I don't know about the rest of the world but by day I don't have a care in the world.....but come nightfall is when the weight of the world sits on my shoulders. Thanks to the Doctor and that lil bottle of xannnax I have no problem falling asleep....it's if I wake up in the middle of the night is when my mind goes on overload and either I can't fall back to sleep at all or I stay in that in between state of half awake and half asleep and remember every detail.
Since I had to start flushing my system with lots of water(3 p.m. yesterday) for today's test I was up making several trips to the bathroom all night. I had many dreams and in my dreams last night I was going around saying goodbye to everyone and finding things around my home that had sentimental meanings to me and giving them to certain people who would hold onto that meaning. I was at peace with my fate..I remember every sentence started out with "I am dying and I want you to have this" kinda morbid I know! I don't put much thought into interpreting my dreams....not that I don't believe we dream for a reason....I just usually never needed to figure it out, I always awoke content.....usually my dreams settle something in my sleep mode that I can't settle in my wake mode.
I know with my Sister, every time she dreamed her teeth were falling out someone in our circle of life passed away. Now that she has dentures......I don't know if it holds the same meaning...Her teeth come out every night!!!! lmaooooooo
I am going to work out this morning, it has improved my strength and endurance greatly...but then it will be a quiet day spent at home...I've been on the verge of a migraine since last night...first one in a long time which is a very good sign..last one was August of last year while I was in the hospital following my Mastectomy..which caused me to get sick to my stomach then Atrial Fib.....crossing my fingers that doesn't happen again today!
I didn't get to go shoe shopping......I ended up at the gun range all afternoon instead! Don't ask! lol lol lol
Friday, March 30, 2007
Thursday, March 29, 2007
coping, shoe shopping and nicknames
Hmmmmm......strange, very strange!
By now you all know my nicknames for my host of Doctors, there is Dr. Hollywood (My Plastic Surgeon) Dr. McHottie (My Surgeon) and Dr. Serious (My Oncologist)..and can't even tell you the name I have for my new Gynie! lol!
So with my last chemo round in January, Dr. Serious pats me on the back and says see you in May....now I'm freaking! See you in May? What about other tests? What about making sure that all the cancer is really gone? And I'm told that when I had the full body bone scan followed by the full body cat scan that the cancer(tumors) wasn't found anywhere else in my body.......just my breast, so removing that breast was in my best interest.....totally agreed. Dr. Serious said that the Tomaxifen that I would be taking for a long time would take care of the cancer cells that survived chemo.......yes you heard me right, cancer cells can survive even after chemo....kinda made my blood run cold.
So with all the recent health scares, I've let my surgeon Dr. McHottie take care of them.....he is extremely thorough and I am forever grateful.....he orders the tests, I have them done and they send the results back to him....Well, I guess this suspicious lesion made him want to alert my Dr. Serious, so at 8:00 a.m. this morning my phone rings....it's Dr. Serious telling me that I need to get a Lung Cat Scan ASAP........done that already! (It's tomorrow afternoon) and then tells me that he will need to see me right away as soon as the results are in....strange thing is....I'm not in a panic!
Like I said before....it is what it is and I can't change that fact....I only have control over how I deal with it. Cancer took a breast, cancer (chemo) took a few months of my life.....but I won't let cancer take today from me. And to sit and worry all day will give cancer another day of my life.....not gonna happen! lol
I'm going shoe shopping! lmaoooooooo
By now you all know my nicknames for my host of Doctors, there is Dr. Hollywood (My Plastic Surgeon) Dr. McHottie (My Surgeon) and Dr. Serious (My Oncologist)..and can't even tell you the name I have for my new Gynie! lol!
So with my last chemo round in January, Dr. Serious pats me on the back and says see you in May....now I'm freaking! See you in May? What about other tests? What about making sure that all the cancer is really gone? And I'm told that when I had the full body bone scan followed by the full body cat scan that the cancer(tumors) wasn't found anywhere else in my body.......just my breast, so removing that breast was in my best interest.....totally agreed. Dr. Serious said that the Tomaxifen that I would be taking for a long time would take care of the cancer cells that survived chemo.......yes you heard me right, cancer cells can survive even after chemo....kinda made my blood run cold.
So with all the recent health scares, I've let my surgeon Dr. McHottie take care of them.....he is extremely thorough and I am forever grateful.....he orders the tests, I have them done and they send the results back to him....Well, I guess this suspicious lesion made him want to alert my Dr. Serious, so at 8:00 a.m. this morning my phone rings....it's Dr. Serious telling me that I need to get a Lung Cat Scan ASAP........done that already! (It's tomorrow afternoon) and then tells me that he will need to see me right away as soon as the results are in....strange thing is....I'm not in a panic!
Like I said before....it is what it is and I can't change that fact....I only have control over how I deal with it. Cancer took a breast, cancer (chemo) took a few months of my life.....but I won't let cancer take today from me. And to sit and worry all day will give cancer another day of my life.....not gonna happen! lol
I'm going shoe shopping! lmaoooooooo
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
What's going on........
Spring break......good for the kids, good for me too. I get to sleep in a hour and a half longer. Yesterday my kids were at my Sisters house. Something about a water balloon fight, an attempt to hook up a hose from one of her bathroom sinks to run outside, and a busted pipe (which turned out not to be, just a leaky connection) and a rather large puddle on the floor made me very happy that they weren't at my house! lol
Now news from "My Extreme Cancer Make Over"..between working out 3 times a week for the 3 months before I was diagnosed I had lost 15 pounds back then....yeah for me! Then between the surgery and the chemo I had lost another 22 pounds....pretty soon I am going weigh as much as my driver's license says I do <smirk> which reminds me of a story.....
My drivers license was going to expire while me and the girlfriends were on our "Desperate Housewives Cruise" back in 2005 (that trip is somewhere in my archives, another good read! lol), so before I was about to leave the country (US of A) I went to the DMV.....We all know how pleasant they can be right??? lol So I am standing in line where you have to give up your old license and update your information and the man is looking at my DL, then looking at me, then looking at the DL and back again at me....then in that "I hate my job monotone" he says, "Is there anything you would like to change on your drivers license?" and I say, "No" he says, "Are you sure? There is nothing that you should change?" again I say "No" now it's a full blown stare down.......finally he asks again if everything is current on the information and I said,"Yes when I first got my driver's license I was 5 foot 0 inches and I'm still 5 foot 0 inches! My hair is still blonde and my eyes are still blue!" He just avoided my glare as he handed me back my stuff and said, "Next!' lmaooooooooo
Silly! Silly Man! lol lol lol
Now news from "My Extreme Cancer Make Over"..between working out 3 times a week for the 3 months before I was diagnosed I had lost 15 pounds back then....yeah for me! Then between the surgery and the chemo I had lost another 22 pounds....pretty soon I am going weigh as much as my driver's license says I do <smirk> which reminds me of a story.....
My drivers license was going to expire while me and the girlfriends were on our "Desperate Housewives Cruise" back in 2005 (that trip is somewhere in my archives, another good read! lol), so before I was about to leave the country (US of A) I went to the DMV.....We all know how pleasant they can be right??? lol So I am standing in line where you have to give up your old license and update your information and the man is looking at my DL, then looking at me, then looking at the DL and back again at me....then in that "I hate my job monotone" he says, "Is there anything you would like to change on your drivers license?" and I say, "No" he says, "Are you sure? There is nothing that you should change?" again I say "No" now it's a full blown stare down.......finally he asks again if everything is current on the information and I said,"Yes when I first got my driver's license I was 5 foot 0 inches and I'm still 5 foot 0 inches! My hair is still blonde and my eyes are still blue!" He just avoided my glare as he handed me back my stuff and said, "Next!' lmaooooooooo
Silly! Silly Man! lol lol lol
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
Monday, March 26, 2007
What a wonderful world....
I had such a wonderful weekend! Saturday was spent at the lake then we had dinner at my Sisters house and then went and joined all our other friends over at one of their homes, where we all just sat around and enjoyed everyone's company....for the girls it was like a flash back to a sleep over, we invaded our friends closet and tried everything on, I had gone shopping earlier in the day so I had 2 bags full of new summer clothes, so out of the truck they came and into the bedroom...they guys who couldn't even act like they were interested (LOL) and totally ignored our impromptu fashion show.....Well, until all the 'boob tops' came out! lol We of course are blaming our behavior all on the wine!!! <smirk> We were home and in bed around midnight....I love those nights spent out with friends. Thinking about those nights while I was sick and in bed for 4 months helped me visualize myself getting better, getting stronger and to finally be in that moment....I just can't find the right words or the right phrase....truly beautiful to my core, my soul, to be in that moment!
Sunday was even more beautiful than the day before so we all headed out to the lake and did a BBQ. Some were doing a lil fishing, some practicing their bows and some shot a few rounds of skeet shooting. I opted for a long walk in the woods. The ground was damp and the scent was earthy, I was serenaded by the bull frogs and the crickets...I took paths that I never remembered seeing before....such a calmness came forth in me. I could see the leaf buds just starting on the trees, the moss was just a beautiful shade of green on the damp tree trunks and there was me, out in the woods....... with no camera! (ugh) I found this one skinny tree that had small mushrooms growing all the way up its side......like a stairway to heaven..that would of been a great shot! I just hope I can find it next weekend when I bring my camera and try to bring back some of the beauty that was all around me.
As far as my latest health concern goes, God has given me the peace that I needed.......it is what it is and worrying isn't going to change that. I already know what I'll do if the news is bad, I will once again warrior through it and if the news is good, I will once again be thankful for another blessing bestowed upon me and today..........we are all going to the ZOO! And I wont forget my camera this time!
Life is beautiful and I am thankful!
Sunday, March 25, 2007
Heard it in a love song......
Little Big Town
"Bring It On Home"
You got someone here wants to make it alright
Someone who loves you more than life right here
You got willing arms that'll hold you tight
A hand to lead you on through the night right here
I know your heart can get all tangled up inside
But don't you keep it to yourself
[Chorus:]
When your long day is over
And you can barely drag your feet
The weight of the world is on your shoulders
I know what you need
Bring it on home to me
You know I know you like the back of my hand
But did you know I'm gonna do all that I can right here
I'm gonna lie with you till you fall asleep
When the morning comes I'm still gonna be right here (yes I am)
So take your worries and just drop them at the door
Baby leave it all behind
[Chorus]
Baby let me be your safe harbor
Don't let the water come and carry you away
[Chorus]
You got someone here wants to make it alright
Someone who loves you more than life right here
Thank you Jim for always being my safe harbor, for loving me the way you do....you always know what to say, you always know what do to.....nobody does it better than you!
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