I like to call the "dark side" (15-19) and started making decisions I always knew she was capable of making and life was better than ever....then July came and with July my worst fears came true....I had a disease that not only makes you very ill, it can kill you..I had breast cancer.... I remember having the flu the winter before and thinking to myself and praying.."God, I don't think I would be a very good sick person, I whine a lot and I hate that feeling of not feeling good" I had taken for granted..my good health.

Flu like symptoms......we are all very familiar with the way that feels....chemo is 100 times worse and I had 16 weeks of feeling crappy.... Uh oh.....I'm starting to sound bitter....I think I am pissed all over again....and I am pissed that I feel pissed....I should be very grateful for what my surgeons and my oncologist have done for me...I was not given a "It's too late" prognosis and I am finished with the worst part...the chemo but I can't seem to celebrate that fact yet, I am still to angry that I had cancer in the first place.....is this normal? I don't know I am a first time and hopefully last time cancer patient...I have nothing to compare this too....and I am not angry at God, or healthy people who are still running around taking life for grant it...I don't know why I am so pissed...sickness and death are part of the 'living" process but I seem to feel like I should of been pardoned........I wonder why that is? Maybe beating this cancer is my pardon and I will get passed this "PISSY" feeling soon and get on withwhat I am supposed to be doing....living! Right now I haven't been ready to do that......I have been hiding in my room since my last chemo treatment (almost 3 weeks ago)........shame on me!

When I write I tend to figure things out that my mind can't do without my fingers and my keyboard....so I do feel better since I started figuring this all out and writing this all down....I need to stop feeling as if I have been wronged....that is not something I am used to feeling and I need to get back to feeling blessed for every damn thing in my life.....I would really love to hear from other cancer survivors to see if they too went through similar feelings.... I also am an admitted control freak and would really love to know what else might be coming that could de-rail me later.

20 comments:

pharmolo said...

No, you can't stay there for now Kim. And to quote my old grandma, rest her soul: The Concert of Life comes without a Program. Nobody knows what's in store, and just as well. Lift that chin lol

mosie1944 said...

Of course it's OK to be angry; and venting in your journal is probably a good way to get rid of some of your frustrations.  I admire honesty in anybody.  Thanks for being real with us.

gandsbrock said...

I think you are pissy because the red in your strawberry blond hair is growing back.  LOL!  Just kidding!  I'm not one to give advice, but I do think you need fresh air and sunshine.  You are more than welcome to come stay a little while with me in Hawaii!
Take care.  Stephanie

lindaggeorge said...

And there at the end of this entry is the reason why you are pissed. You are an admitted control freak but your diagnosis put you totally under the control of your illness and the treatment you received. It shook your confidence and you have had to play according to the rules of chemo etc.

Very soon you will be free of the effects of your treatment and then life will start to return to normal.

Linda x.

astaryth said...

I think I would be pissy too.... So, go ahead, be mad... then you can get over it and start living again. It's probably like the stages of grief, and you have to come to terms with the whole thing in your own way. There is no wrong way, there is no right way, there just is <g>
http://journals.aol.com/astaryth/AdventuresofanEclecticMind/
http://adventuresofaneclecticmind.blogspot.com/

lanurseprn said...

I think it's very normal to be pissed. I would be, too!!  But, don't even ASK what can happen next to derail you. Don't tempt the Gods 'cause they'll always show you!  
Pam

candlejmr said...

Maybe you have been so worried and so sick that you really, truly haven't had the time to REALLY be mad???  Maybe you are pissed because you missed a good part of the last year?  Maybe you are mad because of all the pain and discomfort and fear you had to go thru?  HELL....I think I would be damn mad too!!!!  BUT....(and I think you already know this...) enough is enough.  If you have been hiding in your room for three weeks (is THAT why I haven't heard from you??) then...TIME IS UP!  The pity party has to end now because you have alot of life to keep living and there is no more time for hissy fits.  Got it???

Now, go kiss your husband and find your kids and kiss them too (even if it's only thru the phone) and tell them all how much you love them and how happy you are that you can live life with them once again!!!

((hugs)) and love to you my friend!
Jeanne

imshadowraven2 said...

I believe u answered ur own question mf . And there isnt a certain way to  feel its different for all. I have looked and couldnt find a Miss Manners rule on how one dealing with cancer should feel sp till they come out with this book ( which some ppl with control issues would tell it to kiss her ass) u do it ur way mf...........love ya sweety..............Robin

inquestoftruth said...

Your feelings seem quite understandable!   Don't be so hard on yourself for having them.    (You may want to discuss it with your doctors, they may have some helpful tips for you.  This may be something they expected.)
And then, if I may be so bold to go a little further... re-analyze your anger.   It simply has to be coming from somewhere.   Are you mad at yourself?   I know that sounds crazy...but it happens.  You say you aren't angry at God, but is that because you think you aren't supposed to be angry at God?   I think sometimes we may all not understand why God let this thing happen, or that thing happen.    (I'm not saying you ARE angry at God, I'm trying to say that it's ok if you are, He would already know this, and He's there to help you sort your feelings.)    And if you indeed aren't mad at God, or anyone, the Bible says He is our Counselor and Prince of peace, and the Great Physician.    Talk to Him....
One last thing....  we can only live one day at at time.  There's probably a good reason God doesn't show us our future!   Please don't spend the precious energy you need to recuperate on worrying about the future.   You are, after all, in God's hands, and He knows all of your days, good and bad.
~Meg
http://journals.aol.com/inquestoftruth/InQuestOf/

lgonzalez220 said...

To a fellow SURVIVOR.  I was diagnosed at age 43 with Stage III BC.  Found a lump in July 2003, went through tests and treatment.  Surgery, chemo, more surgery, radiation.  Went back to work part time in July 2004.  I've been on my post-radiation treatment (monthly shot and daily pill) for 2 1/2 years.  They say that the amount of time you are in treatment is the amount of time it takes to feel 'normal' again.  It's so TRUE, but, you don't feel normal again.  I did feel better about 10 months after I went back to work.  But I don't want to be normal again.  My life has changed.  Yes, I was pissed.  My oldest daughter's high school graduation was in June 2004.  I had peach fuzz hair.  She went off to college worrying and wondering about mom.  

But, it's now been over 2 years and the days get better every day.  If my feet hurt, it's just because I walked too much that day, not from chemo-related pain.  I have gotten involved in more volunteer work; American Cancer Society Relay For Life and Making Strides Against Breast Cancer.  And the Young Survivor's Coalition/Living Beyond Breast Cancer conference last March in Denver was AWESOME.  There were young people, old people, bald people, skinny people, fat people, just PEOPLE.  All survivors.  And I was ONE of them.  And proud of it.  

LIfe does go on, and it gets BETTER every day.

Hugs to you,
A Survivor in CT

lgonzalez220 said...

P.S.  I didn't cry during chemo.  About a week after chemo I started crying and couldn't stop for weeks.  The routine at the hospital was over; I was facing a mastectomy and more tests.  I would cry for no reason when I was doing the dishes, or driving somewhere, or taking a shower, or brushing my teeth.  I felt stupid, and sad, and mad all at the same time.  My onc. prescribed the little blue pill.  It helped.

grofsand said...

...YOU WROTE>. I also am an admitted control freak and would really love to know what else might be coming that could de-rail me later.

O.K.  O.K.  I confess..I was invited to your surprise 50th Birthday party.....
....I hope you feel the Hope...keep the faith.....Marc :)

tendernoggle said...

FIRST OFF...YOU ARE MY HERO...BUT THEN AGAIN, YOU KNOW THAT...SECOND, WHAT YOU ARE FEELING IS PERFECTLY NORMAL...THIRD...GOD IS GOOD...
LOVE YA,
CARLENE

sangrialel said...

If it makes you feel any better I certainly fell better when I read your enteries.  Linda

barbpinion said...

# 1 point. You survived, and truly ARE grateful, in spite of feeling angry. It's hard not to feel angry when our life gets interrupted. And yours got interrupted in a HUGE way. The members in my family that survived cancer were angry too.
I'm really glad that you're a person who writes things down, good, bad, and the ugly. It really does help. I've kept journals since age 12. Going back and seeing what we've written is like reading something somebody else wrote. It helps us see ourselves in a totally, more realistic light. # 2 point- Being a control freak, hon, makes for difficult living, because there is never a time we can control life. LOL
Trust me, I know this.
I'm so happy you're doing okay. God is good - all the time.
God bless you,
Barb- http://journals.aol.com/barbpinion/HEYLETSTALK
        http://journals.aol.com/barbpinion/THERESTOFTHESTORY
        http://journals.aol.com/barbpinion/FROMBARBSSPIRITUALJOURNALS

thegirlnexdoor77 said...

We all have pissy moments...sounds as if you have more right to have a pissy moment than most!!!!  Hugs,TerryAnn

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