Better Days are coming!

So much to tell so little brain function available to put it all down in words so forgive me for any "What?" you might come across....lol!

I am finding doing oral chemo and whole brain radiation a bit more taxing on my mind this time then before on just the chemo...nuff said about that, so all I want to do is daze in and out of sleep Monday through Friday which I am blessed to be able to do....sometimes it's hard being a stay at home goddess! <smirk>

Last Wednesday I reached my half way point on radiation and met with Dr. Nuke and went over the problems I was experiencing while being nuked....food became an enemy and I now weigh less that my Driver's License says I do! Give me an amen on that everyone! lol In my grand schemes of things or my irrational thinking of why I am going through everything I am going through is I BETTER get a long remission in able to finally feel comfortable to strut my stuff down here on earth before passing on to my next appointment! Whatever works for motivation on the days I need it works for me right?? lol
I was put on steroids for some minor brain swelling due to whole brain radiation, which will also take care of my dry heaves, loss of appetite and loss of energy....so go steroids!

I also met with Dr. Serious who was none to thrilled over my latest tumor marker test and even less pleased with my latest chest x -ray....fluid was building back up under my left lung and I was ordered to go down stairs to out patient and have another chest x-ray which warranted for me to go back into the hospital for an out patient lung tap again.....last time they drained 600 cc's of fluid out of my lungs this time 1300 cc's but the good news in all this is the largest tumor in my right lung did show a slight decrease in size after only one dose of the new oral chemo drug called Xeloda...............so go ME!!!! If the big one shrunk they are assuming that the middle ones and little ones and the lesion might vanish all together as treatment goes on! Everybody happy dance with me! After my lung tap I was able to go with my best friends Michelle and Mar out to a late lunch in an out door lunch cafe and it felt so good to be out in the warm fresh air after 2 weeks of nothing but bed rest...my life's battery got a jump start on feeling better and knowing that I only have the one more week of radiation brought back a little bit of my warrior spark....which I desperately went inside seeking to find.

My hair should start falling out any day now, and if it starts to overwhelm me I will let my Brother have the honor of shaving it all off instead of watching it fall out slowly....buzzing it give me the power over my hair loss not the whole brain radiation...I get some extra warrior strength at being in charge of that instead of the treatment.

I was finally able to reach the spot deep inside myself to be able to express what I am feeling this time around and once I found the words it became easier to deal with....what I learned was that even though I have the utmost trust and respect in my medical staff and the utmost respect and trust in the cancer center that is treating me, but what I am lacking this time around is having blind trust in the treatment this time around considering I did everything on time and as planned the first time around to only find out that it did absolutely nothing for me...my body didn't respond to the treatment that it has done for millions of other breast cancer patients....so trusting with blind faith that this treatment will be the one that works I am finding my self struggling to believe in that whole heartedly and most understand as to why...once I knew what it was that was bothering me I had a quick change around and started to feel better emotionally and I needed that.

Next week is my last (I hope) of radiation and I am looking forward to that date more than you know.......one more treatment under my belt once less bad/sad experience I can let go of....if I look back and go over every stumbling block that I had to over come I would be so overwhelmed and paralyzed to take the next step forward so I never look back over what I have accomplished so far throughout this ordeal and in doing so it lets me take one moment by moment of each day and to be able to warrior through it to give me another tomorrow.

Next I would like to thank Angie from over at the Giving Tree and all the special angels that contributed to my special bracelet of hope...it arrived just in time to wear it to my nuke appointment and it gave me great strength while fingering each slide on there while undergoing treatment it gave me such strength just when I needed it....your love and caring for me reaches many miles all the way to my heart and I thank you!

Mary your card and quick notes always hit the right spot with me...I giggle and feel the hugs with each card.........Jeanne youare so very special to me because of your belief in my over coming this battle re ignites me just when I need it the most...to all my other chemo/cancer angels who leave prayers, best wishes and good karma carry me many more days than you will every know and I will never be able to tell you how much that means to me!

The trickle down effect of all this goodwill sent through J-Land is extraordinary and the ripple effect reaches far and wide and finds ways into other people hearts, other people lifes and other people problems that it gives a quiet ripple effect that reaches far and wide....I often get asked about how easily I find sharing my personal cancer journey with every friend and new stranger that stumbles across my blog and I always say that to have lived, learned and experienced everything I have gone through so far, to keep it under lock and key would only show how shallow of a humanitarian I would be if I kept all this to myself to wallow in self pity instead of putting it ALL out there to help the next person whose path is meant to cross mine and mine is meant to cross theirs to make their burden a lil less heavy and to take load off of mine from time to time....reaching out and helping the next person who needs a lil guidance has brought me tremendous peace and a new calling once I kick this cancer ass this time around.

I hope my drug induced words that somehow found there way into thoughts makes some sense to someone and gives others the insight that they need to be the caretakers, family and friends of those who are going through a life changing illness....when I am strong I want to help the next person that crosses my path and is meant to cross that path and when I am weak I let all of you carry me until I am strong enough to carry myself again....what a wonderful full circle that give me and strengthens me at the same time.

I promise once I finish up my last round of radiation, and an additional week to recover from that.... the old warrior will emerge and I will share everything in a more timely fashion........in the meantime take care of yourselves and each other!

Love,

Kimberleigh

Tags: xeloda, steroids, chest x-rays, finding inner peace, counting my blessings, living with cancer

Coping with cancer...at least I think I am

I think I am finally dealing with the betrayal of my cancer never leaving my body, I gave a breast, I gave my life's blood and I went through 4 months of hell called chemotherapy.....I did it for me, my Jim, my Kids and my Family and friends....I did it because I believed  that I could be one the lucky ones that only had to deal with this once in my lifetime....I found out way toooo soon that this was not to be true.

Here I was barely 3 months out of treatment and all the time the cancer cells were multiplying and multiplying...then after a 6 day stay in the hospital I find out that it has already spread to my lungs, my spine and my brain.....I do not ask "Why Me?" There is no answer to that question....what I am having a hard time understanding is why is it trying so hard to take me from those I love? With cancer there are only two sides to fall on.....the ones that live after their diagnosis and the ones that don't.....I thought I knew which side I was going to land on....I am struggling so hard this time around emotionally......I am a strong woman, I know that...what I am having a hard time doing is going deeper for more of my fighting nature to keep battling with the strength that I did in the beginning....before it was just a breast, now it's every breath I take, it's the broken thought processes that I am now experiencing, it's the fear that every pain I feel I think to myself is that cancer? has it spread to that part of me too?

I have to admit I am weaker this time around but that does NOT mean I am giving up, I am just staying in my head a lil longer than usual....there (in my head) is where I remember who I am and where I came from and all that I have had to endure to get me to where I am today....that is where I find the warrior in me....give me some time and I will find her again....right now I need to just be quiet, just be still and rest. There are quite a number of reasons I am exhausted....cancer itself for one, chemo (again) radiation and every smell makes me want to get sick...nothing sounds good enough for me to eat, so when I do eat I am making healthier choices.....plenty of fresh fruit, raw vegetables, for protein I eat string cheese and to make sure I get enough vitamins and nutrients I am drinking slim fasts.

Today I will complete my first week of radiation.....I hate it because for a few minutes I am strapped to a table by my face and head under a mask, but once that machine kicks on and I hear the noise that the radiation or machine makes I feel like jumping up and screaming die you bastards die......not the tech's....the cancer cells! lol Today is also my first whole day off of chemo....I get a week off and then probably back on again for two weeks. I hope I get some of my strength back this weekend....all I want to do now is sleep on and off all day, so I do.

I want this treatment to work this time.......they say after cancer all you have left is hope.....I don't want hope if it's false hope, I don't want the rest of my life to always be about treatment....I want some of the joy and the happiness that I had before cancer...when I am sick...I am weak, but I still throw those pills down my throat twice a day, I still show up for the radiation, I still make and keep all Doctor appointments and I still want to kick cancers ass. Right now I need time to rest, time for my family...if I don't return a phone call or an email or a two way, it's not that you aren't important to me because you all are, you're my rocks.....it's just that I need time in my safe place....my head and Jim's arms.

This is my journey, this is my life.

Taking a break....

Thank you everyone that has showed such love and compassion to my family and myself...you are truly angels among my family.

I am having a hard time having to go through all this again so soon from the last time, it's all still to fresh in my head and I need to go inside myself for a few days to gather more strength, I am so very tired, I can't think, I can't write I don't have the strength right now to do that so I need to shut down for a few days. I did start my radiation Monday and I will be getting a week off of chemo starting Thursday afternoon...I am hoping I get a little reprieve from the fatigue, the dry heaves, the not so dry heaves and the body aches.

I promise I'll write when I can....you all mean so much to me!

 

Love,

Kimberleigh

It's a great day to be alive!

I met with Dr. Nuke Friday morning and I was assured once again that I really do like her Doctoring style! lol We once again went over what whole brain radiation is and what the risks are and I am comfortable with everything. She asked me if I ever wore a football helmut before......Hmmmmm can't say for sure if I have, she laughed and said that is the part of my head that will be nuked, all that would be covered by a football helmut....so since my face won't be nuked I get to keep my eyebrows and eyelashes....vain as it is, they help define a face when there is no hair....I can do bald again, no problem and just as I finish up with my last nuke my hair should start to fall out.....go figure! lol lol lol

They asked me if I was claustrophobic, I am not, they asked if I ever had a mask made of my face...ohhhh I feel a slight bit of panic there, I said no, never had a mask made of my face....they asked if I ever had Ativan...nope to that question too! lol So they give me two of the tiniest pills I have ever seen and next thing you know I am one stoned woman, they asked if I needed assistance while we walked down the hall to the room they were going to 'mask' me and scan me and I said no thank you I have been to plenty of happy hours! They laughed and I giggled, Jim just held my hand tighter! lol

Thank God I took them up on the offer of the Ativan! Even though the mask is open and airy, kinda like a mesh laundry bag it was heavy and wet when they put it on my face, since my eyes were covered with gauze I couldn't see how "netty" the material was and when they first put it on my face I panicked wondering why aren't they poking holes where my nose and mouth is.......duh it was a net! But if felt as if someone who was tossing a pizza dough around in the air landed on my face...it took about 10 minutes for it to mold and harden on my face...but boy did that Ativan knock me on my butt, don't remember lunch out with Jim, don't remember talking to Rachel and Jimmy but I do remember saying Hi to my Middle daughter and her friend who had stopped by and next thing I know Jim is waking me up 4 hours later because he was worried! lol I could of slept for weeks! lol lol lol

Tomorrowat 9:00 I will be having my first Rad, I won't be taking any Ativan...the nuke procedure is only 2 minutes long, if I panic with the mask on tomorrow I will ask for only 1 Ativan Tuesday....I don't want to sleep the next three weeks away!

Yesterday I only needed to take half of a pain pill and today I am still pain free......that is a beautiful thing considering they sent me home with a war chest of pain killers...Both Dr. Serious and Dr. Nuke think this is a very good sign....that this chemo is doing what it is supposed to and the tumors and lesions in my lungs aren't producing any more fluid so breathing is an easy thing for me once again.

Life........I like it, I love it, I want some more of it! lol lol lol

To be soooo loved! Ü

I met with Dr. Serious this afternoon and both he and I agree that me feeling so well so fast very well could be an early indication that the Xeloda is doing is stuff! Ü... Yesterday I went with Jim to the Orthopedic Specialist to check on his leg injury and thank God it's just a really bad contusion (bruise) They gave him a flexible leg brace to wear on his leg when he has to stand and that can easily be pulled down to the ankle when he is sitting and be taken off completely while asleep...Thank You all for Jim's prayers!

I felt so good yesterday afternoon Jim and I took an old dear friend of mine out for an early dinner so she could see I looked and felt great....that was the time Jim informed me how bad I looked at the hospital....I of course blamed it on the lighting! lol Who looks good in fluorescent lighting anyway?? lmaooooo After lunch we picked up my new meds...I was a lil shocked to see all the pain meds...morphine patches, liquid morphine for when I need instant relief and then a huge bottle of vicodin....I swear if I end up winning this battle with cancer it will be a miracle if I don't pick up a drug addiction along the way! lol lol lol  I only take what I need, when I need it so no worries there! lol lol lol....Jim says I am quite entertaining at times!

Tomorrow I meet with my newest Doctor to join my medical army...I liked her the moment I met her...she see's the urgency to get started immediately... she shall now be known as Dr. Nuke lol! (Radiation Oncologist) I told all my Doctors when I was in the hospital and given the news that it had spread even faster then they anticipated that I am no longer going to wait for anything....they are all in agreement and that gives me a great deal of peace of mind! My hair should start falling out in 2 weeks, of course by then I will only have one more week of rads (radiation) but such is life huh? I truly am Ok with this...I hope the facial hair blonde as it is falls out too! lol....getting tired of looking in the mirror and seeing Elvis side burns...very blonde but very ewwwww! lmaooooo

We ended up going by Jay and Annettes house last night (both mine and Jim's best friends) it was a long day but I soooo needed to be out of the house and socialize although there were many a party my 6 days at the hospital! lol lol lol

Today we both rest and that sounds lovely! Thank you for all the heartfelt words of love and encouragement....I AM A WARRIOR! lol lol lol

Tags: Xeloda, radiation, living with cancer, pain management

It's good to be home!

Just another bump in my road....Wednesday April 24th I started to feel myself get short of breath and a very slight pain in my sternum by Thursday afternoon I could hardly breath and the pain became intense so I called Dr. Serious and they told me to go to the ER...I didn't get home until the following Tuesday afternoon.

When they compared my newest lung scan (from the ER) to my Pet Scan done earlier in the month there were several changes taking place in my lungs, it's now all through both lungs and the pain I was feeling and the shortness of breath was because fluid was building up between my chest wall and my lungs...so much fluid that my lungs were floating in it...when this fluid was tested it was loaded with cancer cells...so they did a tap, a needle into the fluid sac and drained the fluid, I received immediate relief with the first needle draw.....yahoooo for me! lol

I already had a brain MRI and a thoracic MRI scheduled for that following Friday but because that was the day they were doing the fluid drain I had to wait until Saturday....no biggie, I'm already stuck in the hospital anyway. The MRI's revealed that I have a very tiny tumor in the brain and even though it's very small it has all the characteristics of cancer...we all know now that we can't wait on anything....I went from having a little bit of cancer in my lungs to a lot of cancer in my lungs in a few short weeks and we are not taking that chance with the brain now so I will be starting radiation this coming Monday. I will have if Monday through Friday for 3 weeks, the good news is that I can still take my oral chemo through all of this and that should clear up the lungs and the spot on my spine...the oral chemo can't penetrate the brain so that is why I have to have full head radiation....they are not only going after the small tumor but they are not leaving any chances for any cancer cells to remain active in my brain either.....we are going to zap all of those little buggers! I am thrilled that they aren't leaving anything to chance even though I will once again be the 'Hot bald chick!" lol I would rather lose my hair (again) than my life right now so I am giving it all I got once again! God it's good to be stubborn! I am sure there were many days in my childhood that both my parents wished I wasn't so head strong, strong willed and stubborn but it's a big pay off now right Momma??? lol

So the Silver linings in all this mess...I didn't need to come home with oxygen, it's only a teeny tiny tumor on the brain and a teeny tiny lesion on the spine, and the fluid has not built back up again due to the oozing of the lesions in my lungs so that is an early indication that my oral chemo (Xeloda) is doing its stuff, I only get a little winded now and I am now on a morphine patch and I am pain free....again I asked my Oncologist's if they still can get me into remission with all this new stuff taking place and on two different occasions with two different Oncologist's they both said they had no doubt they could as long as we are on the right chemo drugs....and so far my intuition tells me I am....I am barely coughing anymore so that too is an early indication that my lungs don't seem to be under so much duress, every day I can breath deeper and deeper without coughing or pain and I am one appreciative patient!

Thank you for all your uplifting comments, the cards and gifts you all are such special angels protecting me while I fight this battle.....I must have pretty good karma to have all of you in my life!

I'm off to take my Jim to an Orthopedic Surgeon, that stubborn man hurt himself the same day I had to go to the ER and now he might have to have surgery due to something being torn in the back of his leg under his knee cap....send a prayer up for My Guy...he has taken such good care of me now it's my turn to return the love and the favor!

Life is good and I ain't about to give up now! lol lol lol

I'm home!!! lol

I am finally home and I was able to take a long nap in my own bed, side by side with my Jim....We are both exhausted! I will update you all with everything very soon but right now I just need to catch up on some rest....hospitals are not very good for that! lol

A million MUAHHHHS and a million Thank You's to everyone here in J-Land! We are told over and over that the Internet is a scary and dangerous place......you guys ain't so scary are you!?!?! lol lol lol What a wonderful community we have here in J-Land filled with the best people with the biggest hearts....I adore so many of you and each and everyone of you that has reached out to me and my family during all this craziness...brings tears of love to my eyes...you all have touched me so deeply and carried me when I was weary and I'll always love you all so very much for that!

 

Love,

K.