Where my head is at today 7-24-07

So I show up at the hospital Saturday afternoon, they told me to completely medicate myself up myself up since I am going to be flat on my back which what causing me the most pain anyway.....they say take two Norco and to bring my liquid morphine......so I am comfortable, do I bring it? NOOOO! I forget it all at the lake...they wanted to know if I wanted to send someone to get it or have the Doctor order a new little prescription, nope lets just cowgirl up and get this over with.........well with being on the table for an hour and 15 minutes, I needed to be lifted off the table......my sciatica was killing me!

The spine came back with signs of cancer but Dr. Serious felt that treating all the cancer this time instead of just the spine would be the most beneficial so it was on to the new chemo...1 st week I receive both chemo's

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 3rd week no drugs which works out great I won't have to worry about skipping vacation up north for a lil fishing which is a tradition we have been doing for years so I am very happy about that...so I have 1 week on one drug, second week on the second drug then I'm off the third week....hoping fanatically this one works! And waiting to see what side effects I get to enjoy with this one and how long they will last for, so far just a ton of confusion.

I want to send out my heartfelt feelings to you all for everytime I just need to vent or open my soul you lift my spirits so high and carry me, you make me feel that my time here on earth is not over yet, that I have things still left to accomplish and people left to inspire, what a gift to me you are all and I feel every hug, every good wish every prayer and it makes my soul soar so high to help the next person who needs that extra lift that I need from time to time and I love you all dearly for it.....I hope that there is at least one time that I was able to carry your troubled heart and make something a lil better for you...this world is a better place for those who sometimes walk besides us!

Love,

Kimberleigh

Sick of that other shoe always dropping! Grrrrr!

Then it seems the 'other shoe' has to drop! Grrrrr! Even though the news was good on the brain MRI (NED ) the cancer marker tests came up sky high, I have new visible tumor on the outside of my new( left boob) and I have an emergency MRI of my spine in an hour to see if there is something growing or deteriorating from there. It seems I take one step forward and get knocked FOUR steps back!!!!!

So I'm off the Xeloda now that too has stopped working for me, how can I still be producing cancer even though I have been on this chemo for 2+ months..........that's 2 chemo's that seemed to have failed me after a lil while of working for me. Even Dr. Serious is concerned with how aggressive this cancer is.

There are many stages that go along with "dealing" with  cancer  ..........  shock, denial, fear, lot of what if's, then you settle into routine, you show up when the doctor tells you to, take each and every test hoping for the " Best" results.....you show back up again hoping the news will go in your favor and either go  and celebrate (briefly) or move on to the next test, or next treatment........the whole time wondering which of the 2 categories you will luckily fall into.........the survivors? or the non-survivors.......in the beginning I thought and believed what the Doctors statistics were telling me "You can beat this!!!" Now I am not so sure....it seems no matter how I beat it down it comes back faster, with more vengeance and a you are going down attitude, luckily I have been just as strong, just as tuff but now other answers are starting to invade my head.....scenarios that know one wants to hear play out........I am already at peace with either outcome.....even though others' are not ready to hear it.....Me I keep thinking who will go through my house when I'm gone to help Jim and what will they find and how horrified will I be even on the other side???? lol lol lol

A million dirty dishes under the teenagers's Beds?? Jimmy Hoffa himself in the attic or crawl space? What of my personal belongings? I am a Jewelry girl....I have numerous Wedding rings ( same guy folks ) so called me spoiled!!! just how many fishing poles or shot guns, tree stands and tackle boxes does one man need anyway???? I rest my case for everyone woman out there! each Daughter of mine have a piece of Mom to walk down the aisle with if I'm personally not there to attend....Even my Son will have one if he chooses to marry his wife with one of my rings, I've already told them make pendants out of them and there is your something "old" I am so glad that at least I have seen one get wed and the two older ones graduate High School.There really a lot of details to over when you look at the finished picture.

I know you are used to me attacking cancer and giving a good fight but at sometime I might have a different path to face and I need you to remember not every pink warrior wins the  battle and that some they will loose the war....like our Dear Pamela.

So this is where I stand today.....back on steroids, off of Xeloda, waiting to find out if I am starting spine radiation on Monday or a new chemo regiment...But as usual I will show up in my Pink Warrior mode and continue with my destiny........OOOO RAHHHHH!

Now for a shout hout out to the every day heroes, the every day warriors and the people that put their lives on the line every day voluntarily......They do it for the RED, WHITE AND BLUE....... for ME and for YOU!!!!! OUR SOLDIERS!!! You are the true warrrioros, the true everyday heros!

Stay strong and stay safe until you come home! God Bless you too!

Meet N.E.D. Ü

I want you to meet NED, he's my new best friend, I was introduced to him earlier this afternoon.....He stands for No Evidence of Disease.....whick means that there isn't anymore cancer taking up residence in my brain! Oh happy day, oh happy day.........I'll post more as the test results come in! Now I am still working on the lungs and that small spot of my left boob, spine nd liver.

And where it stops nobody knows.......

Ok, Friday afternoon yes I know, I purposely picked Friday the 13th and had my newest brain MRI and  then today they will be doing  a new Cancer Tumor Marker test along with my cbc's and other stuff and then next Friday I meet with Dr. Serious ad Dr. Nuke and we go over the latest info.

I will bring him up to speed on my strength, endurance all around yucky feeling and living on maybe 350 calories a day....I know....not good! but if something doesn't appeal to me I can't eat it. I can't tell you how many things Jim has prepared for me or ran out and bought for me to only take one bite out of it and say"YUK!".....well I am still calling this "My Extreme Cancer Make Over" NOTHING aappeals to this  last round of chemo......... Good for my ass but bad for the rest of my body. They say that the possible long term side effects from the whole head radiation could be a change in personality.....Hmmmm maybe My Momma will her good lil Irish Cathoilic girl always wanted??? Only time will tell! lol lol lol

We got back from Kentucky where all of My Jim's family lives, late Tuesday night and I slept my sleepy butt dead for almost 2 days.....maybe a road trip wasn't exactly what the Doctor ordered talk about saddle sore but I needed to see Jim's family and they needed to see me and it was Jimy's Brother Allen who broke the code as to the changes that have taken place with me since I got sick....I  got quiet as a church mouse.........so un -like me! I'm more like a loud vegas act that borders a lil on the raunchy side of the strip! lol lol lol
I only went out to the lake once this weekend, spent most of today  sleeping the day away......it's becoming a love/hate relationship with my bed. My Jims are at Nascar Race....both in total heaven for sure........I don't get it myself if I'm going to go round and round it's gonna be at a mall! lol Now that kind of lapping I totaly understand! lol

 

side note AJ from SC, Arlene......So many times I have tried to write you an email but you don't have it where your accepting my email adress. Can you change that so I can email your back from time to time?

Thanks Kim

I'm back from my road trip and I am weary, but I am still glad I went! lol My In-Laws took the news hard, even though I had good news to go along with it, my Brother-In Law is having a harder time accepting the changes in my personality, He told Jim that he is not used to me being still, being quiet...that he misses my bubbly personality and my chatty Kathy personality...to me it didn't seem that I had changed that much but I guess I have because I have heard that before about how quiet I've become.

When I see Dr. Serious next week I am going to ask him if there is anything that I can be given to perk me up, I'm tired of sleeping most of my days away....I would like a lil more energy during the day to meet friends and family. I didn't take hardly any pics due to the fact of fatigue.........the day of their reunion I came home and the slept for 24 hours straight! That scared the hell out of My Jim, every couple of hours "Are you OK?" "Are you OK?"............I will be if ya let me sleep! lol

If I have any picture worthy photographs I will post them soon....it's nap time again! lol lol lol

ROAD TRIP!!!!!

Yeah, Yeah....isn't Grandma Annie just precious! That woman has cracked a few hard plastic hairbrushes over my head in her day! lol well deserved I'm sure but still....... OUCH! She likes to tell the story about when I was about 4 years old we just moved to Illinois From a Texas Military base and she was trying to get me to sit still so she could brush my hair.... I told her

OWWW! Your hurting my pretty hair and she said down the end of her nose..........you don't have pretty hair! Ya that came out on therapy! lol lol lol lol Now with me losing my hair twice in 8 months that story makers her cry.........all is forgiven dear one... all is forgiven! She is where I get my fight from her and My Mother.....Both strong, strong women!

Ok, now for the real reason I'm doing an entry.........

ROAD TRIP!!!!!!!!
I am heading South to the In-Laws...it's that time of year for the family reunion and we have yet to still tell Ruth and James that I'm still sick. We have our own reasons from keeping this from them until now because the last time they kept burying me until they saw with their own eyes that even though I still have cancer and it has done the unthinkable (spread) So we wanted to tell them face to face so they can see I am still in my battle mode. I also feel this has given them 6 months of peaceful grace instead of worrying every time the phone rang, or the doorbell rang....I will leave her to tell the rest of the family at the reunion. I can't even remember if we made it last years reunion, it was right after Melissa and Tony's wedding and right around my diagnostic breast mammo and ultra sound.

It is so WEIRD to know you have a memory issue......pick one I got many to choose from.....is it from the tumor on my brain?Is it from all the chemo? is it just because I was a real blonde before....now I'm just a hairless cat! Is it from the radiation treatments? is it from the morphine? the Norco? So when I come up blank....I just file that under "CHIT! Oh well!" lol again if I knew back then (High School) what I know now I wouldn't have intentionally sacrificed soooo many brain cells......Who Knew??? Lmaoooo

See ya when I see ya and yes I'm bringing the camera....Jim is so worried that a bootlegger is gonna take me out or worse I'll stumble across a Met lab..........could be trouble! I don't think he's gonna leave me to my own free will for a long time!

"The Troll and Me"

This woman married her High School Sweetheart only to lose him to his stubborn Irish Pride and TB at the early age of 31. Leaving behind 7 children.......there were only 5 when he was first diagnosed but oh those weekend visits home provided 2 more mouths to feed as if they could afford that......but love does find a way. Shortly after my Grandfather Emmett Brennan passed away my Fathers family was accepted into Mooseheart. It is a place for second chances all due to the wonderful order of the moose clubs.

This woman knows heart break.........she's buried her oldest son my father Mike, her second oldest son Emmett and her first born daughter Ann.....my Father due to the hold of that almighty bottle, and my Aunt and Uncle to Cancer....now she has to live with mine...we tell her things slowly, she has lost her sight due to Macular Degeneration a few years earlier, but don't let her fool ya...she can take ya down at 2 feet! lol

She's  lost her fair share of grand babies and great grand babies too. She is our rock, our matriarch and she is in high demand when it comes to family gatherings. We are everything bad and good about your a typical Catholic Irish family.

In the end....it REALLY is all about family, who you love and who loves you back...thank God I got that early...I didn't need cancer to show me that.

This is one proud Great Great Grandma! 7 kids, 18 grandchildren ,33 great grand children and 1 great great grand child....where ever we go it's party! lol lol lol This is the author of all "THE TELLINGS" she shares family stories with us for us to pass down from generation to generation...I'm surprised at how many times someone WASN'T arrested! lol Although a whole generation 3 Brennan Brothers kinda left Nova Scotia without time to pack..........We still never figured out what happened up there but all 3 left in a a hurry and married the 3 Cavanaugh Sisters....mi vida loca baby....for sure!

She's smashing the hell out of my new boob.......can you say OUCH!!!!!!!! lol

Tags: generations, family

My Brat Pack! lol

My Rachel, My Lil Jimmy, Me, My Amanda (aka) Bob and My Melissa

These are the reasons I fight without hesitation when it comes to doing what I gotta do just to have another tomorrow. They are the biggest joys of my life and the biggest pain in the ass's at times....but weren't we all at some point in our lives?? lol lol lol

The family resemblance is uncanny! lmaoooooooo These are two of my Fathers younger Brothers...there were 5 Brothers all military branches served and 2 Sisters...Uncle Bob and Uncle Steve had to give it up for me.......I'm now the hottest bald member of the family......sorry guys! NOT! lol lol lol

More photo's to post tomorrow.....some of The Troll too.....Grama Annie who I get all "the tellings" from!

This lil light of mine....

For almost 10 days I have secretly been scared that the cancer has spread to my bones.....I have been in pain...severe pain that came out of nowhere....I wake up in the morning and my back and shoulder blades are killing me, my sternum is killing me and my joints and muscle aches like I've been in a car wreck. I have been silent about my fear of the cancer spreading to my bones but it's been hard to keep silent about my pain...yesterday I woke up in so much pain that I had to use my liquid morphine....I haven't had to use that since my last hospitalization in May.

So what do I do? I call my Momma of course........who else can I share my fear with at this point without devastating my Children....I do share my fear with Jim because he finally caught a glimpse of some of the pain. My Mother immediately puts my mind at ease.......I love my Momma...she had been checking out the side effects of my Xeloda (oral chemo) and even though I did this myself in the beginning with the packet the drug company gave me it failed to mention.....back pain, chest pain and muscle and joint pain....Whewwww! I have been off my morphine patches for a lil over 2 weeks and I think that is why I am now having pain from the Xeloda. I have tried to keep my use of pain medications down to barely used because up until this point I could handle it...but I'm going to be utilizing them more now that I know it's just going to be part of my every day life (pain that is) while I continue on my way to find remission from all this cancer chit. lol

I should of figured out when I left the hospital in May why they sent me home with such strong narcotics....liquid morphine, Norco and the morphine patches! This too I shall get through....there is still so much living to do!

I had a rough time Saturday even though we spent it at the lake, I never managed to get out and visit with anyone and I wasn't up to visitors but Sunday was fabulous and almost every member of my huge Irish family was there to celebrate 2 family birthdays who both turned 17...tons of pictures were taken and I was even able to get a picture of me and all four of my kids....very rarely can I get them all at the same place, but yesterday was a day of celebration and family and good friends...food was fabulous, the kids all enjoyed the beach, my Son-In-Law and my Husband went out fishing together for the first time with many more times to come....the sight of them 2 out on the water together fishing and talking just warmed my heart....I love my SIL...he's my Daughters perfect match and he has so many of my Jim's traits.....can't get better than that! lol

I'll share the some of the pictures by tomorrow.......there is so many from other family members too! I think there was probably 30 of us out there.......Some even came from out of state just to hug me and tell me how proud they are of me and to battle on like the pink warrior that I am......I needed that extra kick on the ass to get back in my warrior mode.....watch out cancer here I come! lol lol lol

Tags: Xeloda side effects, pain managment, family, breast cancer stage IV, working toward remission