Thursday, October 19, 2006

Epiphany, Epiphany....Epiphany!

I had yet another epiphany somewhere in the middle of my dreams last night. Funny how that happens....trying to find a solution to something that is "bothering" or "unanswered" in your life all day long, unable or not satisfied with what is presented to you and then it comes back to you in the night in a way that answers everything...at least for me this is how it's always been. If I did something wrong, it would keep me up at night.......that is how I knew if I should be the one doing the apologizing or the one needing the apology.

My childhood was shattered with the death of my not so good of a Father's death when I was 16. He had many flaws but I loved him like a true Daddy's Little Girl. 27 years have passed since his death due to complications relating to loving the bottle more than life and I still can't help but feel by not taking advantage of all the programs that were available to him and by doing nothing to try and quit the disease he chose death over life without even knowing it was coming after him....many times I felt the booze and the bar scene were more important to him then the family waiting for him at home wondering if he was going to come home "Happy Drunk" or "Mean Drunk" or even come home at all...... Not much of a happy go lucky childhood written in between the lines. The day I finally challenged him on this I was around 12 years old.

Being a smart mouthed child that I was and not knowing the full history of my Parents marriage, he had gone to work on a Friday morning and didn't come home until Sunday afternoon....so when he walked in the door it was me with my hands on my hips asking him, "And just where have you been!!" Where I was told immediately by my Father that it was none of my business just as my Mother entered the room. It was at that moment that my Mother realized that she could no longer live her life that way.....she had to stick up for herself and her children, especially her 2 daughters if they were to ever grow up and know their own self worth as future Women and Wives, and by the following weekend she informed him while tracking him down at yet another bar with yet another woman that he no longer lived at "Home" anymore.

Within that year he not only lost his Wife, His children, His home but finally the boozing cost him his job with the government....he lost everything because he would NOT seek the help that was available to him....he chose the booze by choosing to do nothing of his addiction....that was the biggest let down of my life..... even all these years later.....He never choose ME, I was never "more" important.....tough revelation to a wild child on the edge of falling off...I was 16 when he died at the age of 41.

So when people admire my determination to win my battle with Cancer, I don't think myself so worthy of all their admiration. I am choosing to battle and battle hard because I am doing it for MY Children.....they are more than worthy of what I have to go through to beat this. By giving up or by choosing not to take full advantage of all the treatment available to help me with this battle I would be repeating the same mistake as my Father and that is far to heavy of a burden to place on my children..... that they weren't worth fighting for.

I am still madly in love with the man that I fell in love with at first sight over 25 years ago, I have 4 beautiful Children, I learned a long time ago to take nothing for grant it and appreciate even the most quiet and most simplest of things and I have all my priorities in order, even more so now that Cancer has realigned them even further.

Knowing what to do and when to do it is kinda easier when you know what you're fighting for...so when I am down, I remember that little girl still hidden in me and I refuse to make the mistakes of my Father and his Father before him, by not "doing" anything to change what is happening in my life. I just can't stop now.

28 comments:

lindapaterson177 said...

Funny how things that happen to you as a child make you the person you are today and for the better, I can relate to a lot of what you said in this entry Kim and I know what you mean in a lot of the words that you have written, thank you for sharing it.
bella x

imshadowraven2 said...

My friend many of us our "not" doing what certain people in our younger lives did do and then there are those who i feel choose to do the same things they whined that was done to them growing up. Some people say its destiny how a person turns out and i agree to a point. For me i choose not to give my children away and i choose not to let the drink control me. And i will continue to admire you in the same way i always have i LOVE strong women (some people again call us bitches) .

             love u my friend ~~~Robin~~~

thegirlnexdoor77 said...

I could use to take some of that advice in some areas of my life..thanks for sharing this story...my daughters uncle just died at age 30 the doctors blame drinking???  Big hugs and prayers,TerryAnn

sangrialel said...

Kim what a totally awesome entry this is!!!  My father was an alcholholic also but quit when I was in 3rd grade for 10 years, he started drinking again after that many years and it was like he had never quit.  He got very sick a few years after that with Korsokoffs syndrome.  It was a huge dissappointment to me.  Linda

candlejmr said...

Fighting the fight against cancer takes a massive amount of determination.  You have that fight and that determination and that is what makes you such a winner.  You see your husband and your kids and you know you have to do whatever you possibly can to be here for them.  It's a long, hard, painful fight, but you can see the light at the end of the tunnel.  Unfortunately, your dad could not see that light.  He did, however, leave that lesson with you and now you can grow even stronger.

You are a wonderful woman with great determination and I guess you can thank your dad for that gift!

((hugs))
Jeanne

thisismis72 said...

oh no girl you broke me up.  I long for your determination, strength, compassion.  You are a great gal, and I am pleased to have had the chance to get to know you better, cause believe it or not, you are worthy, and alot of people, more than your kids, look up to you.  I for one do.
I know there are many more not just here in J~Land.  You have made a good life for you and your kids, pat yorself on the back, you deserve it.  Big hugs girl.
Missy

blueblueandblew said...

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dwhee70041 said...

Kim, We are the sum of many parts.  We spend a lifetime learning.....everyday, and we store these lessons in our brain for later reference.  I are worthy of the admiration.  How you got there is important, but not as important as the choice you made to whip this cancers butt!!!!  I will always admire you and your courage, the fact that you do it for yourself and your family.  David

missy92980 said...

I completely echo what Missy wrote to you.  You are an amazing woman!!  There is no denying that.  Your husband and your children are inredibly lucky!  You didn't give in! You didn't follow in the footsteps, crying that since YOU had a rough childhood that the world owes you for it.  You ROCK lady...no room for argument there.  As long as you continue to appreciate every minute for what it is worth, you will continue being successful.  HUGS TO YOU!!
Missy92980

sunflowerkat321 said...

Not only do you demonstrate to your family how important they are by fighting....you also set an example to your children to never give up.  You show them that part of being in a loving relationship means you have an emotional responsibility to the other people involved.  Your example of fighting for life and for family will be with them always, and will carry to the next generation....and the next.  You are changing the course of selfish self destructive behavior that ran in the generations before you.  That's pretty damned awesome!!!!!

inafrnz247 said...

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kbeatty99 said...

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barbpinion said...

Congratulations on being nominated for the VIVI Awards. Good luck!
Barb- http://journals.aol.com/barbpinion/HEYLETSTALK

justplainbill said...

Kimberly, you have got this old man in tears, again. I have always said the only good thing I did in my life was to raise four great children. Good luck to you I know you will come out on top and your children will be great. Thanks Bill

cindytessier said...

my first husband was very much like your father except that he chose to get help after he lost his wife and he has now been sober for almost 22 years.  it was too late for us and for years i had a lot of anger and resentment but then one day i suddenly realized that it wasn't personal!  he would have treated anyone the way he'd treated me...it wasn't me.  your mother was very brave to take the stand she did back then and that is no doubt why you are such a strong woman.  i enjoy your blog.  take care.

pharmolo said...

That's a tough story, Kim, and not the first I've read like it. It would appear though that it has set you up for your current battle with cancer.

siennastarr said...

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tendernoggle said...

Kim,
You Are worthy of the praise and admiration we all here have for you... I know your dad must have hurt you so bad by not changing his actions....but he did in a way help give you the determination to be a better Parent to your own children....at least he did that much...
love ya,
carlene

jmorancoyle said...

    I come from the same background. (I've been told the Irish could rule the world if not for the bottle.) And how many years I've heard that children will grow up to fall into the same rut as their mother or father. Bull. The way I see it is that there is a lot of us out there who refuse to. I don't drink and neither does my husband. I believe you when you say that you're chosing your children over this 'bottle.' You can do this. You are a strong person.
Jude
http://journals.aol.com/jmorancoyle/MyWay

sdoscher458 said...

Demandn...some people repeat their parents mistakes, others learn from them and strive harder...you are one of them.  At an early age you were more mature than your parent, it hurts I know but it's not that he didnt love you..he didn't love himself.  Hang in there babe, January is coming.....love, Sandi

schnozbeary said...

"Knowing what to do when you know what you are fighting for"... WOW!!!  Your dad didn't get that....My Dad died from complications related to alcoholism, and never got it. Not to "ick" you, but sometimes people get so caught up in their past mistakes or problems that they cannot find their way back out again. That's not to denigrate your truth, which is valid, but I'm just offering a perspective. You have and have had the strength to overcome much. He, maybe, could not find that strength. If you want, you can email me... we come from similiar perspectives... Penny http://journals.aol.com/schnozbeary/Postcardsfromtheedge

mpnaz58 said...

Beautiful entry, and well written.  The anguish you must have felt as a child, and continue to feel today is evident.  Your courage is admirable, not only because you refuse to let your situation beat you, but because your selflessness, your children and husband, are your motivation.  Take care...
xoxo ~Myra

rebuketheworld said...

When you wrote, "He never choose ME"....threw me into tears woman....deep....strength and determination is found through those who love and need us...but on addiction...I believe there are different hearts in those who choose drugs first...My father was an addict...my brother..and I smoke....My father chose booze...my brother chose the needle....Addiction is a cover up..like a dectective movie and the criminal is from childhood...many addicts would give their life for their family...mourn silently...and from the outside you see anger...SOME addicts could give a shit period....but they're fewer than people think...my brother is the most trusthworthy person on the planet....unless hes using drugs....he wasnt an involved father because he needed the drugs...but he loved his son....the drugs dont dismiss the love...they're a covering that appears that way....feelings are real...the hurt is real...I knew that as a child....but in the end...addicts that dont choose loving someone else first,,loose all...with much regrets..but often they still loved but the addiction revealed no truth of what was truly inside of them...my brother is clean...an involved father....and still mourns from his past...he was this same man when he was doing drugs....we all knew that...him walking away from drugs revealed what was always there..that he did love..Your father may have been this way too...loving you..needing you and his family...and the drugs covered up this place in his heart and your hurt is real nonetheless..My fathers alcholism and abuse still hurt me as a child...still does...you always wish you could have known childhood delights and they're were stolen because a wounded parent wasnt there....I'm sorry to hear of your childhood pain surfacing as you discover...your strength is far more than you could have imagined...your a moving on person....rare..your children and your husband are lucky.....-Raven

bobbysgirl8584 said...

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am4039 said...

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ceilisundancer said...

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pprrrr39 said...

I am sorry to hear about what you went through......but.....i believe that it has made you a stronger person
hugs
Jayne

psychfun said...

Just getting to some older alerts. Great reminder to me that every experience in life is for a learning purpose & to help us later in life with something and that it may not be for us. I certainly wish your dad didn't have that problem & you had him for a longer time in a wonderful way but then if you did would you have attacked fighting against your cancer like you are now? Hmmm? Don't know. What a gift in some ways you got huh. I just always wish we didn't need to have situations like that to learn from. You'd think there would be a better way. Prayers on the way today! :-)