Friday, November 4, 2005

Another self discovery

When I started writing in this journal I had blogged about letting go of toxic friendships, ones that always seem to take more than they gave and were exhausting on a daily basis. I had to let go of my best friend, it was bittersweet, but necessary for me to do at that time in my life. It wasn't because I had enabled her to stay stuck where she was, but the complete opposite, I fought hard to get her to release herself. And in the end, I had given up because she and now I, both knew that is where she was going to stay. She didn't want change, she just wanted to vent.

 It's been almost 2 years since we have had a conversation, we had some small ones, like when she repaid on a loan I had given her, and I called to thank her but nothing deep.  

 We had a 2 hour conversation earlier in the week, and she revealed somethings to me that she knew were going to upset me but, we were both surprised when I had no reaction to it. It is her life, she can live it the way she wants too......just like I am living mine. Big change on my part, because I am a "Fixer" and I let the moment pass without thinking she needed a resolution to what she shared with me.  

What I am just coming to realize about myself is that whenever I see a 'situation' I always try to solve it the way I would. But I lost sight of I am the only me, so why would I expect someone else to resolve something just like I would?

Knowing how I would handle certain situations is always a good thing, it's a plan in case something happens, but expecting everyone to handle it just like I would is wrong, I know that now.  

What I noticed about the elderly is that they get hard set in their ways, some do it without knowing and some do it because they think they have the right to be that way. That they earned their stripes and their scars and they can be how they want. I know that I am not old yet, because I am still in the process of changing. Old way views are taking on a new spins for me. I now know that everybody is handling their lives just how they want it do be done, otherwise they would find their own solutions and act on it, make the changes if they felt they needed to.  

My first instinct is to always rush in and solve problems, that is what I do with my problems. I never sit and dwell, my mind processes things to fast, my first instinct is ok, what do I do about this? This new perspective that is revealing itself to me slowly is teaching me to not be so judgmental, people have the right to live their life the way they choose and who am I to tell them they are doing it wrong? If it's wrong they will get there on their own time and make the changes they feel are needed to make it right. People are going to do what they are going to do so why knock myself out over it?  

My friends life is still the same, but my view has changed on how I see it, I tried to get her help when she needed and wanted it, but the changes had to come from her, and because her situation is something that I would never allow myself to be in doesn't mean it's wrong for her. If she is accepting that as her life then I should too.  

I can still say I would do things differently but I now only speak for myself. What I learned from this is, people are different and that means I needed to let people be different. Everybody has a way and eventually everybody finds their own way and lives their life as it is intended.  

We will never be as close as we were, but that is ok with both of us now. We both learned valuable lessons, Hers- if you don't want everybody up in your business then don't invite them into it. Mine-When your a "Fixer" not everybody wants to be "Fixed."  

It's all about bounderies,  yours and theirs.


ravenlark2 said...


thewritingbug said...


sdoscher458 said...

Demandn I agree, I'm somewhat of a "fixer" myself. I've learned over the years that no everyone looks at a problem the same way. Sometimes the person's life path must take them in a certain way just for them to grow into a stronger being. I had a very good friend whose husband was abusing her, I cried over this. My hubby was going to lay this guy out, he was so incensed over it too. I stood back tried to look at everything without my rose colored glasses, had to tell my friend goodbye.  She allowed it, she enabled him and she protected him...I still cannot understand.   Sandi

tillysweetchops said...

Life seems to be an endless learning curve. It's great to learn and adapt to new thoughts and realisations - It's what keeps the spirit of youth alive!


lissamom2 said...

Those are hard lessons for all of us to learn. And I wonder if we ever truly ever do, completely?

blondepennierae said...

There is some very deep and wise thought in your words.  Aw to be able to follow them completely.  Pennie

yaya1 said...


psychfun said...

Just thinking about what you said about the elderly & becoming set in their ways. Are we not set in our ways? I guess that is what I thought you were saying. We can only be us so therefore we are set in our ways until we want to change & noone can force us. Why do we then use that expression for just the elderly. Why would they not be able then to keep doing things they way they want to?

jmorancoyle said...

     Been there, done that. I'm a fixer, too. In just the same situation, I let my best friend pull me down into her world. I made a break, too. It hurts when I think about it, but for self preservation, I had to do it. I see my friend now and then, and when I do, it is a nice surprise sometimes, and sometimes it's a trip back into that abyss. No matter how much you care for your friend, and how much you want to be there with her, you have to realize that toxin will be right back eating at your gut again if you let it. Whatever you decide to do with this person, good luck to you. I hope it works out for the best.

blgrn97 said...

I just found your blog and saw your photos beautiful work well worth visiting again.  Thanks for sharing yours.

my3gifts said...

Oh my goodness your last sentence is awesome! I JUST got home from a retreat, it was on parenting and there's a marriage one that goes along with it, but it's about BOUNDARIES!

We have to set boundaries for ourselves and for others, no one likes being told their boundaries at first and it's sometimes hard for us to tell others what OUR boundaries are, but they're necessary in life!

It's so hard to let go of a friendship, especially one that has such history.

You're in my thoughts. It's awesome though that you're seeing these things about yourself and others, that's not always easy, and what's even harder is admitting them!

God Bless you