Where my head is at today...4/6/07

My emotions are still all over the place, one minute I am fine and strong and think this is just another bump in my road and then the next minute I cannot ignore the voice in my head that says this is bad, very bad. For Cancer to come back so soon means that they never got it all in the first place. So maybe I wasn't a Stage IIB Breast Cancer patient after all.........obviously it has spread making me a Stage IIII. We really won't know exactly what type of cancer is now in my right lung until they do the needle biopsy. I am having the PET Scan done at noon today.....weird instructions and restrictions with that.....like only protein the night before and 6 hours before the test today, no physical activity 24 hours including vigorous walking.

I went with a friend to her Pulmonary (lung) Specialist yesterday, one reason to take notes for her, so she could remember all that was said and ordered and two, I wanted to ask a few questions of my own.....like now that it has spread to my lungs am I going to need a Lung M.D. myself? First he asked who my team of Doctors were, when I told them he said I was in excellent hands.....been hearing that from every person in the medical field I have spoke to since my cancer journey has began....reassurance is always good! He asked me if they knew what kind of cancer it was in my lungs yet and I told him that I have not had the needle biopsy a of yet. He said that if indeed it is the BC that has spread the lung which is a very common occurrence then it will be treated differently than if it is your regular run of the mill, so to speak lung cancer. The one good thing I have going for me besides all this love around me is that my Cancer is estrogen related....easiest type of cancer to treat....doesn't explain why it still made it through all that chemo though does it?

I finally had somewhat of a good cry late yesterday afternoon...there are only 2 people in my world that I can let my guard down long enough to do this and Jim is one of them of course and my Mother being the other. I really hate to break down in front of my Mother, I know the "Mother's pain" when my own children cry...your heart breaks right along with theirs and there isn't a damn thing you can do to ease their pain. The timing wasn't perfect either, I was driving back home from dinner with my stoic soon to be 16 year old daughter who thinks she is stronger emotionally than her other family members...I remember thinking that same damn thing when I was her age and I lost my Father. I self destructed for the next 5 years after he died...she too will shatter into a million pieces when she finally falls apart from it...I didn't let it out emotionally until I was well into my 30's....talk about suppression huh?

When people are ill and I mean could be at deaths door sooner than they ever thought, they need to talk about that...my first time around I only toyed with the idea of dying....now it could very well be a imminent possibility.....those who love me, can't get past the thought of it, but PLEASE let the person who is ill..speak their mind, speak their wishes no matter how difficult it is to listen to........at this time we don't want reassurances that things will be ok.....things are NOT ok at the moment..we just want to know we are being heard and our wishes will be granted....just a lil insight when you have to deal with possibly losing someone.

I found a great quote in another blog I stumbled on yesterday, it was written by Sandra Day O'Connor

"We don't accomplish anything in this world alone ... and whatever happens is the result of the whole tapestry of one's life and all the weavings of individual threads from one to another that creates something."

Just know that you all have been a 'thread' in my life and what a beautiful tapestry you helped weave! I'm not giving up....I'm just taking a lil longer to bounce back this time!

Good Times!

You have no idea how much I adore this man! We have been friends, bestest of friends since we were 10 years old! This is a man who knows everything there is to know about me and then some ;) He knows almost about me as much as Jim does, I don't hide anything...I have always been an open book.

I remember once when Oprah was looking for unusual friendships, on a whim I called and spoke to one of the Producers and began telling her the story of Kim and Jeff's excellent adventures....they wanted to book us for the show...I had to decline...for us to tell the world about our adventures as best friends was not the problem... for our Mothers to find out all the crazy things we did (and survived) would surely be the death of both of us! lol Even in our 40's we don't want the wrath only a Mother can bring down on a mischievous child who grew to be a mischievous adult! lol lol lol

He moved to L.A. back in the early 90's I missed him terribly! There is still a group of us since grade school who still keep in touch all these years. Back in the Spring of 2000, I went and spent 10 days with him in L.A. It was the first time that I was away from Jim and the kids, I thought my heart would break but as soon as I landed in L.A. I knew I would hate to return home...it was fantastic!

I went to a private Hollywood Party at the Beverly Hills Hotel, I went and played on the beaches of Malibu, I went up into the Hollywood hills as close to the 'Hollywood' sign as I possibly could get....I danced in the street one a warm California night when we weren't ready for the night to end even though it was 4 O'clock in the morning...definitely good times! Happy memory for me for sure!

I remember the day of the private party, my Jeff took me to a salon owned by the cattiest, cutest gay men...I can't remember their names but boy the look over I got was scorching! lol They whispered to each other back and forth then both walked up to me and said...... "Emergency Head to Toe makeover!" They said the first thing we are going to do is get rid of that "Texas Beauty Queen Hair!" lol lol lol I have to admit it was BIG! So feeling very much Like Dorthy in the Wizard of Oz scene when they make her over to see the Wizard I let them have their way with me as to speak! lol And below was the finished product! I didn't realize what a good job they did at cleaning me up...I thought I hated the hair...but now looking back...I looked freaking fantastic! lmaooooo They did my hair, my make up and my clothes for the night...I was no longer a Chicago girl I was a California girl! Wooooo hooooo!

This also was the trip that me and a bunch of gay men took a road trip from L.A. to Vegas....you ain't had fun till you experience that, let me tell you! lmaooooo Yes, my friends my DH is a SAINT! ....but that trip is another story for another day....for sure! lol

Talk about closing a door then opening a window...life is amazing isn't it??

First of all my pity party for one had been canceled......NEXT!

I have to admit, I have been kinda free falling since my surgeon called to let me know that cancer has been found in my lung now....I am fine one minute, then scared the next, I have to many things I need to say that my loved ones aren't ready to hear. I know I would have a hard time hearing these things but they still need to leave my head via my mouth...it will give me some of my power back.

I had those words with my Darling Jim at 4:00 o'clock this morning...I figured the darkness would hide what he has been hiding from me for a few days now....his fear, his pain in possibly losing me...he can't even talk about this, he's too afraid he will break down in front of me and you know all that manly stuff.....just not allowed! I couldn't bare to witness his heartbreak anyway.....so we both were hiding something in the dark of night.

Well, I just ran across a new blogger, dealing with the same illness I am and she IS just what I needed....she is strong (like me) slightly not right in the head (like me! lol) and uses her humor to warrior through this pain in the ass cancer that is all wrapped up with a pink ribbon.

You see when even the toughest begin to struggle, something or someone is placed right in the middle of their "here and now" and a life rope is handed to them ( I hope that I have done this for others as well)....a new can of whooooop Ass! Please stop over at her blog and take a read and introduce yourself.... The Uniboob Club Even the name of her blog sends me flying into the chits and giggles!

Oh Cancer?? I am ready for round 2 now! Oh, and by the way.........."Momma said, knock you out!"  lol lol lol

Just words trying to find meaning.....

Cancer you are the tears
that just rest on the edge of my eyes
My stubbornness refuses
to let them fall .... but
you are the reason I do lose
it, when I speak of my children
you are so cruel to those that love me.
You are the reason
my Husband has no words
and I hate you for that,
how dare you try to take me from him!
You are the breaker of
all  hearts who love me
You are the thief
vying for my life
You are the one
who steals hopes and dreams
You are the one
I am mad as hell at!
I am slowly gathering my
strength once again
this is to be my fate.
Even though you are still here
you will not beat me!
I may get ill, I may be defeated
and I may die, but hear this...
You will never steal me
from the hearts of those who love me
not even you have that kind of power.

kmh 2007

Where my head is at today 4/3/07

1:40 p.m. Yesterday I awoke from an afternoon nap......something I haven't done since chemo (napping that is, not the waking part! lol) My cell phone is ringing, it's my Surgeon who calls me with the news I already knew but wanted to be told my intuition was wrong this time. When I heard the pap test was abnormal I panicked for about a minute then this little voice in the back of my head told me Kim, it's going to be alright....then we find the new lump in the right boob...momentarily panic or maybe I was just annoyed that this cancer shit wasn't ending but still I heard that little voice telling me don't worry...all is well.

When I was told the breast MRI showed a suspicious lesion on my lung......I waited for that little voice....it never spoke to me again. Having that dream over the weekend about going through my things and giving things away because I was dying was that little voice telling me my fate.

Do I think I am dying? Not just yet.....do I think even though I won round 1 and now have to do round 2 that I am dying....little voice tells me no.....but that little voice tells me that is what will claim me when my time here on earth is through....either way it's a win/win situation for me......I fight this battle and win, I get to spend more time with loved ones......I fight this battle and loose and I get to spend some time with my loved ones who have already passed over to the other side......the ones that won't win are the ones I'll leave behind....we who are left behind hurt and grieve and feel the loss the most....I know this to be true because of those I have already lost.

For Jim's sake I pray not now, not this time...life will be to painful for him, my children will suffer the most......loosing your parent when you are a child really messes you up and sometimes it takes years to see just how messed up you are/were.

Last night my GF called me who only at 39 is on an oxygen tank due to pulmonary fibrosis and our other GF who twitches up a storm because her nerves are shot since her Father died of lung cancer a few years ago decided in the wake of my bad news........happy hour was definitely needed......so there we were, one bald chick, one oxygenated chick and a twitching chick got a lil sloshed......I needed it, they needed it and today is a new day.

 

Me, Mar and Chelle

So I'm still working through some issues now but I wanted to thank all of you for once again carrying me when I am to weary to carry myself.....I don't know just how I feel right now but I'm working on that.

Just got the note that I had inadvertently put in march 3, 07.....Freudian slip? Happier time? probably a lil bit of both. Any way I changed it.

Well, I was feeling yellow.....

Now I'm just feeling...........numb.

It's back, I have a malignant tumor about 3 quarters of an inch in diameters...right lung, on the back just below my shoulder blade about 2 inches off my spine.

3 months to the day of my last chemo.....tests have been ordered for a few blood tests, a full PET scan (about time) and I will have a C/T guided needle biopsy just to see exactly what I am dealing with. I am still waiting for the times and dates, they are in the works....so much for my new hair huh?? good thing I kept goldylocks and my Liza Minelli style eye lashes huh? I'm crying, laughing and pissed off all over again.

Round and round she goes, where she stops....nobody knows.

"Yellow"

I came along,
I wrote a song for you,
And all the things you do,
And it was called "Yellow."

 

Just of few lines from Coldplay's song called "Yellow" I love the song and the color yellow! I believe the color yellow symbolizes my "life force"