Butterfly Kisses and a runny nose

I now I'm going to Jamaica, I know I should be dancing on air.......but I can't get there just yet. As much as I whine and complain about the trials and tribulations of parenting, I'm having a hard time leaving 3 of my children behind (I am not comfortable taking my minor children out of the country right now and lil Jim refuses to fly). In the 20 years I have been with Jim we have been away from our children 4 days......yup just 4 days.....20 years......mind boggling isn't it? Because we were a blended family with two kids at the get go, we married and postponed a honeymoon......then when we added two of "ours" to the mix there wasn't anytime or money or anyone willing to take all 4 of the kids for us to escape.

So now here it is a little more than 24 hours away where Jim and I will board a plane with our oldest child who is to be married on the beach in Jamaica and I am a tear streaked, runny nosed woman.....I can't tell you how many times I welled up with tears today..........I am going to be a runny nosed, mascara mess when Jim meets his baby girl at the end of the aisle to hand her off to her beloved. I am just not ready to "go there' yet. I could be crashing a total strangers wedding and I loose it every time the Father of the Bride sees his baby girl in all her wedding glory! I was robbed of that when my Father passed away when I was just 16......it's always over the top emotionally for me, not to mention the Father/Daughter dance!

So here I sit, puffy eyed over the fact that I will be away from 3 of my children while the other one begins a new life, with a new last name........we both cried over that during an hour long telephone conversation yesterday morning. For as long as Jim and I have been married it didn't matter which child was born to which parent my immediate family all had the same last name. We balled so much over that on the phone yesterday she is seriously thinking of keeping our last name and adding a hyphen then her new last name. Who knew this was going to effect me in this way. I asked my own Mom if she felt like she was loosing each of her babies when we all wed our spouses and she said that she did and that this is all normal and what got her through it three times was the fact that we all married our "someone special" who loved us as much as she did and that made it all easier for her.

20 years I have been screaming "Grow and move out already!!" and now they are starting to and stupid, sentimental me wants my babies back!!!! Good Lord if I can't get through the days before the wedding without turning into a weepy mess, how am I going to get through the actually wedding??? Now if I can just get my emotions in check I might be able to enjoy this little time away alone with Jim.

I am such a blubbering idiot right now........which is something I am never comfortable being, especially in public.........I need a hug!

It's official...I'm no longer.........

It's official.......I'm no longer allowed in polite society until whatever I am going through runs it's course! My Mother was finished with menopause by the time she was my age, my sister who is a year older then me has been going through it for 18 months now........so I'm guessing this is menopause and I will confirm it with a blood test when I get back from my trip.

Yesterday the DH finally gave in to my pleading about buying some new clothes. I would say we have gone shopping together maybe 2 times in the 20 years we have been together. He hates to shop but this time he made me go with him and like a tired, spoiled brat I whined the whole time......a tantrum thrown by a 43 year old woman is not a pretty sight, but I could not help or stop myself....I am spinning out of control. After all was said and done I have to admit he listened to me this time and pretty much bought everything I liked and didn't buy one single ugly shirt! lol And I have to say he looked HOT in his new style of clothing...........You know you married the right man when every time you see him, you'd hit on him all over again! lol lol lol

We ended the day with a late dinner.....bitchy girl (that's me) wanted steak and shrimp......so the DH took bitchy girl for steak and shrimp. Bitchy girl wanted off the menu the garlic filet mignon medallions with the garlic grilled shrimp, but bitchy girl didn't want all that minced garlic on top, so bitchy girl asked politely if they could make the dish without adding all the minced garlic on top (I'm talking about a tablespoon of minced garlic added as a garnish on top) It's not as if I needed to keep werewolves away or anything....I just didn't want to taste that dinner for the next few days.........bitchy girl also ordered a margarita on the rocks to take off "the edge" or "The chip" on my shoulders I was carrying around with me for the last few weeks.

I was quite calm by the time they started serving....that is until I saw all the minced garlic all over my food, that I specifically asked not to be there........mistake number one right?? Oh mistake number two came right after that..........when I pointed it out to the waiter and without a blink of an eye he said, "Well, you can just scrape it off right?" where as the other Kim would of said, "couldn't you just take it back and have them make me a new order without the garlic like I asked?" But NOOOOOO bitchy girl said (without a blinkof an eye) "Well, can't you just stick it up your ass?? minced garlic and all??"..........OHHHH bad form bitchy girl!!!!!

Needless to say I am taking myself out of polite society until I land in Jamaica and let the beauty of the island sooth the savage beast that has taken over me........Jim said something like, "If you keep this up you will be spending the whole time Hannibal Lector style.......straight jacket, lovely leather face mask and on a dolly!"      OHHHHH MY BAD!!!!!  lol

Bleckkkkk!  The tan lines???? lol lol lol

If this is menopause......shoot me now!!!

Ok, I have no idea what is the matter with me.........I'm having a mood swing three minutes apart! I can be content and happy one minute and then either spiting fire or weeping like a willow the next. Most of the time I have this anxious feeling........like I'm about to bolt any minute. Is this pre trip jitters? Daughters wedding jitters? Peri-menopause jitters?? What ever it is I HATE not being in control of my emotions. I think my youngest daughter even called in reinforcements when she called my sister the other day to find out how to get some one committed?? I'm thinking she was thinking about ME!!!!! :)

My middle daughter called me this morning to let me know her and her live in boyfriend called it quits and he moved out.(the boyfriend that was diagnosed with schizophrenia over the Christmas holidays last year) This was what was best for the both of them. He had stopped taking his meds, was fired from his job and was treating her terribly. He's a great young man but not what any Mother would want for her 20 year old daughter to spend the rest of her life with. His parents took him home and had him re-evaluated again and the second Doctor did not agree with the diagnose of schizophrenia. He feels W exhibits more bipolar tendencies, so he started him on a new battery of meds. He went from being a very chatty, carefree young man to a very quiet and brooding young man. My daughter now realizes she lost him a long time ago and it was best for both of them to move on. I am at peace with her decision and so is she and that is always the sign of a right decision.

I have been shopping like crazy getting ready for Jamaica and I am at peace with the whole insane 1st wife, 2nd wife thing and I finally got to meet my future SIL's Father and he is a great guy! I spent sometime with the SIL's Mom and even though it was only the second time we saw each other, we both felt the need to hug (another good sign) I think me and her are going to hit it off just fine....she seems to have a hidden rowdy side to her that I am going to try and bring out in Jamaica. We already made dinner plans with my future SIL parents when we get back from Jamaica and things settle down a bit. My SIL's Dad is an "old wild child all grown up" kinda person like me so we hit it off really good too! Now if I can just get through not wanting to throttle the SIL's Sister in Jamaica (I'm sorry but she is a total bitch!) this will be a great escape from my STAY AT HOME MOM routine to my tropical island retreat! My daughter almost threw her future SIL out of the wedding shower Saturday.....that should tell you how much trouble this woman is!

Well, I have a million things to do and as usual blogging through this has helped me get passed it all so I am off to try and put some killer outfits together for my trip! My camera is acting up too and I will not go to Jamaica without a digital camera!!!! Grrrrrrrr!

Until next time...........

Crazy menopausal woman.......out!

Monday Morning Question.....

Sometimes I Think
Subject: Monday Morning Question
Author: fisherkristina
"
Monday Morning Question:

Describe a "sound" from your childhood.  What was it?  When did you hear it?  What does it bring to mind?

 

Trains! Because of this I love trains.......there was a train yard maybe less than a half m from the house I lived in from 4 years of age to 10. Back then we didn't have central air conditioning or even window units for that matter so in warm weather we slept with the windows wide open and all night long I would hear the trains clicking away on the tracks and the sound of the brakes as they came to a stop in the train yard. It has a unique sound.....almost like a high pitch of a tin whistle in a few different octaves. To this day I still love that sound......warm fuzzy feelings of being a carefree child playing hide and seek with all the neighborhood children as the Moms sat on the front stoops every night going over their days and it was safe to play well after the street lights came on.

The next house we owned had railroad tracks less than two blocks away, and even though trains never stopped there with their squeaky brakes I could hear the clackety clack of the trains rush by. That is also where I spent the majority of my TWEEN years, exploring viaducts, pulling apart Chinese puzzle sticks and cat tails and looking for tadpoles in the little creaks that ran through between the freight train tracks and the passenger train tracks. TOO many times we had very close calls with those trains while trying to beat them through the concrete tunnels or over passes.

It was our secret meeting places where we all smoked our cigarettes and wrote our names inside of hearts with who ever our crushes were at the time. Some times we were chased after by the private security guys or the homeless people who road the rails. I remember we once came across a rather large pot field and thought we would claim it as our own.....we did until the cops found it and burnt it to the ground. We weren't half afraid of the cops as we were if we ever were caught by the original pot field owner.

So its the sound of the trains brakes and train whistles and the clackety clack that will forever be tied to the sounds of my youth. Thanks Kristina for bringing it all back to me.........happy place for sure!

Me.....AL LA 1983?

I was probably around 20 years old in this photo.......the same age as my middle daughter is now (Amanda) seems like yesterday until I realize in that photo I was wearing a size 3 Levi's! I know I wasn't 21 yet because this photo was taken in a bar in Downtown Chicago called O'Sullivans and my girlfriends sisters R&B band used to have a gig there every weekend, and every weekend us almost 21 something year old's used to be able to get in, drink, dance and do it all over again the next night.

It was at this time that I honed my music tastes....I fell in love with the blues, it is still my favorite music and I can't help but 'move' to it when I listen to it now......"Sweet Home Chicago" they have a blues fest every year and every year I say I am going, but now that I am even farther away from the city and still feeling the 'burn out' from hanging out there in my youth, I have to admit I like the quiet suburban life. I have lived off and on in Chicago since I was 4 years old and I have still yet to go to the "Taste of Chicago." Downtown doesn't have the pull over me as much as it did say 25 years ago and Rush Street and Division (Chicago's night time hot spots) was were I spent my entire 21 year daring every bouncer I came across to go ahead and card me! No more fake ID's for me I was 21 and having the time of my life! What I wouldn't do just to have that kind of energy again.........sigh.....but then again I wasn't this content with my life as I am now....but to be able to dance the night away, night after night and to not have to pay for it the next day......ahhhhhhh youth and the endless energy that goes along with it.

I think the reason for all this melancholy is that Melissa is getting married and on the brink of starting her adult life.....she's 23, getting married, already a homeowner and talking about starting a family.......that is when time escapes you. The baby seems like a baby for so long and then at the speed of light, they are all grown up and living their own lives. Where did all that time go?

 I think I am 'stuck' in that in between stage.....the one where half the time you want them to be all grown up and ontheir own and the other half wishes they were still adorable little babies smelling like "No More Tears" and "Baby Magic" all over again. I know once I do become a (gulp) Grandmother I will get the best of both worlds......adult children and their babies to spoil rotten and then send them home!

I look at that picture above and remember that I didn't have a care in the world, I spent that time in my life flying back and forth from Chicago (were my family was) and New York (where I lived with my boyfriend at the time) and Daytona (where we spent 5 months of winter every year because we both hated snow) at that time I had no idea that my life was going to be any different than it was then. That boyfriend was not my forever love, my forever love was waiting for me when I came back ...along with the path that led me to my life that I am living now......I don't care what you call it...fate, destiny, God's plan............I am where I should be and I am blessed......but DAMN IT I wanna fit in those damn jeans again!!!!!! lol lol lol

I am so on my way!!!!!! Ü

Crashed and Burned.....good thing I bounce back quick huh?

Ok, I finally have crashed and burned. The stress of everything has caught up to me, Our oldest daughters wedding is less than two weeks away, the trip is booked, the limo to the airport is arranged, I dealt with the insane 1st wife (still more to come), I have scrubbed, polished and/or threw out the stuff in my house I have been meaning to do for the past year and the In-laws arrived late yesterday afternoon. With everything that has been going on my immune system took a beating and I ended up calling the Doctor. I love my Doctor, I have been with this practice for 14 years now, they know me and they know that I know myself and how my body works.

Stress will someday be my downfall.......my body turns on me when my stress level is high, I will usually have a few seizures brought on by powerful migraines, usually after a few bad seizures my short term memory gets shot, the joints in my body will become painful to the point that it hurts to walk let alone use my hands....I need to get calm and stay calm, I am hoping that calm will reach me after the ceremony on the beach, in Jamaica. The doctor gave me a prescription of xanax to get me through the upcoming events..........like being confined on an air plane in close proximity of the DH 1st wife. That one little pill will be what prevents me from getting up close and personal with her and the air marshal! lol lol lol

4.5 hour on the plane with her, then say another..7 hours for the wedding and the ceremony and everything will be right in my world once again......well up until the day after we get back and I have to load up the truck and take the last two remaining children living at home on a road trip south for the DH's annual family reunion....Ok so after a week at the In-laws and the road trip back, I will be able to relax....hmmmm I wonder if they Doctor will give me more xanax for that??? lol lol lol Couldn't hurt to ask right??? I think after all this vacation I am going to need to take a vacation on my own.....anybody got a spare room? Let's just say for maybe 2 weeks or so??? And can I bring my pooch?? lol lol lol

So it wasn't in one ear and out the other after all! lol

Just when you start to question your parenting skills, something happens and let's you know everything is going to be just fine! My son Jimmy (14 yrs old) found the new neighbors IPOD laying out in the grass, and even though a thunderstorm is rolling in, he ran to the neighbors house to see if it was indeed their IPOD and returned it. I'm wondering how many teenage boys would be honest enough to return an "expensive must have" back to its rightful owner.

The new neighbor's 17 year old son was thankful to have his tunes back and for Jimmy's honesty. The neighbor boy gave him $10.00 for returning the IPOD. Two teenage boys, doing the right thing on their own accord........I know two Mother's who are patting themselves on their own backs about now! ;)