I had yet another epiphany somewhere in the middle of my dreams last night. Funny how that happens....trying to find a solution to something that is "bothering" or "unanswered" in your life all day long, unable or not satisfied with what is presented to you and then it comes back to you in the night in a way that answers everything...at least for me this is how it's always been. If I did something wrong, it would keep me up at night.......that is how I knew if I should be the one doing the apologizing or the one needing the apology.
My childhood was shattered with the death of my not so good of a Father's death when I was 16. He had many flaws but I loved him like a true Daddy's Little Girl. 27 years have passed since his death due to complications relating to loving the bottle more than life and I still can't help but feel by not taking advantage of all the programs that were available to him and by doing nothing to try and quit the disease he chose death over life without even knowing it was coming after him....many times I felt the booze and the bar scene were more important to him then the family waiting for him at home wondering if he was going to come home "Happy Drunk" or "Mean Drunk" or even come home at all...... Not much of a happy go lucky childhood written in between the lines. The day I finally challenged him on this I was around 12 years old.
Being a smart mouthed child that I was and not knowing the full history of my Parents marriage, he had gone to work on a Friday morning and didn't come home until Sunday afternoon....so when he walked in the door it was me with my hands on my hips asking him, "And just where have you been!!" Where I was told immediately by my Father that it was none of my business just as my Mother entered the room. It was at that moment that my Mother realized that she could no longer live her life that way.....she had to stick up for herself and her children, especially her 2 daughters if they were to ever grow up and know their own self worth as future Women and Wives, and by the following weekend she informed him while tracking him down at yet another bar with yet another woman that he no longer lived at "Home" anymore.
Within that year he not only lost his Wife, His children, His home but finally the boozing cost him his job with the government....he lost everything because he would NOT seek the help that was available to him....he chose the booze by choosing to do nothing of his addiction....that was the biggest let down of my life..... even all these years later.....He never choose ME, I was never "more" important.....tough revelation to a wild child on the edge of falling off...I was 16 when he died at the age of 41.
So when people admire my determination to win my battle with Cancer, I don't think myself so worthy of all their admiration. I am choosing to battle and battle hard because I am doing it for MY Children.....they are more than worthy of what I have to go through to beat this. By giving up or by choosing not to take full advantage of all the treatment available to help me with this battle I would be repeating the same mistake as my Father and that is far to heavy of a burden to place on my children..... that they weren't worth fighting for.
I am still madly in love with the man that I fell in love with at first sight over 25 years ago, I have 4 beautiful Children, I learned a long time ago to take nothing for grant it and appreciate even the most quiet and most simplest of things and I have all my priorities in order, even more so now that Cancer has realigned them even further.
Knowing what to do and when to do it is kinda easier when you know what you're fighting for...so when I am down, I remember that little girl still hidden in me and I refuse to make the mistakes of my Father and his Father before him, by not "doing" anything to change what is happening in my life. I just can't stop now.