I Shaved My Legs For This

Happy Birthday Melissa!

2007-11-19T10:00:00.000-08:00

I have chemo again tomorrow, (3 weeks on 1 week off) I have a feeling they will be changing the chemo again, I'm starting to get those little blue bruises again, like when was running low of potassium. Being tired is the weirdest feeling in the world! I can sleep 24 hours straight and still feel like I just missed the missed the bed! lol When I first found out I had breast cancer, I thought ok, I'll have it for a little while then when I am done, I done with it. You're aren't even sure how you feel about the cancer, they told me I would have 8 weeks of chemotherapy and 2 years of physical hormone replacement, I STILL don't know what exactly went wrong where but something sure didn't work out in my best interest......there are days I loaf of bread confuses me! lol

We all have our childhood issues and with my Brother he was always told he was never going amount to anything, he was no good..so My Father told him like his Father before him...My Brother's intelligence would be questioned,my Sisters's weight would always get asked even though she really wasn't overweight and you could never get away with calling me stupid! Well........I get pretty stupid now, Like a said a loaf of bread confuses me and I wish to God it was a joke! Who knew Chemo was so life altering huh?? lol

One of my buddies is in the mattress business and I am so impatient instead of waiting a few extra days I ran out and bought one by myself......instead of waiting for Jim....a queen didn't even fit in the back of suburban...I called my Brother and he saved me...(pick-up truck)....sorry BOB! Thought it was going to be a quick hop, skip and a jump and I'm in my new bed! lol Now I'm looking for a small student desk for Lil Jimmy's old room..... I have my lap top now and I am slowly getting used to it........just to keep all my paperwork on.

I never was a great house cleaner but I do want to at least look like I am putting the house in some kind of order.....don't worry I'm not going anywhere,,,,, Bob owes me lunch...they just refinished remodeling the restaurant so don't worry Bob there is still a chance you'll get to buy me lunch! lol lol lol

So what did I learn this weekend? Queen beds don't fit in suburban's, you can still call your brother to move a mattress, Bob still wants Mongolian BBQ and a lap top is not any faster than a PC!

To my friends and family that are giving me my space right now I really appreciate it, I'm not sure where my body is going with this cancer thing but it's definitely working it's way through the rest of me, I don't know how much chemo I am going to end up having, I never know how much illness I am going to have with it either, I just know it sure sucks right now to be me!

No chemo Tuesday...just TMT

2007-11-06T21:15:00.000-08:00

Today was no chemo Tuesday, just had some blood work ( tumor marker test) so they will have the results for my appointment next Tuesday.... this is when the new chemo I'm trying usually stops working for me, the visible tumor on the outside of my left breast is no longer flat against my skin and is a very angry red in color......I don't think that's a very good sign....I think Dr. Serious will probably order another new thoracic cat scan and I need to do my six month follow up pelvic exam too. Life sure is different for me than in was 16 months ago. Sometimes I feel like a life size voodoo doll! lol lol lol

My Son Lil Jimmy's hamster passed away 3 days ago and it devastated him, I think he was finally able to put that kind of painful loss to what my cancer can do now....he begged me don't ever give up Mom...........I love you and I will really miss you! That was kinda sweet to be missed more than a deceased, beloved hamster. Like I have said before death is only painful for those that are left behind. I don't think I could bare losing Jim or survive the broken heart of losing ones child. It was breaking my heart to see him so broken hearted so we now have a new hamptster named "Carson" Lil Jimmys smile is back on his face and that puts the smile back on this Momma's face!

Life and death.... a cycle that is as old as time and still just as painful. I am at peace with whatever life or death has in store for me.....it's knowing the heartbreak my loved ones will go through is what brings tears to roll down my face instantly. That is when all this seems so unfair.....I'm the one that gets cancer and they are the ones who get punished for it.

Do I believe that we all meet up again somewhere? Yes I do whether its called heaven, another realm, hell for some or maybe just somewhere over the rainbow, but I believe that when two hearts love each other so much, they are destined to find one another again and that's also the reason I believe in love at first sight.....those two hearts were together already before....I'm not a very religious person, but I know the power of true, ever lasting love..otherwise how do we survive our children's teenage years without killing them! lol lol lol

Judith Heartsong artsy essay

2007-10-30T09:48:00.000-07:00

kmh 2007

A perfect day for me is to actually forget that I am not well, it is to feel the warmth of the sun on my face as it sets for the day. I sit patiently in one of the colorful Adirondack chairs, today I chose the bright yellow one to perch myself in. Book still in hand open but no words have been read, I sit along the shore line waiting my Fisherman Husband to return to me after spending the day on the water teaching his son what his Father has taught him...the art of fishing.....they Fished for Walleyes, Northern Pikes and Large mouth bass.

It is their routine to go before dawn, grab a quick breakfast in hand and not return to the cabin until the sun starts to set. The sky so golden with the low mist rolling in from the lake....My Son spy's me waiting for him at the shoreline and is eagerly awaiting to show me what the lake has given him this day, he starts to wave his lantern from the boat to let me know of his arrival....it is now dusk, the most mystical time of the day. I raise my camera and take one last picture for the day and it's magical! All is right in my world for a moment....I hear the loons calling to one another off in the distance...the bull frogs searching for new mates even if it's just for the night. I am blessed that I can spend a few more tomorrows waiting for the eagles to fly high over my head, the boy to grow into a fine young man and if I'm lucky.... a cure for Breast Cancer.

Come join the other participants at Judith Heartsong

Judith Heartsong Essay Contest

little black boots

2007-10-29T16:45:00.000-07:00

lil jimmy 2007

Once I get my energy and my balance back........... look out world! I miss dancing........ me and a few of my best girlfriends have been known to do a lil pole dancing from time to time. I also found a cute lil pair of shorter black boots in the kids section that were cut chunky, kinda like little biker boots in a size 4.5 Wide and they fit so I bought them too! Just tooooo cute with my cammo capris! Those jeans I have on on the picture are the size 6 skinny jeans from Old Navy......I either gain 5 lbs or try on size 4 the 6's are already baggy. Somewhere along the way I lost my booty, and I had lots of junk in my trunk.....I want some of my curves back.............. I am a woman after all!!! lol lol lol

Jim knows I've had a couple of good weeks, I'm out having dinner with him more often and I'm shopping again! lol lol lol

Life is good and I am blessed.....now I'm gonna need a few new winter coats! lol Thank you for this day, it's just what the Doctor ordered!

Tags: Even after Breast cancer, man I feel like a woman! lol

Hairspray? Check! Spackle? Check! Fun? Check! lol

2007-10-28T17:10:00.000-07:00

I clean up good when I have too! lol! Amazing what a goldilocks wig and a half tub of spackle can do for a woman going through Cancer and chemo! lol lol lol

I promise next time to get a picture of the new boots....oops and they aren't thigh high they only go up to just below my knee, but hey! When your only 5 foot most everything goes up to your thigh lmaoooo!

My Birthday Boy Brother and his Wife Laurie

2007-10-27T13:33:00.000-07:00

Diva for a day! lol

2007-10-27T13:31:00.000-07:00

Wooo Hooooo! A whole week of no falling down and going BOOM! I guess I will be on the low dose steroids for awhile, and that is ok, because it gave me back my appetite, my body and what's left of my mind, and I'm much stronger for it! Since my hair is growing back ever so slowly. I bought a sleeker goldilocks. Yesterday was My Brother Michael's 49th birthday, so about 12 of us went out to a wonderful cajun restaurant and did it feel good, to put on make up, I bought some skinny jeans! not since high school have I put on skinny jeans...... levi 501straight leg!

Bought the skinny jeans from Old Navy..... size 6 junior!!!!! So what if I don't have any hair! I'm wearing junior size clothes! LMAOOOOO. I had a on my NEW thigh high black suede boots.. (bought Friday afternoon!) lol...normally I run around town the bald headed circus freak with one head light showing and what appears to be a small crop circle in the back center portion of my skull, and big hoop earrings of course! lol

My Brother Mike, My Sister Kelly, My Momma and Me! lol

Me & my Guy

My sis & BIL (Steve)

It's fun Tuesday ..aka Chemo Day!

2007-10-23T10:44:00.000-07:00

I'm off for my chemo, I'll update this entry when I get back...so far, knock on wood, that steriod they gave me to take every morning while on this chemo made for a pleasant but sleepy week....talk to you soon! Small blessings indeed!

UPDATE: All my blood work (cbc's)came back great, I have the numbers of a person not sick with cancer! Lets just put all our good thoughts into another week of feeling good even if I'm just a lil sleepy and I will try to stop waking up on the floors around my town! lol

Thank you all for your warm wishes, your prayers, your karmas, your words of wisdom, your angels sent to watch over me. Once again you have carried me! I love and adore you all for that!

Just possibly the best damn song ever written :)

2007-10-22T09:35:00.000-07:00

I had my Mastectomy August 16, 2006.....3 days later while still in the oncology unit my heart went into A-FIB. I was rushed to the Heart Hospital (same campus) and by the 5 day I was feeling pretty sorry for myself. I was sitting in my bed with my door closed watching my husband Jim try to catch up on some much needed sleep ( he never left my side) I was thinking about how much of this having cancer is going to change everything and everybody.......tears started welling up in my eyes......it was a quiet cry, I didn't want to wake my Jim and I didn't want him to see me defeated by all this.

My room was in one of the corners and even with my door closed I heard what was a violin and an acoustic guitar in the hallway and they were playing "What A Wonderful World" I never did get to see who was playing but suddenly my outlook changed it still was a wonderful world and I was going to remind myself of that everyday. I never had the chance to tell whoever was playing that they made a difference in my life.

Image one sunny winter afternoon while up in the chemo room while I was sitting in front of the floor to ceiling windows a 50-ish couple comes in with violin and guitar in hand and starts playing old, wonderful standards for the cancer patients. I wait for them to finish their set and then I tell them how much they changed my life that day. How that day I was thinking my life was over, that I would never be happy again....I told them about "What a Wonderful World" did for my outlook on my new life.....they thanked me for thanking them and proceeded to play it for me again....of course I cried like a baby....They day of my Chemo graduation they were there again and played it for me as my gift......it just reinforces life.......my life force.

Even though cancer isn't so wonderful..... life and the world still are, so when I need to be reminded of that again somehow that couple is sent into my life to bring back the wonderment of it all over again!

Life is good and I am blessed!

"What a Wonderful World"
I see trees of green, red roses too
I see them bloom for me and you
And I think to myself what a wonderful world.

I see skies of blue and clouds of white
The bright blessed day, the dark sacred night
And I think to myself what a wonderful world.

The colors of the rainbow so pretty in the sky
Are also on the faces of people going by
I see friends shaking hands saying how do you do
They're really saying I love you.

I hear babies cry, I watch them grow
They'll learn much more than I'll never know
And I think to myself what a wonderful world
Yes I think to myself what a wonderful world.

Out of the mouths of babes......

2007-10-21T08:04:00.000-07:00

This was left in my comment section....I am so impressed with these two young bff's!

Ok, How cute is this Cathy F (11years old) and her BFF Hayley......

While at camp Hayley told Cathy something for people who survived cancer. It is "Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon!" Even though Cathy F has never met anyone with cancer it inspired her....She told me to now take this and BELIEVE!

From the 11 year Catherine F

melancholy baby.....day 472

2007-10-20T10:17:00.000-07:00

My Mom says she misses my smile, my laughter.....I didn't even realize that I had lost it. I know my mind is still very active it's just that my mouth isn't as much anymore. I used to be talker.....hopefully not to the point that I annoyed anyone and people always seemed drawn to me, but now I think I keep all conversations locked in my head. I'm not sure if it's the Cancer and the Chemo that keeps me quiet with being to tired and sick most of the time or if it's the tons of pain medicine they have me on make me too stoned to share what's on my mind........quiet is not my norm. It could of been the whole brain radiation too, they said that WBR can alter ones personality. Maybe it's because after 44 years of talking non stop people finally feel the void...I hear the whispers "she's so quiet now! I'm not used to her being so quiet!" It's been a while since chemo took my voice but it did this time I can either yell really loud or talk in a broken whisper.........my side effects are always so goofy! lol

The steroid is helping with my appetite....I find myself having to have a lil something in my stomach every couple of hours or I get the dry heaves now. With food comes nutrition, with nutrition comes strength. I had to stop my physical therapy while doing chemo, I was too weak for both, chemo first then hopefully at some point when I get to remission or a milder chemo and can do both.

I hate the fact that my blog seems to be taken over by my breast cancer, but cancer and it's treatment has taken over my life so there doesn't seem to be anything else to blog about, I get grounded from leaving the house by myself, I can't run off for hours with my camera anymore, one reason I have seemed to misplace it (oops!) some times when my weakness and my balance is real bad I'm banished to my room until someone gets home.....I'm feeling a lot older than my age.

I am craving my old life, my healthy life........I guess everyone that goes through a life changing event does..........today is 472 days since my diagnosis........seems like forever then again seems like only yesterday...... I miss hanging out with all our friends, but with my immune system being compromised I have to avoid large groups and public places.....my Son already passed along his "PINK EYE" to me, but being breastcancer awareness month "PINK EYE" seems appropriate! lol

For those of you who have put off their yearly mammogram ......it's time to do it....they say if caught early enough the success of a cure looks good.......I caught mine early enough but it didn't do me any good....too aggressive....so a day can really make a difference, don't waste your tomorrows thinking it can't happen to you, because it can and it does....I'm living/dying proof of that.......no longer curable only treatable......what does that mean? That means until they either find a cure I am going to be dealing with cancer the rest of my life.....even if I'm one of the lucky ones that finds my way to remission the threat of it coming back will always be there.

Bubble Wrap Anyone?

2007-10-19T12:34:00.000-07:00

Since I had my chemo on Tuesday and I usually don't feel any sick side effects till the upcoming weekend I thought I had a few days of "normal" allotted to me..........WRONG! Wednesday I was a good girl, stayed in the house, off the stairs ate what little I could but drank all the water I was supposed to. So Thursday I finally go to buy a refurbished lap top (DELL) and go to pick it up, The sales man gave me $20 bucks off the lap top, a free mouse, and all the cables I needed......I'm thinking this is going to be a good day..........right??

Feeling so good, I'll stop off at the grocery store.....now mind you I only buy maybe 15 items and while I'm standing there waiting for the girl to finish putting my bags in the cart, I get overly warm and next thing I know I passed out on the grocery store floor....I feel as if I'm in a very restful sleep, but there is some man talking to me....my eyes won't open.....finally I open my eyes to see what the fuss is all about and it's all about me! The back of goldylocks is flipped up over my head, I am still flushed in the face and my rescuers don't know if they should leave me down on the ground or sit me up and pour cold water down my throat. I didn't want an ambulance called, I didn't want a family member called......I just wanted to sit out in the cool breeze for a few minutes...so they all followed me out to my truck, put my groceries in the back of it and all said they would follow me so I made it home safely. I had enough attention for one day and promised that I would drive extra slowly to my house less than 2 miles away.

I make it home, leave the groceries in my truck (nothing was perishable) and climb into my bed, M Sis-in-law calls I groggily tell her I passed out at the jewel but that I'm home, she doesn't hear the "home"part. I tell her I need to rest and hang up......she calls my Mother and gets her all upset, Laurie is getting dressed and plans on hitting all the Jewel Stores in my neighborhood since she doesn't know which one I shop at.....My Mom tells her to wait and calls my cell phone, I answer the phone from my bed and tell her that I'm fine and that all I need is rest......she clicks over to tell Laurie I'm home and fine. "Search for Kim called off" lol lol lol.... My poor Sis -in-law was so freaked out!

I guess I don't care where I put my head to rest.....now all the other times I have just fallen over, this time I justpassed out......what a weird feeling. I've fallen at a funeral, I've fallen at the hospital, I have fallen out of the tub, into my bedroom wall and so on.......bubble wrap I tell ya! BUBBLE WRAP!

Time to happy dance again! lol

2007-10-16T15:08:00.000-07:00

I knew it! I knew the chemo drug (Navelbine),the chemo drug that my body can't tolerate..... is driving down the tumor marker test numbers (another huge decrease). Dr. Serious doesn't seem to think its the Navelbine that has made me so sick. , no matter how much I tried convincing him it is. First dose (full dose) became familiar with my toilet, second dose (Half dose,didn't SEE the toilet) third dose (full) made plenty of visits to the toilet....so today I go in plead my case but because of the tumor markers going down significantly in the last month and the tumors I once felt in my left leg are gone and Jim can't find any signs of the ones down the sides of my spine, I was given another full dose!

He thinks it's the lack of steroids in my body that are making me sick, so once again I am being put back on steroids...a milder one this time Prednisone, at a low dose so I don't get the weird side effects I had on the other steroid(Dexamethasone) in previous treatments. They should also help with my appetite and my nausea ..... lost 8 pounds being ill since last dose. I am now wearing a size 7 in the junior section thanks to my "Extreme Cancer Make Over." All I have to say is I better get to enjoy this body of my youth for quite awhile after I'm put in remission! lol lol lol

Well, I just wanted to let you know how my visit with Dr. Serious went and if you don't see me around much in the next week or so, I'll be face to face with the tidy bowl man! lol 2 more rounds of this chemo, then another tumor marker test, if they are still declining then no other testing (scans and such) until 2 more rounds....Lets hope it continues to work for me and not stop working in another month like the others have.

GO ME!!!!

what the..........?

2007-10-16T04:51:00.000-07:00

Very strange, I added an entry late yesterday afternoon, about my hair finally starting to come back, I clicked save, I re read it after I saved it and I took my later afternoon nap. When I woke up from my nap. my nextel (when trying to log on to the net and AOL told me 404 not found, so now I can't access AOL from my phone anymore and when I logged onto my blog just now that whole post is missing....this happen to anyone else???

XOXO

KIM

AOL...............love/hate relationship! lol

Good thing is first I compose it in my file, under "new" on the top of tool bar, that way if my computer locks up or aol boots me it's still sitting on my desk top, then I mail a copy of it to myself so I can re enter if it gets eaten by aol ...thank god this one wasn't a soul searing entry it was meant to share my good mood and my feeling good for a change so here is what aol ate for a midnight snack last night.

(Yesterdays entry)

Today I don't feel sick, today I don't feel weak.....but tomorrow is Chemo Tuesday and I will feel good for a few more days then it will start all over again.....oh how I love those "Feel Good" days!

My hair has finally broke through my scalp, it looks so dark again, I wonder if I'm gonna have that schnauzer look again. If I do, it's gonna be me and a bottle of Nutrisse hair color as soon as it's long enough to dye! The weird part of it's re growth is that I have a streak from the front of my head to the back of my head right down the center that shows no sign of re growth...what I was thinking was, then just dye the sides black leave the all natural white scalp untouched and instead of looking like a schnauzer I can look like PePe LaPew! Whatcha think?? lmaoooo

Today is good day and I am blessed!

Short and sweet

2007-10-15T12:27:00.000-07:00

where my head is at today 10-14-07

2007-10-14T11:47:00.000-07:00

When I was a kid and I got sick my Mom would take me to see the family Doctor who would always tell me to stick out my tongue and say "ahhhh" check for swollen glands in my neck, take my temperature and then send me home with a lollipop and a prescription for an antibiotic......all better 10 days later!

So this being sick and not being able to just "get better" in 10 days is hard for me to cope with, Why can't I just take a pill twice a day for 10 days and be all better now? I thought my childhood Doctor could cure me of everything.......the scared little girl, that still lives hidden deep inside of me wishes Dr. Pelic was still alive, still believes he could of made me all better.

Fast forward 40 something years and I can't seem to catch a break with any of the meds I have been on......1st round 8 weeks of AC & T
ACT Chemotherapy - Adriamcin Cytoxan Taxol Now I just read an article that Taxol does Nothing for ER/PR positive Breast Cancer......great! Then my 2nd round of new chemo was Xeloda... XELODA: The first FDA-approved oral chemotherapy for metastatic Breast and Colorectal Cancer Easy to take pill form, taken at home but the longer I was on it the sicker and more weak I became where I lost all my strength due to the fact I was either too sick to eat or sleeping my life away. Then we tried another chemo cocktail of Gemzar and Carboplatin Gemzar.com for Patients and Caregivers – Information About Treatment withGEMZAR for Non-Small Cell Lung Cancer, Pancreatic C.. and CARBOPLATIN - INJECTION (Paraplatin) side effects, medical uses, and drug interactions. again I did nothing but sleep, couldn't eat if I wanted too, and even though my tumor markers went down the tumors in my liver and in my lung grew so on to my 4th chemo drug Navelbine Navelbine and Navelbine Side Effects - Chemotherapy Drugs And this one is the worse yet, I'm still getting sick to my stomach almost 2 weeks after my treatment, not eating will soon make me weak again and unable to get around on my own.

I see Dr. Serious on Tuesday.We already tried the full dose (puke) we tried the half dose (much milder but is it still effective?) I'm going to see about a 2/3rd dose or trying something completely different, I can't spend my life looking into the bottom of my toilet bowl! I can't even keep down the Zofran (anti sickness medicine ) most times.

How much my world has changed. If I didn't take this cancer one day at a time I think I would of given up a long time ago. I'm tired but most of all I am sick of being sick. Now lets break it down......I find my lump early enough stage 2B breast cancer, I have the breast removed, I have a tram flap reconstruction, I do my 8 weeks of AC & T, I start my hormone therapy of tomaxifen, I get the all clear even without any further testing and 3 months later I'm told I now have cancer in my lungs,my liver, my brain and my spine....now it's called stage IV breast cancer..no longer curable only treatable and I will be a cancer patient the rest of my life.....after reading all the above kinda makesya wonder if you want to be a cancer patient the rest of your life. Chronically ill people are a tough breed, we dig deep inside for what is worth fighting for and we fight for it and only sometimes do we let our mind wander to the otherside.

Tomorrow's a new day! I'll be around to see it!

Just what is a Tumor Marker Test?

2007-10-12T08:59:00.000-07:00

Most of the time when I am sitting in Dr. Serious Office, I'm a very good patient..... I listen, I take notes in my Cancer Journal and I ask tons of questions. The only thing I never asked him about was....just what is a tumor marker test and what does it reveal........I just thought it would be too involved for my chemo, radiationed and narcotic damaged brain to comprehend.......So I never asked.

Well, last week a couple of my old, working brain cells must have reunited and hooked up because I finally ask a chemo angel of mine about the test. So here is what I learned......

First of all, the markers appear in non cancerous conditions & everyone has some + number, because they show a protein (in most cases) that everyone's cells normally make, but CA tumors make a lot more of it. These markers go up/down to a certain degree in every person...even certain drugs & short term illnesses can affect them, as well as other serious diseases that again, are not cancerous.

They should not be used as the only tool (& I know your doctors do other testing as well) & on some people, they are not a good indicator. BUT in general, if the protein production in the testing is high over time & climbing, there is a larger tumor burden & growning cancer.

People vary, things should be based on what your individual markers have been (reference range is affected by age & other factors)~ I say individual because I've known people, years out from successful cancer treatment, with no evidence of disease from any other testing BUT they have high markers, or at least higher than some... for them this can be normal. On the flip side, some may have low markers, & rejoice only to find out they have growing cancer from other tests.....

It is more based on how your individual markers have gone. If they were high, treatment lowered them & then they started creeping up again, & the diagnostic tests have showings then that denotes recurrent disease. Some have continuous rise right thru chemo & those people SHOULD GET ANOTHER OPINION & see what other options are available, sooner rather than later.

Basically what it 'tests' & measures is cells most of the time normally made by everyone's body, but much moreproductive with cancer & higher tumor burdens....so way higher in someone with active or recurrent cancer.

I want to thank my Chemo Angel for helping me with this, others have asked me in the past but I was unable to explain it to them.

This new chemo I am on Navelbine is horrid, I am having the worst time since I was diagnosed, hence so little new entries or visits to others journals.....My bedroom is 2 floors up and I basically have been to sick and weak to make the trip 2 floors down to where the family room is with our computer. I had to go to the cancer hospital Tuesday for fluids and blood tests...I've been very sick. I can get partial blog alerts on my cell phone, but I am not a great text messenger by any means........I think you have to be under 25 to be good at it! lol

Well, I wanted to share what I learned and let you all know I'm still alive and kicking.......no new boots yet though, maybe next month.

Tags: tumor marker test

chemo, contract talks and boot shopping! lol

2007-10-06T08:05:00.000-07:00

I've been a bad, bad blogger! I haven't updated in 10 days! Well, when I showed up for my chemo last Tuesday I was running a slight fever but all my cbc's were good so I told Dr. Serious I still wanted the chemo treatment even with the fever, I was happy about the "Half dose" the week before because I hardly had any side effects so I was looking forward to the second half of the dose this past Tuesday. But it did make me wonder if I was screwing myself by not taking the full dose. If I have to have chemo for any chance to survive then I want to make sure I'm benefiting from it. Well, Dr. Serious saw it the same way so I had a full dose of the Navelbine.

So that is 2 full doses and a half dose...wont know if it's doing what it's supposed to until next batch of cat scans and tumor marker tests are taken. Physical Therapy is really helping my legs and my balance, I've gone grocery shopping by myself, I've run errands and last night we had dinner at our friends Jay and Annette's house. Felt good to sit out on the back deck after dinner and let the warm wind blow thru all 7 of my hairs! New chemo doesn't make your hair fall our...it only thins it out...that means I should be down to 3 by the time they switch THIS chemo! lmaooooo

This week is my "Off chemo" week and I also don't have any P/T scheduled. I need this week....I want to nothing but I also want to boot shop....sorry just an addiction of mine....I tossed out all but 3 pairs of boots while "nesting" due to them being 4 years old and Chicago winters with it's salt really trashed them, so I tell myself and Jim! lol

I do tire easy so I try not to go to far from home, and it has been incredibly hot here in Chicago....October? High 80's? I don't like to be hot anyway so this killing me....I'm more of a mid 70's girl with a warm balmy breeze! lol

With the GM contract signed, there are going to be big changes in the health benefits area...should be interesting seeing the difference in the two policies....I think Jim said they are no longer offering the BLUE CROSS/BLUE SHEILD HMO...... it served us well when our family was young ( 4 kids get sick a lot and like to recycle the same germs! lol) and at the Doctors office every week...no office visit co-pay, no prescription co-pay, no out of pocket expenses.........Jim has informed me I am now HIGH MAINTENANCE! LOL.......

Oh well, I have a boot sale to get too sometime thisweekend! lol lol lol

AOL is no longer offering GM employees discounted AOL....if I now change Internet providers will I lose access to my AOL BLOGS? I'm not sure I'm ready to give up my blog...it's been my therapist, my security blanket, my pacifier, my link to some really wonderful, caring people.

2007-09-28T11:59:00.000-07:00

Had my new chemo last Tuesday (Navelbine) Not liking it all... I ended up sleeping the weekend away except for a brief outing to my oldest daughters house for Dinner on Saturday where I proceeded to throw up my dinner, The last 3 chemo's I was on did not make me sick so I wasn't prepared for that "Ick" feeling all over again like I experienced with the very first type of chemo I had the AC &T,

So this week they gave me half of a dose of the new stuff and I go back next Tuesday and have the other half and maybe my body will have adjusted itself better to it, if not I don't know If I want to continue taking that chemo, quality of life has to play a role in here somewhere. I can't walk around fighting cancer when the treatment makes me wanna die. So far so good with the half dose, but I also want to make sure if I have to take this chemo I am getting a dose high enough to do it's job. You have no idea how sick I am of being sick! Ugh!!!!

I'm still doing physical therapy even after a rough last week, but I saw the difference the exercises I was doing at home and the 2 times a week I spend at the center have made and when I feel stronger, I feel more like my old self. Oh yeah, my tumor markers WERE DOWN last week. Dr. Serious based the change of chemo on the fact that even though they were down, the tumors on my liver and my lung were slightly larger than last time per my cat scan of my chest, abdomin and pelvic area....so that is why the switch once again, on my chemo.

I was blessed with the news that my olderst Daughter and her Husband are ready to start a family come this spring......what better incentive to kick this disease than a grandbaby.....life goes on and I still want to be in it.....with a grandbaby on my hip of course! OK, Time to get ready for rehab!

Life is good and I am thankful!

Some good, some bad...but hey I'm still here right? lol

2007-09-19T08:02:00.000-07:00

Ok, The chemo already stopped doing what it was supposed to be doing...the tumor markers went up, the tumor on my liver grew and so did the big one in my lung....good news I didn't need blood, I didn't need a lung tap, all the other tumors in my lungs became very small and my brain scan came back CLEAN! Well at least my brain is in remission!! :) And Jim can only seem to find all but one lump near my spine....there were 4! And my new chemo is an IV PUSH which means I'm given a 15 minute bag of anti nausea meds along with flush liquid then the nurse uses a large syringe with my chemo in it and pushes through my porta cath.....(no worries no pain)....all done in less than a half an hour....before I'd be there 5, 6 7 hours! Ok, so 3rd time WAS NOT the charm...BUT>>>> I wouldn't have known it if I didn't try it right??? New Chemo is called Navelbine and Navelbine Side Effects - Chemotherapy Drugs

So far I still feel good, there isn't supposed to be any fatigue with this, minor weakness but I'm hoping the physical therapy count reacts that side effect! I'm still banged up pretty good from my fall from the tub so I'm going to need to cancel Friday's PT appointment too. Kinda nice to get a 5 day break from having to do anything or go anywhere...Yeah I think I like that idea a lot!

Thanks for always taking time to read my blog, lift my spirits and for showing the kind of love that only J-Land is capable of sharing...I know not all see eye to eye on everything, but the majority is kind and caring and I have been very lucky to have met you all!

Love,
Kim

Pride cometh before yet another fall! GRRR!

2007-09-18T08:43:00.000-07:00

Here I was being so smug thinking a couple of leg lifts and I'm ready to go full speed ahead and how does karma come back and bite me in the butt?? I fell out of the tub yesterday while trying to get out of it, of course that had to be that very same morning where I took the very cushy bathroom rugs out of there to wash them so I landed on a very cold, very hard floor........can you say ouch???

At first I thought I broke my right arm, it hurt to stretch it straight out, so I call Jim at work in tears of course, partly because I'm hurt, partly because I'm so damn mad! I was getting ready for my 2nd physical therapy....cancel that, I'm covered with ice packs! Because my Serum hemoglobin is so low you should see the bruising that comes along with that! I'm almost as purple as that beloved purple dinosaur "BARNEY" Well, at least nothing is broken but a couple hundred blood vessels and between the previous physical therapy, the meds I'm on and falling down I feel like I have been thrown by a Brahma bull (more than once! lol) Jim works only 10 minutes from home so he was here in a flash, the arm is just sore not broken.....my whole body is sore from the slam dunk.... it's a good thing I am already stocked up on pain medication.

But I'm still taking my colorful self for chemo today.... I refuse to give up my chemo schedule and I am sure I am going to get the same lecture from Dr. Serious Staff that I got from Jim......"If you would of had the walker waiting for you outside the tub you would have had something to hold onto as you were getting out!" So I'm back to being on lock down and no more showers during the day unless someone is home with me...... Well, so much for my short run with my old independence! 44 year old stubborn Irish women aren't fond of using walkers at this age, so it just sits folded up in the corner of my room reminding me of all that cancer has taken from me and left behind....if I didn't know that someone could really use it when I'm done kicking this cancers ass I'd blow the damn thing up myself, but I know someone out there will need one and won't be able to afford it, so when I'm done I will donate it to a nursing home where I know someone will look at having that walker as a gift and not constant reminder of a difficult time in my life.

cancer blah! cancer blah! cancer blah!

2007-09-17T08:25:00.000-07:00

Ok, I have to admit Physical Therapy is doing wonders for me! I have stretches to do at home and then some balancing to do between bars (not those kind of bars! LOL) parallel bars....it's my legs and my balance that I need the work on. I could already tell the difference at home on my stairs (really hating this tri-level now! LOL) I have PT twice a week, Mondays and Fridays. I will be doing some weight training too at some point.

Tomorrow is chemo day and I also see Dr. Serious about my brain MRI and Cat scan of my Chest/Abdomen/ Pelvic area......I'm a lil nervous about the brain MRI because my migraines are starting to come back and they left last year when I went into early menopause due to the chemo treatments.....but it is what it is and I will deal with it. Food is back to being blah so it's just small bites of this and that to give me the strength to get through the day, I'm even taking vitamins! Do you know how long my Mother has been trying to get me to take vitamins?? probably over 35 years! lol So I'm a slow learner! lol I wish I liked the health shakes more, easy nutrition... but I stop short of gagging when I think I have to drink one, or it takes me a half an hour to get it down my throat!

Friday morning I actually left the house by myself, I needed a couple of warm shirts for the cooler weather since none of my old clothes fit me anymore...."Extreme Cancer Make-Over" not the way I wanted to do it, but chit happens right? I guess cancer looks good on me! lol lol lol

We spent the weekend at the lake and I actually joined everybody for a couple of hours around the fire pit....I surprised even Jim when I came walking up that hill..a little bit of normal felt good, of course by the time I was ready to go back Jim had to walk with me, but it felt so good to be able to do something that I took for grant it all these years...a simple walk through the woods..........alone.

Me and My Guy and quick update (revised)

2007-09-11T10:19:00.000-07:00

Lil Jimmy behind the lens 2007

It's going to be another crazy couple of weeks but at I least I'm off chemo this week...I have to go in today for labs and my bi-weekly shot of Aranesp Aranesp®--Prescribing Information and then I have to wait and get the lab results to see if I am going to be getting another blood transfusion today. 2 pints = 5 hours but I love the staff and we have a good time when my favs are there. So far I have 6 sessions of PT set up with more to follow I'm sure.

Tomorrow I have my psychical therapy evaluation and my 1st session...I have a feeling I'm not going to like it all, but I know it will do me a world of good getting my strength back and maybe some more of my independence....missing that the most! Now my 16 year old daughter who has her permit is LOVING that she gets to drive Mom everywhere....Someday's I have no problem focusing on driving, other days I have the attention span of a gnat..... Chemo, Norco, morphine patch, liquid morphine.....Me on the road? Rachel on the road? Both scare the hell out of me! lol

My days of multitasking are going to be put on hold....That frustrates me the most.....but boy do I love when I have a good thinking day!!! Where everything falls into place and I have some what of a "normal" day. Still waiting for the puffiness of the steroids to wear off...Dr. Serious weened me off of them because he thinks that is what is causing the leg weakness....it's always something! lol lol lol

UPDATE

Dr. Serious was on vacation last week, the test results have not been studied yet (Brain MRI and CatScan of C/A/P) BUT.........I didn't need anymore blood, I didn't need the Aranesp shot AND my tumor markers were down.....3 good things IN A ROW!!!!

Life is good and I am thankful!

Go rest high on that mountain

2007-09-06T07:55:00.000-07:00

One of my Girlfriends (Mar) recently lost her Grandmother-In-Law, She was a VERY special lady....made you feel like you were welcome and a new member of the family and extremely quick witted..........loved her instantly! Her service and burial took place yesterday. Even though I just had chemo the day before, and that I am battling a sinus infection, an ear infection and just my normal leg weakness.....I wanted and had to be there! I really started to not feel well at the end of the service. So now we are on the way to the cemetery for a graveside burial and me thinking that there was going to be a building around with a rest room....nope....So I spy a bank parking lot across this small grassy field with just a few tiny bushes to walk through and I get half way across the grass and my legs give out.....now the funeral processions is driving by my as I'm trying to pick myself up out of the grass........my Girlfriends daughter and her best friend got to me first and helped me up....was I embarrassed? No! Just wasn't one of my shining moments.....but Goldylocks never fell of me head! lmaoooooo!!!!.A lil water and a lil air conditioning and I was all better. Then later that day I had a glass of red wine spilled on my new white capris.....total accident Carlie! My friends youngest child I wish you didn't run off and hide...I'll get you next time with grape juice! lol lol lol JUST KIDDING!!!

The rest of the after noon was touring my GF Aunts house and grounds. Just beautiful! Took off in the golf cart to see the woods, the old barns, the new Barns by the time we got back to the main house I'm pulling burrs out of Goldilocks and Mishy is pulling them of the seat of her pants...another funny moment we always seem to have when we are together....love you two!!!

Soon as I get the new test results, I'll share! Have a good day!

In quest of an organic pastry shop! lol

2007-09-04T23:51:00.000-07:00

Had chemo yesterday...jut the one dose the Gemzar and finally was able to get the last 2 Tumor Marker test results..........AND THEY ARE WAAAY DOWN!!
MAYBE third time's a charm huh? My blood work wasn't fabulous, (platelets) but I begged and I pleaded and they gave in as long as I go in Friday for 2 bags of blood (4 hour process and since I have to be there Thursday for my Brain MRI and cat scan of the chest/abdomin/pelvic , I might as well bring in a pup tent (me and boo of course) a sleeping bag and
Somemores and hang out there till next week when physical therapy starts! lol

I felt stronger and my legs didn't give me that much trouble now that Dr. Serious is once again weaning me off of the steriods....I think physical therapy will do wonders..as long as they don't hurt me too bad trying to put me back together again...I would really hate it if my Irish temper got in the way with some ones face and my foot...I heard P/H can be pretty painful....I'll just norco the chit out of myself and maybe I won't care what they do to me! lol lol lol

Hope everyone had a great weekend.......too hot here in Chi-Town for me so no direct sunlight or even reflective ( I burn waaay to easy) and the air was too hot to take into my lungs...thank God for dusk and early mornings! The pig roast was a big hit....my chocolate cup cake was even better!

Visit Photographic Memories to see more vacation pics

2007-09-01T08:48:00.000-07:00

I posted more vacation pics in my photo blog.....the link is on the top of my "Other Journals" still more to come but I'm spending the weekend at the lake again..........Pig Roast!

Enjoy your Labor Day Weekend!!!!!

Love,
Kimberleigh

black bears, black squirrels...and health update

2007-08-30T10:34:00.000-07:00

I had my 4th double dose of the Gemzar and the carboplatin on Tuesday afternoon....I didn't feel very well afterwards..a lil sick to my stomach.....a lil dizzy....but that was the first time that I had a side effect...with this new chemo cocktail..not bad huh?? I still managed a dinner out with just my Jim...by the way during my vacation up north I cooked and ate like a feind...gained 4 damn pounds back....a Woman with cancer still has issues with her weight...we are a strange lot aren't we? lol lol lol

Ok, now for the serious stuff....tumor markers up both times YIKES!!! New tests are being ordered as I type.... a ct scan - c/a/p (chest, abdominal and pelvic) with and with out contrast....can you say YUM on the orange flavored Barium??? PUKE! lol lol lol And I personally think something is going on in the brain again...since middle of vacation...small seizures have returned and I haven't had one of those since first being diagnosed with breast cancer.....so new Brain MRI too. Such is life huh? Hair is still MIA but I still don't give a rats butt! lol lol lol....late night drive, moon roof open, my favorite guy sitting next to me....then ruined completely when I'm hit in the head by a bug or pooped on, either way I didn't want to know what hit my head! lmaooooo!

Now On to more serious business..... I brought along a whole list of questions for Dr. Serious...here is how that went down.

Can I take a multivitamin...yes

Fatigue meds?...Yes (Thanks Mary) (Provigil)

Leg weakness is unbearable.....Thinks it's the steriods...being weened off of them, being put in a rehab program since once again I wiped out..this time in the chemo room....legs just give out....I'm so graceful...just like a swan huh?? Lmaoooo....A lil worried about my left arm. I had 24 lymph nodes removed from there and now that I partially blocked my fall on that arm I'm a lil worried about Lymphedema :(

VIP QUESTION......
Am I ever going to be eligible for stem cell transplant or a bone marrow transplant..now according to
Dr Alexander Hantel, MD
Medical Director Oncology Services
Edward Hospital
Professor Of Medicine
Division of Hematology/Oncology
Loyola University Stritch School of Medicine

Neither treatment has helped with Breast Cancer Patients...its more for cancers of the blood....Since I will never be curable only treatable as a life long cancer patient this isn't an option. Anybody have a different opinion on this one or been told the same thing?? Appreciate any and all feedback.

I will find out about new tumor marker test results tomorrow and I have to have the other tests run within 3 weeks before my next visit with Dr. Serious....They are sneaking me in early for both tests....I think by the middle of next week.... and rehab starts the week after that...they wanted me to do chemo one day then start rehab the next day...new girl behind the desk......sorry new girl I need a day or two to bounce back! lol And did I mention I keep getting lost in my bedroom??? 15 years same house, same bedroom, chemo is hell on the mind and body...Jim hears me bouncing around sniffling, getting ready to lose it and rescues me from the master bathroom, the closets, and the hallways.....dangerous for this lil weeble that falls down! lol really hating this tri-level about now..........gonna get a slip and slide for the two main hallways! lol lol lol and then some kind of pulley system to go back up....they give me a walker....when I have 2 staircases......walker is wider then the stairs! lol

Enjoy your weekends and your family.....time together is so precious!

Love,
kim

Now real black bear paw print? Or clever 15 year son tying to freak his momma out?? lol

And is this not the cutest little black squirrel you have ever seen??? LOL

They want me to start physical therapy ASAP, I can't agree fast enough! I have to build up my own strength again..to get back somewhat of my old life (come as I go, do as I please) Since I seem to fall about once a week....they gave me a walker....we are having a pig roast at our lake this weekend .....maybe I'll take Gramma Annie on in a walker race! I'll give her the outside edge for a lil momentum! lmaoooo

Back From Wisconsin a day early...finally dealing with the tears.

2007-08-25T08:00:00.000-07:00

This has been possibly the most emotional week of my life....416 days into my cancer diagnosis and I am finally falling apart...Hayward Wisconsin was wet....fishing so-so....I had one evening on the boat alone with Jim when my 15 year old son called on the walkie talkie to tell Big Jim he had a tick embedded in his stomach and that he can feel it moving around.....Jim's best advice slather it with Vaseline...the head can't hurt you from what I understand the toxins are in the body....with vasaline it suffocates them...so they try to back out themselves..so we turn the boat around after maybe an hour of fishing (me no such luck! fish wise)(lol)......wasn't a tick after all it was an itty bitty leach...pick your ick factor! lol.....Jim was able to roll it up on a tooth pick and flush it away.....I never got back out to fish....something humiliating about trying to crawl in and out of a boat on all fours.....not sure if it's humiliation or humble pie......I basically cried all week........several times a day.......but when I read about Mother Theresa having to fight her own doubts after living what she has lived and seen the suffering she has witnessed I don't feel so conflicted between the whole religion-evolution as I AM very sure so people many do. I do believe in a better place than here....I have had family members cross back and forth before their last breath to share what they have seen....that itself is a true miracle! To me Mother Theresa is already a Saint........she took on the needs and roles far too many people were to afraid to take...........CAN YOU SAY ANGEL WHO ONCE WALKED AMONG US???

I didn't get out of the cabin as much as I liked...my legs are still giving me a lil trouble....but since I have been sick and haven't done hardly any family cooking I cooked up a storm in that cabin....I promised Jim I would gain 3 pounds I think he gained 12! lol....since I don't own a scale I will have to wait till Tuesday to see if I hit my goal....I'm still on a low dose of steroids so I have been eating a lot in the middle of the night...Jim said,"I don't care what time you eat just eat!" lol

I'm a smart woman, I know I'm a smart woman......now I have to get passed that stubborn Irish woman and maybe it's time to get a second opinion.....huh Mary?....I'm starting to wax and wane with this treatment of my cancer. Jeanne that book you sent me on HOPE OR WAS IT FAITH? (SORRY CAN'T SEEM TO REMEMBER AT THE MOMENT) The Author beat terminal stage 4 breast cancer after a rough spell trying to get her insurance to pay for the bone marrow transplant...The Insurance actually didn't want to pay because after all it was "ONLY BREAST CANCER"..that book made more sense to me than "THE SECRET" which did NOTHING but repeat what every other Author who was in the compilation of that insane book trying to sound like they came up with that term themselves! Anybody else with me on this one???? lol lol lol

Just what is the criteria for a bone marrow transplant anyway...I have numerous cancer tumors on my spine, my new belly boob, at least one so far on my liver......hoping the Brain tumor has gone for good...a couple on my left leg....I see Dr. Serious Tuesday...I can ask him my many new questions.....This Book that Jeanne sent me....the Author/Patient worked for General Motors....which my Jim does too....and even though her treatment (BMT) and remission and reoccurrence and remission once again....after all Ford has done for Breast Cancer Awareness (WARRIORS IN PINK) and you can bet if General Motors even tries to shy away from covering a bone marrow transplant if I need one to kill off this cancer once and for all....ohhh am I gonna get loud! LOL LOL LOL...Hence the name DEMANDNLILCHIT!!!!!!! I have no doubt that if I do need a Bone MarrowTransplant that my insurance won't let me down...if that can cure me or put me in remission then theybetter give me a chance at it or this 5'00 foot Pink Warrior is really gonna get her Irish Temper in a twist! lol

I am very grateful for everything they have done for me...excellent benefits...maybe $300 out of pocket on co-pays total for Specialists and medicine co-pays...forover a year...But I know I am worth much more than a car, an SUV and a truck and I am pretty sure my Husband, children, friends and my J-land-family will agree.

I was able to get out for a long car ride and did get some amazing wild life shots...give me some time and I will post them on "Photographic Memories" Blog soon (found on top of side bar)

Again the tears I have cried in no way compromise my strength to do my best and beat this beast and have the rest of my HAPPILY EVER AFTER........DAMN IT!!!!!!!!...........LMAOOO!!!!!!

Tags: bone marrow transplant (bmt), Ford, General Motors, Breast Cancer, chemo, remission

Bald Eagles,Northern Lights (some Corona lite beer too) lol and Bears! OH MY!

2007-08-17T19:24:00.000-07:00

WARNING!!! HALF FINISHED BREAST RECONSTRUCTION PHOTO WITH VISIBLE OUTSIDE TUMOR......NO WORRIES IF YOUR A BOOB MAN! LOL LOL LOL LOL! WELL, ACTUALLY A NEW BOOB MADE OUT OF PART OF MY BELLY.....BOOBBELLY MAN??LMAOOOO

Computer is back and running.......Yipeeeee! As promised I wanted to show what a tumor that is visible from the outside of the body looks like...When I first noticed it, I kinda giggled to myself as I showed Dr. Serious that it looked like my body was trying to make it's own new nipple...only off by an inch and a half to the left of where it should be...even Dr. Serious got a kick out of that and laughed hard himself..the nurses are always so surprised that I get him to laugh so often....(Extremely warped sense of Irish humor on my part! LOL)

So boys and girls..yes even men get breast cancer.......check thoroughly for any lumps, bumps, rippling (which is what my new one has), redness, tenderness, you name it..you see a Doctor about it...IMMEDIATELY!!!! I did and I also did everything my Doctors told me to do and I'm still dealing with cancer. And even though there have been some rough days over this past year, it really and I mean this truly from the bottom of my heart...it hasn't been as bad or as scary as I thought having cancer would be. I have too many other wonderful things to be thankful to let this cancer get me down. I stumble now and then (literally fall down) sometimes that frustrates me to a tear or two, but most of the time I'm back on my feet and ready to start that step all over again.

In my last posting I hoped I thanked all my prayer warriors, my good karma senders, my well wishers, but I forgot to thank all my Chemo Angels....Jeanne I know your trying real hard to get healthy and lose some unwanted weight but I hope you know girlfriend that what all that is nothing but pure heart!.....you are all heart girlfriend!..and I love you for it! So many of you brighten my day and I appreciate every gift, card and prayer sent my way! When I finally beat this beast I will pay it forward....we are all on this earth to make it a little easier for the next person in need whether it be a prayer, a card or a really good hug or even time spent chatting...some people just need to talk and have a sincere ear to listen to them....such a simple gift of the heart.

Have a great weekend everyone.....I'm going where the eagles fly, the northern lights put on the best show on earth....now if the 3 baby black bears stop showing up on the caretakers back porch I might just survive this trip...petrified of bears like you wouldn't believe! But I do still giggle when I watch that old 80's movie "The Great Outdoors" with John Candy....Bear! Big Bear! Big, Big Bear! Big bear gonna get me! Big bear gonna eat me!....ROARR!.....I just love that movie! If the baby bears do come around you can bet I won't be the one trying to get it on film....I'll sacrifice one of the kids maybe! lmaoooooo

Tags: , chemo angels, prayer warriors, lots of good karma, wheeling, dealing, and trying to beat cancer

I'm doing great! My computer not so well...virus=shop

2007-08-16T16:16:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry I haven't posted again in a while...right now my computer has a virus and is at the shop at the moment....some sight one of the teenagers went to...Arghhhhh!

I had another double dose of chemo on Monday and NO FOUR DAY COMA.....I feel terrific! I am nowhere nearly as weak as I was when I depleated myself of food last time and like I said I won't be doing that again....took a very long time to bounce back from that! In fact I have been haunting the house at night cleaning...strange side effect huh??? lol Sorry not hiring out at the moment! lol I did mess up on Monday thought, I was supposed to be there at 8:00 A.M. for a Doctor visit, get my tumor marker results, have the chemo but I didn't write down the time in my cancer appointment book and I showed up at 1:30 which I thought was my normal time....thing is Mondays aren't my normal Dr. appointments.....Tuesdays are at that time....Dr. Serious is at another location late Monday afternoons.

They weren't sure if I was going to be able to get the chemo because last time my blood platelets were only 14......but because I had that week break in between and I am taking much better care of myself nutritionally they shot up to over 400....again go me! lol I'm still having weakness in my legs more than not and living in a tri-level isn't exactly fun right now....I'm doing so much better with this last chemo (Monday)

With it being over a year now battling this and trying to find a chemo that works, then seeming to have to adjust to new side effects, new dosages it seems after every blood test.....I am really looking forward to more of a same old, same old routine.....sometime...maybe.

Well, I just wanted to give a quick update on me and my even sicker computer and I still plan on posting a picture of the tumor visible on the breast they said cancer would never reoccur in...they said no breast tissue.... no more cancer...I guess I will always be the exception to things that rarely happen....like the mastectomy not working, 2 chemos (so far) that worked momentarily then stopped and still crossing fingers that this Gemzar and Carboplatinum is the right blend this time.

I also want to once again tell all of you who have been with me since the beginning of my blog (August-2004) and the beginning of my illness (July 2006) how much you all mean to me....your support, your encouragement to fight even harder and your heartfelt comments do so much to carry me on more days than you will every realize....so many of you call me inspiring.....when it's you and my friends and my family that inspire me everyday. Illness and death are a part of life and come what may I have truly been blessed with much love in my life and love is all I need.....OK, and really good Japanese food once in awhile! lol

I'll update again as soon as my computer is fixed.

Love,
Kim

Tags: gemzar, carboplatinum,

TGIF!

2007-08-10T10:59:00.000-07:00

All my life I have been in control of body...I wanted to do something I did it, without thinking twice....now here I am at 44 and I am no longer in charge of it. I had no idea of how much freedom I really had until I got sick. When I was first diagnosed and first treated with A,C & T chemo I had good days and bad days but my good days let me be the "on the go girl" I had days I could do whatever I wanted to do. Then we found out the treatment stopped working and moved onto a new chemo, I was told that it would be an easier functioning type of chemo but the side effects of the chemo really sidelined me with pain, so back on steriods I went and within 12 hours I was back to being pain free but really too weak to do anything...so now I'm on a new chemo again and I am still not in control of my body....I sleep too much, I eat too little and it seems my will is not my own right now....so damn frustrating.....I miss being able to come and go as I please.

Today was the first time I left the house on my own in over a month even if it was just for coffee, it felt so good to get out on my own, behind the wheel :) More than anything I want all my strength back so I can come and go as I please....I hope this is the chemo that works and that we can finally get me on a regular schedule so far it's been a year of trying to adjust to something....new chemo's, new side effects...I just want more normal days.

I will be posting a picture soon (kinda graphic) of the tumors that are visible on the outside of my reconstructed left boob. Most tumors are on the inside and you are only able to feel it, but I want you to see what it can look like too. I's so weird to know that here I am taking all this treatment and my body continues to grow these damn tumors! Jim can feel the ones along my spine and said that they are much smaller than they were before I started this new chemo....I just hope this one doesn't crap out on my like the last two...the one on my left boob doesn't look like it's changed much....I'm just hoping for a huge drop in my tumor maker test. (Find out Monday)

I know so many of you that read my blog have either gone through cancer yourself or are taking care of someone who is, so I just wanted to share this new thing I'm going through...loss of freedom and how very frustrating it is for me and that it a new aspect for me to deal with and that the person you might be taking care of no matter what the illness is might be experiencing the same thing but not able to articulate it just yet.

Have a great weekend everybody....I'm going to the lake! And I'm driving myself! lol

Hiya!...long time no keyboard! lol

2007-08-07T11:43:00.000-07:00

I think might be the longest I've ever stayed away from my blog! I'm still trying to adjust to my new chemo, not as harsh as the A,C and T that they give you when you are first diagnosed with breast cancer but not as easy as the Xeloda. The first week they gave me back to back treatments to get a jump start..that was a Monday, I didn't wake up till Thursday......seriously! Whenever I woke up it was day light but I didn't know if it was A.M. or P.M. I lost 7 pounds in my sleep even though Jim tried everything to get me to eat including calling in the reinforcements! lol Mom, Sister, Brother....2nd chemo was only 1 dose.......not so much a coma that week....still tasted buds are M.I.A :( 3rd week just blood work but they already had to reduce my chemo....blood count dropped enough to warrant it. So I'm hoping by the this time next week I'm settled into a routine with the new chemo/sleep....I still lose my words (very frustrating), I still lose my voice after each chemo session....So just when I start to have some really good days ( bad days aren't bad at all...not sick just sleepy...how hard is that right?? lol lol lol) ..... its chemo time again! lol Other than that we just did tumor marker tests yesterday and I won't know the results of those until next Monday... So once again I throw my faith, trust and hope into a new batch of chemo and hope 3rd time is the charm!

I'm going to be going up north soon and I can't wait!.....Bald Eagles, Northern Lights, friends we only get to see once a year and I hope by then I will regained enough of my strength that I carelessly gave away. It's weird, I've never gone that long without almost proper (I'm bad) nourishment and how fast it attacks the body and the mind...everything gets weak on you, your muscles, your eyesight, your mind plays tricks on you....so many times I thought I heard things I didn't, seen things that weren't there! Some of it was pretty funny but it had Jim worried enough that he took off last Friday because he thought he was going to have to hospitalize me for dehydration and maybe a feeding tube. I'm not going to let myself do that again....fridge is stocked with ensure, boost, carnation instant breakfast and moose tracks ice cream! lol.....vanilla of course!

Well, I'm going to try and catch up on journals....I turned a majority of them off when I was in Kentucky last month so I wouldn't be overwhelmed when I got back and I haven't been on the computer since right before my 1 year anniversary with cancer.......July 27, 2006....I thought I would have a hard time with that, but I didn't, just another day.......besides I have something better to spend my thoughts in.......my wedding anniversary is tomorrow and I have way more than a year to go through and realize all that I have been blessed with.....starting with the Man I married......My Jim....blessed indeed!

I have also been very fortunate to have the best insurance which covers my whole treatment....which leaves me with a trail and error of prescriptions...half used.....so many people could use this medicine....does anyone know a program that will take my old meds and give them to those less fortunate (which means FREE) I know my girlfriend was able to do that with her shots while trying to get pregnant....once she was pregnant they gave those shots to couples who didn't have the best of insurance or who's insurance didn't cover trying to get pregnant at all.....any info would be helpful!

Love,

Where my head is at today 7-24-07

2007-07-24T16:27:00.000-07:00

So I show up at the hospital Saturday afternoon, they told me to completely medicate myself up myself up since I am going to be flat on my back which what causing me the most pain anyway.....they say take two Norco and to bring my liquid morphine......so I am comfortable, do I bring it? NOOOO! I forget it all at the lake...they wanted to know if I wanted to send someone to get it or have the Doctor order a new little prescription, nope lets just cowgirl up and get this over with.........well with being on the table for an hour and 15 minutes, I needed to be lifted off the table......my sciatica was killing me!

The spine came back with signs of cancer but Dr. Serious felt that treating all the cancer this time instead of just the spine would be the most beneficial so it was on to the new chemo...1 st week I receive both chemo's

Gemzar.com for Patients and Caregivers – Information About Treatment with GEMZAR for Non-Small Cell Lung Cancer, Pancreatic C... and CARBOPLATIN - INJECTION (Paraplatin) side effects, medical uses, and drug interactions.

3rd week no drugs which works out great I won't have to worry about skipping vacation up north for a lil fishing which is a tradition we have been doing for years so I am very happy about that...so I have 1 week on one drug, second week on the second drug then I'm off the third week....hoping fanatically this one works! And waiting to see what side effects I get to enjoy with this one and how long they will last for, so far just a ton of confusion.

I want to send out my heartfelt feelings to you all for everytime I just need to vent or open my soul you lift my spirits so high and carry me, you make me feel that my time here on earth is not over yet, that I have things still left to accomplish and people left to inspire, what a gift to me you are all and I feel every hug, every good wish every prayer and it makes my soul soar so high to help the next person who needs that extra lift that I need from time to time and I love you all dearly for it.....I hope that there is at least one time that I was able to carry your troubled heart and make something a lil better for you...this world is a better place for those who sometimes walk besides us!

Love,

Kimberleigh

Sick of that other shoe always dropping! Grrrrr!

2007-07-21T10:02:00.000-07:00

Then it seems the 'other shoe' has to drop! Grrrrr! Even though the news was good on the brain MRI (NED ) the cancer marker tests came up sky high, I have new visible tumor on the outside of my new( left boob) and I have an emergency MRI of my spine in an hour to see if there is something growing or deteriorating from there. It seems I take one step forward and get knocked FOUR steps back!!!!!

So I'm off the Xeloda now that too has stopped working for me, how can I still be producing cancer even though I have been on this chemo for 2+ months..........that's 2 chemo's that seemed to have failed me after a lil while of working for me. Even Dr. Serious is concerned with how aggressive this cancer is.

There are many stages that go along with "dealing" with cancer .......... shock, denial, fear, lot of what if's, then you settle into routine, you show up when the doctor tells you to, take each and every test hoping for the " Best" results.....you show back up again hoping the news will go in your favor and either go and celebrate (briefly) or move on to the next test, or next treatment........the whole time wondering which of the 2 categories you will luckily fall into.........the survivors? or the non-survivors.......in the beginning I thought and believed what the Doctors statistics were telling me "You can beat this!!!" Now I am not so sure....it seems no matter how I beat it down it comes back faster, with more vengeance and a you are going down attitude, luckily I have been just as strong, just as tuff but now other answers are starting to invade my head.....scenarios that know one wants to hear play out........I am already at peace with either outcome.....even though others' are not ready to hear it.....Me I keep thinking who will go through my house when I'm gone to help Jim and what will they find and how horrified will I be even on the other side???? lol lol lol

A million dirty dishes under the teenagers's Beds?? Jimmy Hoffa himself in the attic or crawl space? What of my personal belongings? I am a Jewelry girl....I have numerous Wedding rings ( same guy folks ) so called me spoiled!!! just how many fishing poles or shot guns, tree stands and tackle boxes does one man need anyway???? I rest my case for everyone woman out there! each Daughter of mine have a piece of Mom to walk down the aisle with if I'm personally not there to attend....Even my Son will have one if he chooses to marry his wife with one of my rings, I've already told them make pendants out of them and there is your something "old" I am so glad that at least I have seen one get wed and the two older ones graduate High School.There really a lot of details to over when you look at the finished picture.

I know you are used to me attacking cancer and giving a good fight but at sometime I might have a different path to face and I need you to remember not every pink warrior wins the battle and that some they will loose the war....like our Dear Pamela.

So this is where I stand today.....back on steroids, off of Xeloda, waiting to find out if I am starting spine radiation on Monday or a new chemo regiment...But as usual I will show up in my Pink Warrior mode and continue with my destiny........OOOO RAHHHHH!

Now for a shout hout out to the every day heroes, the every day warriors and the people that put their lives on the line every day voluntarily......They do it for the RED, WHITE AND BLUE....... for ME and for YOU!!!!! OUR SOLDIERS!!! You are the true warrrioros, the true everyday heros!

Stay strong and stay safe until you come home! God Bless you too!

Meet N.E.D. Ü

2007-07-20T11:04:00.000-07:00

I want you to meet NED, he's my new best friend, I was introduced to him earlier this afternoon.....He stands for No Evidence of Disease.....whick means that there isn't anymore cancer taking up residence in my brain! Oh happy day, oh happy day.........I'll post more as the test results come in! Now I am still working on the lungs and that small spot of my left boob, spine nd liver.

And where it stops nobody knows.......

2007-07-15T17:52:00.000-07:00

Ok, Friday afternoon yes I know, I purposely picked Friday the 13th and had my newest brain MRI and then today they will be doing a new Cancer Tumor Marker test along with my cbc's and other stuff and then next Friday I meet with Dr. Serious ad Dr. Nuke and we go over the latest info.

I will bring him up to speed on my strength, endurance all around yucky feeling and living on maybe 350 calories a day....I know....not good! but if something doesn't appeal to me I can't eat it. I can't tell you how many things Jim has prepared for me or ran out and bought for me to only take one bite out of it and say"YUK!".....well I am still calling this "My Extreme Cancer Make Over" NOTHING aappeals to this last round of chemo......... Good for my ass but bad for the rest of my body. They say that the possible long term side effects from the whole head radiation could be a change in personality.....Hmmmm maybe My Momma will her good lil Irish Cathoilic girl always wanted??? Only time will tell! lol lol lol

We got back from Kentucky where all of My Jim's family lives, late Tuesday night and I slept my sleepy butt dead for almost 2 days.....maybe a road trip wasn't exactly what the Doctor ordered talk about saddle sore but I needed to see Jim's family and they needed to see me and it was Jimy's Brother Allen who broke the code as to the changes that have taken place with me since I got sick....I got quiet as a church mouse.........so un -like me! I'm more like a loud vegas act that borders a lil on the raunchy side of the strip! lol lol lol
I only went out to the lake once this weekend, spent most of today sleeping the day away......it's becoming a love/hate relationship with my bed. My Jims are at Nascar Race....both in total heaven for sure........I don't get it myself if I'm going to go round and round it's gonna be at a mall! lol Now that kind of lapping I totaly understand! lol

side note AJ from SC, Arlene......So many times I have tried to write you an email but you don't have it where your accepting my email adress. Can you change that so I can email your back from time to time?

Thanks Kim

2007-07-11T10:17:00.000-07:00

I'm back from my road trip and I am weary, but I am still glad I went! lol My In-Laws took the news hard, even though I had good news to go along with it, my Brother-In Law is having a harder time accepting the changes in my personality, He told Jim that he is not used to me being still, being quiet...that he misses my bubbly personality and my chatty Kathy personality...to me it didn't seem that I had changed that much but I guess I have because I have heard that before about how quiet I've become.

When I see Dr. Serious next week I am going to ask him if there is anything that I can be given to perk me up, I'm tired of sleeping most of my days away....I would like a lil more energy during the day to meet friends and family. I didn't take hardly any pics due to the fact of fatigue.........the day of their reunion I came home and the slept for 24 hours straight! That scared the hell out of My Jim, every couple of hours "Are you OK?" "Are you OK?"............I will be if ya let me sleep! lol

If I have any picture worthy photographs I will post them soon....it's nap time again! lol lol lol

ROAD TRIP!!!!!

2007-07-06T07:33:00.000-07:00

Yeah, Yeah....isn't Grandma Annie just precious! That woman has cracked a few hard plastic hairbrushes over my head in her day! lol well deserved I'm sure but still....... OUCH! She likes to tell the story about when I was about 4 years old we just moved to Illinois From a Texas Military base and she was trying to get me to sit still so she could brush my hair.... I told her

OWWW! Your hurting my pretty hair and she said down the end of her nose..........you don't have pretty hair! Ya that came out on therapy! lol lol lol lol Now with me losing my hair twice in 8 months that story makers her cry.........all is forgiven dear one... all is forgiven! She is where I get my fight from her and My Mother.....Both strong, strong women!

Ok, now for the real reason I'm doing an entry.........

ROAD TRIP!!!!!!!!
I am heading South to the In-Laws...it's that time of year for the family reunion and we have yet to still tell Ruth and James that I'm still sick. We have our own reasons from keeping this from them until now because the last time they kept burying me until they saw with their own eyes that even though I still have cancer and it has done the unthinkable (spread) So we wanted to tell them face to face so they can see I am still in my battle mode. I also feel this has given them 6 months of peaceful grace instead of worrying every time the phone rang, or the doorbell rang....I will leave her to tell the rest of the family at the reunion. I can't even remember if we made it last years reunion, it was right after Melissa and Tony's wedding and right around my diagnostic breast mammo and ultra sound.

It is so WEIRD to know you have a memory issue......pick one I got many to choose from.....is it from the tumor on my brain?Is it from all the chemo? is it just because I was a real blonde before....now I'm just a hairless cat! Is it from the radiation treatments? is it from the morphine? the Norco? So when I come up blank....I just file that under "CHIT! Oh well!" lol again if I knew back then (High School) what I know now I wouldn't have intentionally sacrificed soooo many brain cells......Who Knew??? Lmaoooo

See ya when I see ya and yes I'm bringing the camera....Jim is so worried that a bootlegger is gonna take me out or worse I'll stumble across a Met lab..........could be trouble! I don't think he's gonna leave me to my own free will for a long time!

"The Troll and Me"

2007-07-05T07:11:00.000-07:00

This woman married her High School Sweetheart only to lose him to his stubborn Irish Pride and TB at the early age of 31. Leaving behind 7 children.......there were only 5 when he was first diagnosed but oh those weekend visits home provided 2 more mouths to feed as if they could afford that......but love does find a way. Shortly after my Grandfather Emmett Brennan passed away my Fathers family was accepted into Mooseheart. It is a place for second chances all due to the wonderful order of the moose clubs.

This woman knows heart break.........she's buried her oldest son my father Mike, her second oldest son Emmett and her first born daughter Ann.....my Father due to the hold of that almighty bottle, and my Aunt and Uncle to Cancer....now she has to live with mine...we tell her things slowly, she has lost her sight due to Macular Degeneration a few years earlier, but don't let her fool ya...she can take ya down at 2 feet! lol

She's lost her fair share of grand babies and great grand babies too. She is our rock, our matriarch and she is in high demand when it comes to family gatherings. We are everything bad and good about your a typical Catholic Irish family.

In the end....it REALLY is all about family, who you love and who loves you back...thank God I got that early...I didn't need cancer to show me that.

This is one proud Great Great Grandma! 7 kids, 18 grandchildren ,33 great grand children and 1 great great grand child....where ever we go it's party! lol lol lol This is the author of all "THE TELLINGS" she shares family stories with us for us to pass down from generation to generation...I'm surprised at how many times someone WASN'T arrested! lol Although a whole generation 3 Brennan Brothers kinda left Nova Scotia without time to pack..........We still never figured out what happened up there but all 3 left in a a hurry and married the 3 Cavanaugh Sisters....mi vida loca baby....for sure!

She's smashing the hell out of my new boob.......can you say OUCH!!!!!!!! lol

Tags: generations, family

My Brat Pack! lol

2007-07-04T09:22:00.000-07:00

My Rachel, My Lil Jimmy, Me, My Amanda (aka) Bob and My Melissa

These are the reasons I fight without hesitation when it comes to doing what I gotta do just to have another tomorrow. They are the biggest joys of my life and the biggest pain in the ass's at times....but weren't we all at some point in our lives?? lol lol lol

The family resemblance is uncanny! lmaoooooooo These are two of my Fathers younger Brothers...there were 5 Brothers all military branches served and 2 Sisters...Uncle Bob and Uncle Steve had to give it up for me.......I'm now the hottest bald member of the family......sorry guys! NOT! lol lol lol

More photo's to post tomorrow.....some of The Troll too.....Grama Annie who I get all "the tellings" from!

This lil light of mine....

2007-07-02T09:06:00.000-07:00

For almost 10 days I have secretly been scared that the cancer has spread to my bones.....I have been in pain...severe pain that came out of nowhere....I wake up in the morning and my back and shoulder blades are killing me, my sternum is killing me and my joints and muscle aches like I've been in a car wreck. I have been silent about my fear of the cancer spreading to my bones but it's been hard to keep silent about my pain...yesterday I woke up in so much pain that I had to use my liquid morphine....I haven't had to use that since my last hospitalization in May.

So what do I do? I call my Momma of course........who else can I share my fear with at this point without devastating my Children....I do share my fear with Jim because he finally caught a glimpse of some of the pain. My Mother immediately puts my mind at ease.......I love my Momma...she had been checking out the side effects of my Xeloda (oral chemo) and even though I did this myself in the beginning with the packet the drug company gave me it failed to mention.....back pain, chest pain and muscle and joint pain....Whewwww! I have been off my morphine patches for a lil over 2 weeks and I think that is why I am now having pain from the Xeloda. I have tried to keep my use of pain medications down to barely used because up until this point I could handle it...but I'm going to be utilizing them more now that I know it's just going to be part of my every day life (pain that is) while I continue on my way to find remission from all this cancer chit. lol

I should of figured out when I left the hospital in May why they sent me home with such strong narcotics....liquid morphine, Norco and the morphine patches! This too I shall get through....there is still so much living to do!

I had a rough time Saturday even though we spent it at the lake, I never managed to get out and visit with anyone and I wasn't up to visitors but Sunday was fabulous and almost every member of my huge Irish family was there to celebrate 2 family birthdays who both turned 17...tons of pictures were taken and I was even able to get a picture of me and all four of my kids....very rarely can I get them all at the same place, but yesterday was a day of celebration and family and good friends...food was fabulous, the kids all enjoyed the beach, my Son-In-Law and my Husband went out fishing together for the first time with many more times to come....the sight of them 2 out on the water together fishing and talking just warmed my heart....I love my SIL...he's my Daughters perfect match and he has so many of my Jim's traits.....can't get better than that! lol

I'll share the some of the pictures by tomorrow.......there is so many from other family members too! I think there was probably 30 of us out there.......Some even came from out of state just to hug me and tell me how proud they are of me and to battle on like the pink warrior that I am......I needed that extra kick on the ass to get back in my warrior mode.....watch out cancer here I come! lol lol lol

Tags: Xeloda side effects, pain managment, family, breast cancer stage IV, working toward remission

Even the Warrior gets battle worn...

2007-06-26T10:46:00.000-07:00

I am falling into a pattern with this on again off again Xeloda (chemo)...Friday I had the energy, Saturdays all I do is sleep the day away whether it's a chemo week or not. Sunday one of my girlfriends turned 40 and her family had a surprise party for her, even though all I did was sit in a chair most of the day....I was exhausted by the time I got home several hours later. I slept yesterday away and I will probably sleep the majority of today away too.........I HATE THAT!!!!

My appetite is in the toilet too..........nothing looks good, nothing tastes good except for my birthday girlfriends Mother's Italian sausage and green and hot peppers............YUM! So I'm back to living on propel water and bites of this and bites of that. I probably will end up calling the Doctor at some point and ask what I can do about the damn fatigue. I know I have to eat to get stronger and that will also bump up my stamina...but when the site of a fork makes you want to cry every other week.....I don't know it's just some sick holding pattern I am stuck in.

Even the strong get weary and when I stop long enough and ask how much more of this can I take...I sometimes don't like the answer...but I look into the faces of my children and into the eyes of My Jim and I say I can do this one more day and each morning brings me one more day!

Do I get an AMEN from the choir?? lol

2007-06-22T06:27:00.000-07:00

First of all with my brain being overwhelmed between being nuked, and zapped and my chemo brain...I apparently show up a day early for my test results...totally my fault I have the right date and time in my cancer journal that I take with me to every appoint ( so I can take notes and keep track of all my tests and the subsequent results...I saw that it was Friday but Thursday felt a Friday to me so I went! lol Good thing they love me over there! They new how important those test resutls were to me and mine and he snuck me in and gave me all the good news! lol

So now for all the GOOD NEWS!!!!!!!!!

Both my cancer tumor marker test levels were way down....I can't seem to find the exact numbers to give you but one is back in the double digit and the other one went from 197 last month down to 133 this month... here are the links to better explain what a cancer tumor marker test are....the two I have done once a month are.. Cancer Antigen (Ca) 27.29: Blood Tests and CA 15-3: The Test .

And now for the even better news...all the small nodules (to small to consider tumors yet) in my lower lobes of both my lungs have completely disappeared! Yahoooo! and the lymph nodes that all tested positive for cancer in the middle chambers of both lungs......well, all but one is still active! another AMEN from the choir please! lol and the two largest tumors that are located in the upper lobes of both lungs where the size of walnuts.....one has shrunk at least 50% and the other one almost 50%......so the Xeloda is working!!! and I only have a small puddle of fluid in my lower left lung that will eventually re- absorb itself...no lung tap needed!

He did want to show me that he had some (light) concern for a spot on my liver now, and my new left breast..........He gave me a stern warning not to worry about it, that we will keep an eye on them and only do more if it warrants it.......You know my nickname for him is Dr. Serious he means what he says and says what he means...I trust him explicitly.

So we know we are on the right chemo regimen and that is truly a blessing, I will have another Brain MRI in less than 3 weeks to see how well the whole brain radiation did and if Dr. Serious thinks I will be able to take that chemo booster we had discussed in the beginning about my new treatment plan...then I will be given it intravenously every 3 weeks (still have my porta cath) and hopefully remission will be right around the corner!

I remember when I was younger and I wanted everything...............now it's just time....such a simple request...but what I hold almost as precious as my family...Thank you for this time and more time!

Started out happy dancing and made myself cry.....what roller coaster this past year has been!

Love to you all!

1 or 2? lol lol lol

2007-06-21T08:17:00.000-07:00

I had taken my youngest Daughter Rachel to get her eyebrows waxed, it was only the second time that we had done this, as pretty as this child is she is cursed with Oscar the grouch kinda eyebrows....I'll blame that on her Fathers side of the family.....the ends literally grow the other way...so at the ends they are overlapping one another...so she wanted the wax job as part of her sweet 16 birthday package....no worries I thought last time I was a horrible Mother and laughed at her pain....I tell her beauty is pain and pain is beauty.

So the two of us walk into the salon and there is a language barrier....I announce that I would like my daughter to have her eyebrows waxed and the woman says........one or two?.... I say to myself HUH??....I say both of course why would anyone just have one eyebrow waxed right?? again she says 1 or 2.......I reiterate 2!!!!!! she then points to my eyebrows and says one or two? Now I get it she's asking if I want mine done.......I say hell no I just got mine back from chemo and nobody's going near them! lol lol lol

She did a beautiful job on Rachies eyebrows.....no more Oscar the grouch eyebrows! lol lol lol

In response to a comment that was left

2007-06-20T09:20:00.000-07:00

Anyone who was really ill should take it and not crave sympathy from the masses, only people with a shallow mind does that...Are you really ill or is it just a shallow attempt to get silly attention if you are ill be ashamed for sharing misery of pretend bravado, you are silly woman either way.
#56 Comment from misixxxxx - 6/20/07 10:41 AM

I crave nothing but more time with my family, I have 4 children who still need their Mother...if that is selfish then call me selfish I want to be here for them! I blog about my experiences so that the next person that is diagnosed with ANY type of cancer won't have to do that long walk alone. I am not shallow or an attention seeker.....my blog only changed tempo when my life did last year when It was found that I had Breast Cancer which even a mastectomy and four months of chemotherapy could not stop now it has invaded other parts of my body including my brain.

Now, for you MISIXXXXX I would spend more time trying to help the next person along then trying to knock them down. And if you had an ounce of intelligence you would of scrolled down my side bar and read from the beginning up until now about my Illness (cancer stage IV) before you would have passed judgement on my character ...When all the world can see it is your character that is in question. Shame on you...but something horrible must be wrong with your life if this is how you behave or react to someone else's life threatening illness and if that fact is so...... I PITY YOU ALREADY! You don't ever have to subject yourself to my blog again.... I wish you nothing but the best even if you are incapable of reciprocating.

bald chick versus goldylocks

2007-06-19T05:31:00.000-07:00

Most of the time I run around bald......kinda used to it since this is the second time in less than 8 months that I am as hairless as a hairless cat! lol The funny thing is I get much more eye contact from people then I ever did before and when someone makes eye contact with me I always give out a greeting and people always respond back in kind.

It's gotten to the point I am very comfortable being bald.....there is nothing like the feeling of a warm summer breeze running through the 7 or 8 hairs you have left! lol lol lol But sometimes, just sometimes I don't want to be the bald chick, I want to just blend in and look as if I am not in the middle of a health crisis. That's when Goldylocks comes into play. I went to the hospital bald (as usual) and while waiting for them to call me into the chemo room to do a blood draw I was talking to an elderly woman about our families and about my cancer, she was very interested in mine and didn't mention why she was there...I enjoyed our conversation immensely, I tend to be waaay more open to strangers than people that I have known for years....A stranger can tell your secrets and you won't care.

While I was talking to her this striking older woman came over to me and said, "If I had your beautiful face I'd take my wig off right here and never wear it again!" I told her, "She was beautiful and she didn't need her wig either!" we both thanked each other and finally my name was called......off course they could get my port to take fluids but once again it refused to draw blood back....so it took 3 veins to get 3 vials of blood and of course all 3 veins were blown...such is life for a stingy blood giver! lol I swear I'm stopping at Happy Hour the next time before and do a lil blood thinning on my own....ya never know it just might work! ;)

So last night I had a date with Jim......dinner out with no kids...and I didn't want to be the bald chick last night.....so it turned out to be me, Jim and Goldylocks....my Son wanted to take a picture because he said I looked beautiful.......he can be very charming when he wants to be and then there are times.....lol! When I saw the picture I almost cried...it looked so much like the old healthy me....for a moment I didn't see a cancer patient....I saw a forty something woman without a care in the world...I hope I get to see more of her and less of the cancer patient.....a lot hinges on the news I get Thursday...still no intuition signs yet.

JWH 2007 (my Son the budding photographer)

tests and more tests! lol

2007-06-18T11:36:00.000-07:00

I went to the hospital to have my Thoracic CT Scan of my chest today to see if the chemo drug I am now taking orally every other week is doing what it suppose to do.......SHRINK MY TUMORS! lol
From what I was told the largest tumor is the size of a walnut and after my first round of the Xeloda it did show signs of shrinking even though my cancer markers were up that week and I needed my first lung tap...the good news is that it did shrink in spite of the other results....both Dr. Serious and I were both pleased with that result considering he isn't as concerned about the dried up pea sized tumor in my head or the lesion that was spotted on my spine. He main concern is clearing up my lungs...So I will see him this coming Thursday to get the results.....still waiting for my intuition to kick in before I see him....I'll post my intuition as soon as it comes in and see if it's right so far it's been very accurate...woman's intuition.....just another thing I love about being a woman! lol lol lol

They also did another tumor marker test and the usual CBC's.........I'll get those results the same day........so I'm hoping for a huge change in my lungs and that my tumor markers are down....then can you say...CELEBRATE GOOD TIMES COME ON! lol lol lol I'm not sure how I will be if the news isn't good, but I know I'll end up saying...........ok, next new chemo...... BRING IT ON! I have to admit Saturday was a really bad day for me, I was weak and tired and slept most of the day away while out at the lake and still managed to sleep through the night...I'm listening to my body and when it says rest I DO NOW! lol It was also a very weepy day for me and I did have a small pity party for one...not to bad considering that cancer has been living in my body for a year now and I've only had 2 pity parties.....The first round of chemo that I started last September until January which was the AC & T which makes you so ill that you almost want to die and this past Saturday......I couldn't even smile.......I'm just glad that Sunday I was back to my old fiesty self and today I'm just a lil tired....so nap time it is!

My radiation burn is almost gone without any scarring.......but I wouldn't care if there was...that's what bangs are for and I'm still alive and kicking.....can't get better than that!

Love,
Kimberleigh

Just came across a new blogger, if your into true life crime stories check him out....gotta love Brooklyn! lol

http://journals.aol.com/ecdetect/memoirs-of-a-new-york-private-de/

Tags: breat cancer stage IV, Xeloda, radiation burn, living in spite of it all

A Lahoma (Mzgoochi) update

2007-06-17T19:38:00.000-07:00

I just got off the phone with Lahoma a lil while ago (aka MzGoochi) from Lahoma Lamnets....(link in my sidebar) and she wanted me to let everyone know that she just finished her chemo and that they will be checking this coming Tuesday to see if the chemo worked via a bone marrow sample....that will be the same day her Brother will be tested to see if he is a match with her....otherwise they will be looking for a donor in the bone marrow bank.....so please say a lil prayer for her that her brother is a perfect match and she can be done with all this cancer chit.

I know when I was first diagnosed with breast cancer last year and they were going over the treatment plan, which was Adriamcin, Cytoxan and Taxol (AC& T) that 1 in 500 breast cancer patients treated with these drugs will get Leukemia.... Lahoma was in remission for 10 years, and now she is doing battle with Leukemia....I'm am sure there is a connection.

If anyone would like to call Lahoma and lift her spirits because she is there alone and they don't plan on releasing her until the first week of July if all goes well you can contact her directly at 1-304-598-4000 Room # 919. I can't imagine having to go through what she is going through without someone there by her side to make sure she is properly being taken care of and loved and nurtured as she battles another round of cancer.

So if ya can send some love her way.......J-Land is such a loving and caring community and I know I couldn't battle half as hard as I am with my own cancer if it wasn't for the constant love that is shown to me by so many J-Landers.

Or cards can be sent directly to her at

Lahoma Taylor
Ruby Memorial Hospital
Blood and marrow transplant unit
Medical Center Drive
Morgantown, WV 26506

And did I mention she has the cutest accent with the sweetest voice....first time I've ever had the chance to speak to her...adorable! lol

It ain't easy being Jim sometimes! lol

2007-06-14T23:00:00.000-07:00

Just letting you know that Jim can slip up from time to time too..........after all he's human AND a man! lol

Last time I saw Dr. Serious he told me to call him if I was experiencing any pain in my chest or if I started coughing. He said let him know right away...I listen to my Doctors now so when I started that God awful half gag on the air I'm trying to suck in and chocking on the air that is trying to leave my body......I thought UH OH....maybe another dreaded lung tap was in order....So on Wednesday when I met my friend Kathy and her son for brunch, I called Dr. Serious charge nurse and told her what I was experiencing, she said she would run it past the Doctor and get back to me...now with my history of everything getting out of control at a very high speed...I like the fact that Dr. Serious follows me very closely.

So I call Jim and tell him as soon as he gets home from work it's off to the hospital for a chest X-ray.....so as soon as the test is done I'm already talking to Dr. Serious charge nurse to let her know the slides are ready for viewing, she calls me back with an all clear! Whewwww! I'm not fond of lung taps, but if it keeps me here a lil longer than I'll do what I gotta do right?

Jim's mistake? saying to me on the ride home....."Happy now Ms. Paranoid?"....Now I turn the evil eye on him and ask him if he just called me paranoid.....he was already looking for a place to hide.......kinda hard in a 2 seater pick up truck....I say, "Paranoid?" I have every right to be paranoid since I did everything the right way the first time, mastectomy, 4 months of chemo, Tomaxifen for almost 3 months and IT DIDN'T WORK, my cancer went from stage IIB to Stage IV.......during treatment...went from just the boob to my lungs, my brain and my spine....I don't think he chose his words wisely! lol He didn't think so either! lol

His next mistake.........trying to appease the crazed, menopausal woman who he promised forever with, thought he wouldmake up for the word paranoid to get me some of my favorite ice cream Deans Moose tracks..in vanilla ice cream...........instead he comes home with chocolate moose tracks.....Oh the injustice of it all....Oh well, It's a crying shame.......I really liked that man!!!!!! lol lol lol

Started my 4th round of the xeloda oral chemo this morning, but at least my rad burn is healing very well. Hope this xeloda works it's magic and I also get the all clear on the booster meds that really helps the xeloda to kick in high gear...oh happy day...oh happy day!

Oh yeah I'm bragging! lol Momma's can! lol lol lol

2007-06-14T06:21:00.000-07:00

Oh Yeah! This Momma's bragging! lol

My 15 year old Son Jimmy who is an amazingly self taught artist was asked that one of his end of the year art projects be placed by invitation only to our local art museum.........now grant it, I preferred the skittles drawing over his other topic, but it was the other topic that was asked to be put on display....I think the "other" topic is a few skittles short in the brain department, but what can I say my boy idolizes his namesake his Grandfather who he was named after, who just happens to be Republican....I let my kids find their own views and guide them only when asked too....He was a huge Clinton fan until he found out at the ripe old age of 6 that President's lie......tore his whole world apart....it was also the year that he found out that there wasn't a Santa Claus....he ran into his bedroom very upset then came back out 15 minutes later and said, "I suppose you're the Easter Bunny too?" then paused for a moment and said, " Is the tooth fairy real" That was a rough day for my lil man! lol

So without further adieu.....My Son's Art!

Now for someone a few skittles short! lol.......MY BAD! lol lol lol

No, what are now seeing is not an Old English Sheepdog....it is my Son who prefers to see the world through his blonde hair at the moment....Can you say surfer dude?? lol lol lol .....His Self Portrait in charcoal!

Tags: Momma's bragging rights, art

Happy just to be with you......

2007-06-12T23:16:00.000-07:00

I seem to be in some kind of vicious cycle....I need xanax at night to help me fall asleep and STAY asleep but I always feel so lethargic the next day that I nap on and off which I know effects why I am up this late doing an entry! I am hoping that I can start going through a day without a nap.....maybe that will help with be able to fall asleep at my old bedtime.....right after the weather man does his thing .... 10:20 p.m.

Today was spent taking my girlfriend Michelle to our shared Lung Doctor, going over a new treatment to help her with her Pulminary Fibrosis who is already on oxygen at the age of 40! We did a quick lunch and then I was back in my bed....unable to sleep, but unable to keep my eyes open....we were supposed to meet up for an early dinner with 2 other friends but at the last minute they needed to cancel from their own over loaded schedules...I was happy that we were able to grab a quick bite to eat in our own neighborhood and reschedule for some time next week.

Tomorrow is a late breakfast with another girlfriend and her adult son who has seemed to take my cancer harder than anyone else I've seen so far........me and his Mom (Kathy) have been friend for over 26 years now...been there for each other during her horrible divorce and even more horrible marriage...I guess between his Mother and me and one other girlfriend of ours seemed to be the only constants in his life, so we are the only ones he cares about back.

So tomorrow I will try a lil caffeine to keep me up during the day and maybe, just maybe I can get back to my old sleep pattern. I don't want to sleep my days away...I am hoping that more of my strength comes back and I can get back on track at home with all I have to do. It has been one whole year that cancer has taken over my life and my body.....that still freaks me out a lil....what is it doing? where is it traveling too now? I won't know if this new chemo is working until June 22.... I know the waiting is taking it's toll on me and My Jim....A year where not only has he continued to be the sole bread winner of the house Being the Stay At Home Goddess that I am before I got sick! lol lol lol, but has become my care giver 24/7, still tying to maintain some sense of normalcy for the two children we still are raising at home, is with me at most of my Doctor appointments and let me tell you I have a whole slew of specialists and he takes me to all my testing and then back to the Doctors for the results... I feel so blessed that he was chosen for me long before we met.

One of these days I want to get a scanner so I can show you the 1980's rocker couple that we were! Me with my big hair and Madonna wear and him with his mullet and "cavaricci jeans" and Jordache jeans ironed to a point! lol We were so young back then..blissfully unaware of what was to come some 20 years later. But we are a strong couple and this is just another bump in our travels through life and being more stubborn than cancer helps a great deal...I will be so excited and blessed when I hear the words remission spoken on my behalf and now matter how long of a time I will spend in remission I will be thankful for every moment of it.....one more day and one more day after that and so on.

I haven't been able to listen to a lot of Country Music which I was raised on.....there is something about the country music writers that are able to find a connection between a story and a listener hearing it for the first time and souls collide. The one song that puts me over the edge is a song from LONESTAR that they made a few years back that really resonates with what is going on in my love story...... my life story....so here goes the water works for me....not all sad, mostly happy that I am loved this much from one hell of a man who still wants one more day with me..........My Jim.

"One more day"

written by LONESTAR
Last Night I had a crazy dream
Wish was granted just for me,
It could be for anything
I didn't ask for money, or a mansion in Malibu
I simply wished for one more day with you

One more day, One more time
One more sunset maybe I'd be satisfied
But then again; I know what it would do
Leave me wishing still, for one more day with you

[Oh one more day]

First thing I'd do is pray for time to crawl
I'd unplug the telephone, and keep the TV off
I'd hold you every second, say a million I Love You's
That's what I'd do, withone more day with you

One more day, One more time
One more sunset maybe I'd be satisfied
But then again; I know what it would do
Leave me wishing still, for one more day with you

One more day, One more time
One more sunset maybe I'd be satisfied
But then again; I know what it would do
Leave me wishing still, for one more day....
Leave me wishing still, for one more day....
Leave me wishing still, for one more day....
With you

[Oh... One more day]

weekend update! lol

2007-06-11T07:38:00.000-07:00

I'm still trying to learn to balance what I can do and what I want to do without over doing it....stubborn Irish Woman still thinks I can run full steam ahead....and then I pay for it the next couple of days. I just have a hard time passing up when I have the energy to do something....Jim yells "Don't over do it!" and I say, "I won't!"...then I do. So after a busy weekend out at the lake, he's playing hookie today, the kids are no longer in school..(Thank God! I was getting real sick of that routine!) Summer means sleeping in and with teenagers..I practically have the house to myself until they awake from their summer coma's in the late afternoon! Yipeeeee! lol

I remembered to bring my camera out to the lake this weekend and was able to get some of my family to cooperate with some updated family photos. I didn't get a chance to do some fishing it was more of a laze around the lake, take a few naps and a whole lot of good eating...I just love the idea as a family we can all get together every weekend just like my childhood was when I was growing up...Aunts, Uncles, Cousins everywhere and a lot of good friends that have become family...I hope my children end up cherishing these kind of weekends memories as they grow up and have families of their own.

Me and My guy.....Ü.....notice the lovely radiation burn to my forehead! Dr. Nuke wrote me a prescription that should have the burn cleared up in a week......my 15 year old son gets so upset when I have the bandage off that he just hugs me a lot and says how bad he feels for me...He can be so sweet when he wants to be! lol

Next two pics are of My Middle Daughter Amanda and her boyfriend plus my youngest daughter Rachel that ya can't see along with my Niece on the back of the paddle boat and then My oldest Daughter Melissa and her husband Tony ( who wasn't thrilled with the camera flash! lol) and their two "Children".....my grand dogs Beefy and Blu! lol

kmh 2007

Life is good and I am blessed!

Tags: family, lake, radiation burn

Mary said.......

2007-06-05T14:04:00.000-07:00

Have someone take some pictures of the beautiful you, okay? ~Mary
#15 Comment from frankandmary - 6/4/07 10:23 AM

So this is for Mary! lol

That is me at 4 years of age second on the left... my Sister Kelly is to my right with my Brother Michael right behind me....the other kids were from the block I spent part of my childhood on I think I lived there from my 4th year until I turned 10. I was blessed having the best babysitter a child could have...I call her M.O.M (My Other Mother) My Mom and Lilly have been best friends for over 40 years. Not only did she watch my Mom's 3 kids, she had 5 boys of her own and then had a baby girl, plus she had at least 1 or 2 other kids throughout the year.......talk about Sainthood! lol

The other lil boy on the far right is her youngest son Bobby, we were just under a year apart and we were the most mischievous, most catch us if you can kind of kids there were! (I'm sure that didn't surprise that many of you! lol)

We painted each other head to toe with garage paint (beige), we set of fireworks in their apartment, we used to put sweet tarts candies into warm soda bottles and watch them spray up to the kitchen ceiling...we were so BAD! He convinced me one time that those lil bottles of liquid "HEET" were perfume and lipstick.......can you say burn baby burn??? lol He also told me that if I let him put a whole bottle of hair tonic in my already long hair that by morning it would be down to me feet...it was already passed my butt.......both out Mothers spent half the night shampooing, drying, powdering my hair and repeating.....ended up with yet another pixie hair cut the next day! lol

Funny thing is Bobby never had children and I ended up with 4 of them! lol So I got all the paybacks and Bobby got away scott free! lol I was able to spend a couple of hours with my second family over the weekend and it was so good to walk down memory lane.... I smiled and laughed so much my cheeks were sore and life can't get any better than that!

Tags: childhood revisited

Went fishing! Or at least tried to! lol

2007-06-04T06:04:00.000-07:00

I spent the whole weekend out at the lake! And even thought I spent the weekend out at the lake my attempt at fishing had Jim untangling my lines all weekend, getting my lures out of trees, getting my line un snagged from the bottom of the lake.....It's a good thing he has more patience with me the cancer patient than the fisher woman in me! lol

My youngest Daughter turned sweet (sarcastic) 16 over the weekend and it was nice to get the whole family and friends to help celebrate it with us....She spent most of the time doing her behind the wheel hours with my relatives....(Thank God) I took her out once and had to come back home 10 minutes later and take two Xanax and go to bed....like I don't have enough stress at this time right??? lol

I wanted to show you the mask I had to wear for my 15 rounds of whole brain radiation...I was strapped to the table by just my head and it was a lil freaky but I am very thankful that it was very brief...under a minute and a half....what helped me go to a happy place was running my fingers over the tiles that many of you donated to with the help of Ang and The Giving Tree .....I can't tell you how much comfort I got just from running my fingers over and over the tiles.......You truly are angels in my life and I will forever be grateful and always remember to pass along the kindness that I have been shown since becoming ill last summer!

My lovely mask! lol

The Charm Bracelet

I'm finally feeling well enough to want to start running around with my camera, so I did get a cute picture to share in my other journal, take a peek if ya wanna.

Photographic Memories

Tags: whole brain radiation, fishing, sweet 16, chemo angels

Everybody Happy Dance with me!!!!

2007-05-31T08:13:00.000-07:00

I had a great check up with Dr. Serious yesterday! Yahoooooooo!
Cancer marker tests were down 10 points.......any reduction is a welcome relief! lol Also my lungs are in no need of a future lung tap......can I get an amen on that one?? lol I will be having a thoracic CT/Scan in a couple of weeks to see if the tumors in my lungs have shrunk significantly to make sure the Xeloda Chemo is working it's magic.....then another Brain MRI in about 6 weeks to see if the tumor that is there is gone all together and then I will be a good candidate for a chemo booster they wanted me on before but because of the brain tumor it was too risky for a stroke....crossing fingers that I am able to do the booster!!!!

SIDE NOTE --Forgot to add that I started my 3 round of the Xeloda Chemo this morning too and I have lost a lil bit of hearing in both ears due to the Whole Brain radiation...keeps the teenage noise level down to bearable....side effects will wear off in a few weeks! lol

Every day that gets me farther from last Friday strengthens my life force .....it's amazing how much better I feel and I have energy to spare now. I will not over load myself......Jim won't let me for one, but I actually have done lots of laundry and shopping and I even cooked dinner last night......food is no longer my enemy! lol And did I mention a bowl of Moose tracks (ice cream) last night didn't hurt! lol

I wanted to show you how much my hair had grown before the radiation took it all away again....funny how only the lil stubborn gray/white hairs stayed! Grrrrr! Jim said my hair looked fiber optic because the ends were still blonde but the roots came in darker! I thought I took on a more schnauzer look myself! lol lol lol

The other two girls are my partners in crime....they went with me for my appointment yesterday...and they were making fun of me how I can't walk a straight line yet and how my words seems to escape me from time to time...so I called them Dirty Rat Bass Turds and said, "Hey you try walking around with a brain tumor and then tell me how easy it is!!!" Even Doctor Serious laughed out loud on that one and then left the room for a minute and then poked his head back in the door and asked again. "What did you just call your girlfriends?" I repeated DIRTY RAT BASS TURDS!! He laughed again and left the room............I think personally we made his day! lol lol lol

It's a great day to be alive and I ain't missing another moment of it!

The picture above was to give you an idea how fast my hair grew back from my last chemo (first round) which was January 2, 2007 until my last round of whole brain radiation a week ago. If I knew how many brain cells I would have had to sacrifice now I think I wouldn't of been such a wild child during my teens! MY BAD!!! lol lol lol

Me, Mar and Michelle ( I think this was taken over a month and a half ago.........chemo brain, radiation brain, blonde moment, bald moment I have lots of excuses now! lol lol lol)

Tags: living with cancer

Good thing it's waterproof mascara! lol

2007-05-29T14:40:00.000-07:00

Here I sat all smug that I went 2 whole days without a tear slipping away from me........then my J-land Angels arrive all boxed up neatly with the prayers and wishes to make all bad and scary things disappear here on earth......Mary, Stephanie, Nancy, Rebecca, Kathy, Mary Jo, Carlene and Christina....Tears of love, tears of joy, tears of compassion from people worlds away from each other....You are angels among many of us and I am so appreciative that our paths were meant to pass and that we have each other to share "Life" with!

I hope your hearts can feel how much love I have for all of you! I feel every good wish, every prayer sent my way, I feel all good vibes and great healing....I love you all! every lurker, every new reader, every dear old friend before I got sick....I had a great mentor on how to do this right, with grace and dignity and to share with all that may need to take something away from what I write....Pam (just one girls head noise) and Lahoma who for the brave shared her own experience with BC and dared to show the aftermath of her double Mastectomy if it helped or reminded one person do their "damn mammogram!" lol

We teach each other so many things, but what we all walk away with is a sense of life is good and we are blessed!

Happy just to be.......

2007-05-29T10:43:00.000-07:00

I can't tell you how much "life" has been brought back to me since my last radiation on Friday.....I remember on New Years Eve and we were all together at the drop of midnight and I just flew into my Brother's arms and cried and cried....I was so happy that I could put that part of my life behind me......4 months of chemo and I kept saying to myself......New Years Eve and this will be all over with....didn't work out that way after all but it was a good symbolism of coming in and out of everything I had go through last year.

I have felt so lifeless during my three weeks of whole brain radiation............kinda just breathed in, and breathed out....didn't have any more energy to do more than that. I spent this weekend out at the lake and even though I needed lots of naps in between, I had fun at the luau, was even able to sip a lil frozen rum runner down my throat and finally my appetite came back....it was an all protein weekend and my body responded by feeling stronger each day.........I actually woke up yesterday with a big ole smile that I couldn't take off my face if I wanted to! I had been an emotional wreck the whole 3 weeks of rads.......cry at the drop of a hat, had a butterfly land on me and sent me over the edge with just the sheer unexpected joy of it trusting me so much.

I feel a renewed strength coming back to me, I was a lil worried that it wasn't going to return, I couldn't get over how exhausted I was, 24/7.....but I can feel this new energy swelling up my heart and my spirit and it's about to bust all over!!! lol

Thank you all again for holding me up when I was to weak to take on the fight and for all the love sent my way....I owe you all so much and I love the J-Land community...YOU GUYS ROCK! lol lol lol

Nap time again.....I didn't have my camera out this past weekend but I'm sure I'll get some pictures from the people who did bring camera's and I will share with you all....

A peacock without plumage! lol

2007-05-24T07:22:00.000-07:00

So this is me again....the day after letting my hair scatter to all four winds that blew that day....I have been going out without head covering in hopes that other people who are self conscious about something about themselves say a BIG ...."SO WHAT?" It is not the size and shapes of our bodies that defines us....it is who we are in our hearts and the hearts of those that love us that determines our true character and self worth.

Your self worth is what you deem upon yourself...........carry yourself high and others will follow suit....be strong and other will see you strong, be compassionate and others will show compassion....

Life is good and I am blessed and I am thankful for every moment. It is not the cancer that causes me to weep, it is the love that I receive unconditionally, from family, friends and strangers that I have only met in my heart....the simple, loving bond of human connection is what fills my heart as well as my eyes with tears....you are all so precious to me and I love you dearly!

Lovingly,

Kimberleigh

Paying it forward!

2007-05-24T05:43:00.000-07:00

I recently was asked to pay it forward for a lil boy who lives in Ontario, Canada...he is only 7 years old and I did check it out on Snopes.com first. He has Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia....his wish is for lots of Birthday cards and wishes and if you can find it in your heart please take the time to show this little boy, a Mother's Son a little of what the J-Land community and American's with hearts can do in making a few wishes come true.

His birthday is coming up............you lifted me when I was weary, can you lift little Shane too? Thanks Kelly for passing on lil Shanes story!

I will add the information that I did on Snopes.com, It's my time to pay it forward to a warrior smaller than me....but who has tremendous amount of his own courage!

Urban Legends Reference Pages: Shane Bernier

Also I will add Shanes Wish page

Shane's Wish

Side note: I am battling a war that I did not sign up for, mine is no noble cause...I fight for personal reasons, such as more time with my Jim and my loved ones.........the true hero's out in this world are our American Soldiers, they signed up for this fight, to keep our country free, to keep our liberties free.....they fight for the Red, White and Blue....they fight for me and you! They are the truest of hero's and have been generation after generations and I am very proud to have come from a very military family.....Both sides of my family as well as both sides of my husbands family.....GOD BLESS and keep our soldiers safe and God willing bring them home soon!

Some kind of freedom.....

2007-05-22T14:12:00.000-07:00

Well, I just spent the last hour sitting outside under one of our tall birch tree's plucking my head hairless......With my Youngest Daughter Rachel by my side and Jim and lil Jimmy checking in on me telling me that I am beautiful and not having hair makes no difference....made for a quiet acceptance that I am once again bald.....a few tears fell but with a few hugs from my baby girl, the trials and tribulations seem sacred. There is a freedom knowing that you are going to lose your hair (once again) and knowing that it will come back again when it's ready. I chose not to buzz it, but let it come out at the root as to with the hopes that if it all came out follicle and all at the same time, it might just grow back in at the same pace instead of here there and everywhere......weird part is that just at the nape of my neck where the radiation didn't reach that hair won't pull out with a crow bar....I have fringe! lol

I'll post a new pic with my bad, bald self soon.....Rachel told me my eyes are even more beautiful when I don't have hair.........how cute is she??? What a sight we must of been sitting on the bench grooming myself like a baboon, letting the wind carry my hair where ever the four winds blow...I feel at peace now knowing that it's all over and new hair can start coming back.

One tired Pink Warrior....battles on!

2007-05-22T05:48:00.000-07:00

Again it seems my words and thoughts might fail me, but I'm gonna try to get an entry out anyway....again being stubborn pays off! lol

Saturday was spent out at the lake enjoying watching my friends and family live each moment without a care in the world which helps me to forget some of my cares too....if only for a little while. I socialize when I can, I rest when I need to and I need those days out in the fresh air....even if I get the chills in temperatures in the high 70's...I have no problem sitting by the lake all wrapped up like I'm going to the Chicago Bears game in mid January! lol

I like being on the oral chemo (Xeloda) much better than the AC & T that I had to have through an IV every two weeks at the cancer center...this stuff doesn't bring you to deaths door, but I will be feeling much better come Friday when I have my last radiation...then I think I get a week off, then a new brain MRI to see if that tumor has shrunk, become dormant or has left the building all together! lol No tumor could mean all cancer cells floating around my brain could all be nonexistant too! I promise I will have Jim take a picture of me and my mask on the radiation table my last time around...then you can also see how much hair has grown back before it leaves it's place of residency again! lol

This past Sunday I was able to run my fingers through my hair and see the beginning of my hair loss again....We still haven't told Jim's family that I have been sick all this time, we are going to wait until the family reunion or shortly before to let them know....we decided since they didn't handle it very well the first time around we will let them enjoy these past few months with peace in their hearts. By the time I see them again I will be bald and neither one of them could handle seeing me that way so Goldylocks was forever worn in their presence....small, itchy inconvenience on my part.

Last week My Baby Boy turned 15....I have lost all vision of his sweet baby face....he had a fantastic weekend....caught a rather large Walleye out at the lake (catch and release) and when on a 3D archery hunt with the grown men and outshoot almost all of them......except for his Daddy of course.....so right now I have two fifteen year olds until next month when Rachel turns 16.......did I mention that she has her permit and in Illinois you have to have 50 hours behind the wheel with your permitted child?? There isn't enough XANAX to get me through all that.....so my family has been pitching in and white knuckle driving with the child.........like I don't already have enough stress in my life huh??? lol lol lol

Tags: Finding the right cancer treatment, Stage IV Breast Cancer

Better Days are coming!

2007-05-18T23:24:00.000-07:00

So much to tell so little brain function available to put it all down in words so forgive me for any "What?" you might come across....lol!

I am finding doing oral chemo and whole brain radiation a bit more taxing on my mind this time then before on just the chemo...nuff said about that, so all I want to do is daze in and out of sleep Monday through Friday which I am blessed to be able to do....sometimes it's hard being a stay at home goddess! <smirk>

Last Wednesday I reached my half way point on radiation and met with Dr. Nuke and went over the problems I was experiencing while being nuked....food became an enemy and I now weigh less that my Driver's License says I do! Give me an amen on that everyone! lol In my grand schemes of things or my irrational thinking of why I am going through everything I am going through is I BETTER get a long remission in able to finally feel comfortable to strut my stuff down here on earth before passing on to my next appointment! Whatever works for motivation on the days I need it works for me right?? lol
I was put on steroids for some minor brain swelling due to whole brain radiation, which will also take care of my dry heaves, loss of appetite and loss of energy....so go steroids!

I also met with Dr. Serious who was none to thrilled over my latest tumor marker test and even less pleased with my latest chest x -ray....fluid was building back up under my left lung and I was ordered to go down stairs to out patient and have another chest x-ray which warranted for me to go back into the hospital for an out patient lung tap again.....last time they drained 600 cc's of fluid out of my lungs this time 1300 cc's but the good news in all this is the largest tumor in my right lung did show a slight decrease in size after only one dose of the new oral chemo drug called Xeloda...............so go ME!!!! If the big one shrunk they are assuming that the middle ones and little ones and the lesion might vanish all together as treatment goes on! Everybody happy dance with me! After my lung tap I was able to go with my best friends Michelle and Mar out to a late lunch in an out door lunch cafe and it felt so good to be out in the warm fresh air after 2 weeks of nothing but bed rest...my life's battery got a jump start on feeling better and knowing that I only have the one more week of radiation brought back a little bit of my warrior spark....which I desperately went inside seeking to find.

My hair should start falling out any day now, and if it starts to overwhelm me I will let my Brother have the honor of shaving it all off instead of watching it fall out slowly....buzzing it give me the power over my hair loss not the whole brain radiation...I get some extra warrior strength at being in charge of that instead of the treatment.

I was finally able to reach the spot deep inside myself to be able to express what I am feeling this time around and once I found the words it became easier to deal with....what I learned was that even though I have the utmost trust and respect in my medical staff and the utmost respect and trust in the cancer center that is treating me, but what I am lacking this time around is having blind trust in the treatment this time around considering I did everything on time and as planned the first time around to only find out that it did absolutely nothing for me...my body didn't respond to the treatment that it has done for millions of other breast cancer patients....so trusting with blind faith that this treatment will be the one that works I am finding my self struggling to believe in that whole heartedly and most understand as to why...once I knew what it was that was bothering me I had a quick change around and started to feel better emotionally and I needed that.

Next week is my last (I hope) of radiation and I am looking forward to that date more than you know.......one more treatment under my belt once less bad/sad experience I can let go of....if I look back and go over every stumbling block that I had to over come I would be so overwhelmed and paralyzed to take the next step forward so I never look back over what I have accomplished so far throughout this ordeal and in doing so it lets me take one moment by moment of each day and to be able to warrior through it to give me another tomorrow.

Next I would like to thank Angie from over at the Giving Tree and all the special angels that contributed to my special bracelet of hope...it arrived just in time to wear it to my nuke appointment and it gave me great strength while fingering each slide on there while undergoing treatment it gave me such strength just when I needed it....your love and caring for me reaches many miles all the way to my heart and I thank you!

Mary your card and quick notes always hit the right spot with me...I giggle and feel the hugs with each card.........Jeanne youare so very special to me because of your belief in my over coming this battle re ignites me just when I need it the most...to all my other chemo/cancer angels who leave prayers, best wishes and good karma carry me many more days than you will every know and I will never be able to tell you how much that means to me!

The trickle down effect of all this goodwill sent through J-Land is extraordinary and the ripple effect reaches far and wide and finds ways into other people hearts, other people lifes and other people problems that it gives a quiet ripple effect that reaches far and wide....I often get asked about how easily I find sharing my personal cancer journey with every friend and new stranger that stumbles across my blog and I always say that to have lived, learned and experienced everything I have gone through so far, to keep it under lock and key would only show how shallow of a humanitarian I would be if I kept all this to myself to wallow in self pity instead of putting it ALL out there to help the next person whose path is meant to cross mine and mine is meant to cross theirs to make their burden a lil less heavy and to take load off of mine from time to time....reaching out and helping the next person who needs a lil guidance has brought me tremendous peace and a new calling once I kick this cancer ass this time around.

I hope my drug induced words that somehow found there way into thoughts makes some sense to someone and gives others the insight that they need to be the caretakers, family and friends of those who are going through a life changing illness....when I am strong I want to help the next person that crosses my path and is meant to cross that path and when I am weak I let all of you carry me until I am strong enough to carry myself again....what a wonderful full circle that give me and strengthens me at the same time.

I promise once I finish up my last round of radiation, and an additional week to recover from that.... the old warrior will emerge and I will share everything in a more timely fashion........in the meantime take care of yourselves and each other!

Love,

Kimberleigh

Tags: xeloda, steroids, chest x-rays, finding inner peace, counting my blessings, living with cancer

Coping with cancer...at least I think I am

2007-05-11T12:01:00.000-07:00

I think I am finally dealing with the betrayal of my cancer never leaving my body, I gave a breast, I gave my life's blood and I went through 4 months of hell called chemotherapy.....I did it for me, my Jim, my Kids and my Family and friends....I did it because I believed that I could be one the lucky ones that only had to deal with this once in my lifetime....I found out way toooo soon that this was not to be true.

Here I was barely 3 months out of treatment and all the time the cancer cells were multiplying and multiplying...then after a 6 day stay in the hospital I find out that it has already spread to my lungs, my spine and my brain.....I do not ask "Why Me?" There is no answer to that question....what I am having a hard time understanding is why is it trying so hard to take me from those I love? With cancer there are only two sides to fall on.....the ones that live after their diagnosis and the ones that don't.....I thought I knew which side I was going to land on....I am struggling so hard this time around emotionally......I am a strong woman, I know that...what I am having a hard time doing is going deeper for more of my fighting nature to keep battling with the strength that I did in the beginning....before it was just a breast, now it's every breath I take, it's the broken thought processes that I am now experiencing, it's the fear that every pain I feel I think to myself is that cancer? has it spread to that part of me too?

I have to admit I am weaker this time around but that does NOT mean I am giving up, I am just staying in my head a lil longer than usual....there (in my head) is where I remember who I am and where I came from and all that I have had to endure to get me to where I am today....that is where I find the warrior in me....give me some time and I will find her again....right now I need to just be quiet, just be still and rest. There are quite a number of reasons I am exhausted....cancer itself for one, chemo (again) radiation and every smell makes me want to get sick...nothing sounds good enough for me to eat, so when I do eat I am making healthier choices.....plenty of fresh fruit, raw vegetables, for protein I eat string cheese and to make sure I get enough vitamins and nutrients I am drinking slim fasts.

Today I will complete my first week of radiation.....I hate it because for a few minutes I am strapped to a table by my face and head under a mask, but once that machine kicks on and I hear the noise that the radiation or machine makes I feel like jumping up and screaming die you bastards die......not the tech's....the cancer cells! lol Today is also my first whole day off of chemo....I get a week off and then probably back on again for two weeks. I hope I get some of my strength back this weekend....all I want to do now is sleep on and off all day, so I do.

I want this treatment to work this time.......they say after cancer all you have left is hope.....I don't want hope if it's false hope, I don't want the rest of my life to always be about treatment....I want some of the joy and the happiness that I had before cancer...when I am sick...I am weak, but I still throw those pills down my throat twice a day, I still show up for the radiation, I still make and keep all Doctor appointments and I still want to kick cancers ass. Right now I need time to rest, time for my family...if I don't return a phone call or an email or a two way, it's not that you aren't important to me because you all are, you're my rocks.....it's just that I need time in my safe place....my head and Jim's arms.

This is my journey, this is my life.

Taking a break....

2007-05-08T13:33:00.000-07:00

Thank you everyone that has showed such love and compassion to my family and myself...you are truly angels among my family.

I am having a hard time having to go through all this again so soon from the last time, it's all still to fresh in my head and I need to go inside myself for a few days to gather more strength, I am so very tired, I can't think, I can't write I don't have the strength right now to do that so I need to shut down for a few days. I did start my radiation Monday and I will be getting a week off of chemo starting Thursday afternoon...I am hoping I get a little reprieve from the fatigue, the dry heaves, the not so dry heaves and the body aches.

I promise I'll write when I can....you all mean so much to me!

Love,

Kimberleigh

It's a great day to be alive!

2007-05-06T06:37:00.000-07:00

I met with Dr. Nuke Friday morning and I was assured once again that I really do like her Doctoring style! lol We once again went over what whole brain radiation is and what the risks are and I am comfortable with everything. She asked me if I ever wore a football helmut before......Hmmmmm can't say for sure if I have, she laughed and said that is the part of my head that will be nuked, all that would be covered by a football helmut....so since my face won't be nuked I get to keep my eyebrows and eyelashes....vain as it is, they help define a face when there is no hair....I can do bald again, no problem and just as I finish up with my last nuke my hair should start to fall out.....go figure! lol lol lol

They asked me if I was claustrophobic, I am not, they asked if I ever had a mask made of my face...ohhhh I feel a slight bit of panic there, I said no, never had a mask made of my face....they asked if I ever had Ativan...nope to that question too! lol So they give me two of the tiniest pills I have ever seen and next thing you know I am one stoned woman, they asked if I needed assistance while we walked down the hall to the room they were going to 'mask' me and scan me and I said no thank you I have been to plenty of happy hours! They laughed and I giggled, Jim just held my hand tighter! lol

Thank God I took them up on the offer of the Ativan! Even though the mask is open and airy, kinda like a mesh laundry bag it was heavy and wet when they put it on my face, since my eyes were covered with gauze I couldn't see how "netty" the material was and when they first put it on my face I panicked wondering why aren't they poking holes where my nose and mouth is.......duh it was a net! But if felt as if someone who was tossing a pizza dough around in the air landed on my face...it took about 10 minutes for it to mold and harden on my face...but boy did that Ativan knock me on my butt, don't remember lunch out with Jim, don't remember talking to Rachel and Jimmy but I do remember saying Hi to my Middle daughter and her friend who had stopped by and next thing I know Jim is waking me up 4 hours later because he was worried! lol I could of slept for weeks! lol lol lol

Tomorrowat 9:00 I will be having my first Rad, I won't be taking any Ativan...the nuke procedure is only 2 minutes long, if I panic with the mask on tomorrow I will ask for only 1 Ativan Tuesday....I don't want to sleep the next three weeks away!

Yesterday I only needed to take half of a pain pill and today I am still pain free......that is a beautiful thing considering they sent me home with a war chest of pain killers...Both Dr. Serious and Dr. Nuke think this is a very good sign....that this chemo is doing what it is supposed to and the tumors and lesions in my lungs aren't producing any more fluid so breathing is an easy thing for me once again.

Life........I like it, I love it, I want some more of it! lol lol lol

To be soooo loved! Ü

2007-05-03T12:28:00.000-07:00

I met with Dr. Serious this afternoon and both he and I agree that me feeling so well so fast very well could be an early indication that the Xeloda is doing is stuff! Ü... Yesterday I went with Jim to the Orthopedic Specialist to check on his leg injury and thank God it's just a really bad contusion (bruise) They gave him a flexible leg brace to wear on his leg when he has to stand and that can easily be pulled down to the ankle when he is sitting and be taken off completely while asleep...Thank You all for Jim's prayers!

I felt so good yesterday afternoon Jim and I took an old dear friend of mine out for an early dinner so she could see I looked and felt great....that was the time Jim informed me how bad I looked at the hospital....I of course blamed it on the lighting! lol Who looks good in fluorescent lighting anyway?? lmaooooo After lunch we picked up my new meds...I was a lil shocked to see all the pain meds...morphine patches, liquid morphine for when I need instant relief and then a huge bottle of vicodin....I swear if I end up winning this battle with cancer it will be a miracle if I don't pick up a drug addiction along the way! lol lol lol I only take what I need, when I need it so no worries there! lol lol lol....Jim says I am quite entertaining at times!

Tomorrow I meet with my newest Doctor to join my medical army...I liked her the moment I met her...she see's the urgency to get started immediately... she shall now be known as Dr. Nuke lol! (Radiation Oncologist) I told all my Doctors when I was in the hospital and given the news that it had spread even faster then they anticipated that I am no longer going to wait for anything....they are all in agreement and that gives me a great deal of peace of mind! My hair should start falling out in 2 weeks, of course by then I will only have one more week of rads (radiation) but such is life huh? I truly am Ok with this...I hope the facial hair blonde as it is falls out too! lol....getting tired of looking in the mirror and seeing Elvis side burns...very blonde but very ewwwww! lmaooooo

We ended up going by Jay and Annettes house last night (both mine and Jim's best friends) it was a long day but I soooo needed to be out of the house and socialize although there were many a party my 6 days at the hospital! lol lol lol

Today we both rest and that sounds lovely! Thank you for all the heartfelt words of love and encouragement....I AM A WARRIOR! lol lol lol

Tags: Xeloda, radiation, living with cancer, pain management

It's good to be home!

2007-05-02T10:41:00.000-07:00

Just another bump in my road....Wednesday April 24th I started to feel myself get short of breath and a very slight pain in my sternum by Thursday afternoon I could hardly breath and the pain became intense so I called Dr. Serious and they told me to go to the ER...I didn't get home until the following Tuesday afternoon.

When they compared my newest lung scan (from the ER) to my Pet Scan done earlier in the month there were several changes taking place in my lungs, it's now all through both lungs and the pain I was feeling and the shortness of breath was because fluid was building up between my chest wall and my lungs...so much fluid that my lungs were floating in it...when this fluid was tested it was loaded with cancer cells...so they did a tap, a needle into the fluid sac and drained the fluid, I received immediate relief with the first needle draw.....yahoooo for me! lol

I already had a brain MRI and a thoracic MRI scheduled for that following Friday but because that was the day they were doing the fluid drain I had to wait until Saturday....no biggie, I'm already stuck in the hospital anyway. The MRI's revealed that I have a very tiny tumor in the brain and even though it's very small it has all the characteristics of cancer...we all know now that we can't wait on anything....I went from having a little bit of cancer in my lungs to a lot of cancer in my lungs in a few short weeks and we are not taking that chance with the brain now so I will be starting radiation this coming Monday. I will have if Monday through Friday for 3 weeks, the good news is that I can still take my oral chemo through all of this and that should clear up the lungs and the spot on my spine...the oral chemo can't penetrate the brain so that is why I have to have full head radiation....they are not only going after the small tumor but they are not leaving any chances for any cancer cells to remain active in my brain either.....we are going to zap all of those little buggers! I am thrilled that they aren't leaving anything to chance even though I will once again be the 'Hot bald chick!" lol I would rather lose my hair (again) than my life right now so I am giving it all I got once again! God it's good to be stubborn! I am sure there were many days in my childhood that both my parents wished I wasn't so head strong, strong willed and stubborn but it's a big pay off now right Momma??? lol

So the Silver linings in all this mess...I didn't need to come home with oxygen, it's only a teeny tiny tumor on the brain and a teeny tiny lesion on the spine, and the fluid has not built back up again due to the oozing of the lesions in my lungs so that is an early indication that my oral chemo (Xeloda) is doing its stuff, I only get a little winded now and I am now on a morphine patch and I am pain free....again I asked my Oncologist's if they still can get me into remission with all this new stuff taking place and on two different occasions with two different Oncologist's they both said they had no doubt they could as long as we are on the right chemo drugs....and so far my intuition tells me I am....I am barely coughing anymore so that too is an early indication that my lungs don't seem to be under so much duress, every day I can breath deeper and deeper without coughing or pain and I am one appreciative patient!

Thank you for all your uplifting comments, the cards and gifts you all are such special angels protecting me while I fight this battle.....I must have pretty good karma to have all of you in my life!

I'm off to take my Jim to an Orthopedic Surgeon, that stubborn man hurt himself the same day I had to go to the ER and now he might have to have surgery due to something being torn in the back of his leg under his knee cap....send a prayer up for My Guy...he has taken such good care of me now it's my turn to return the love and the favor!

Life is good and I ain't about to give up now! lol lol lol

I'm home!!! lol

2007-05-01T13:21:00.000-07:00

I am finally home and I was able to take a long nap in my own bed, side by side with my Jim....We are both exhausted! I will update you all with everything very soon but right now I just need to catch up on some rest....hospitals are not very good for that! lol

A million MUAHHHHS and a million Thank You's to everyone here in J-Land! We are told over and over that the Internet is a scary and dangerous place......you guys ain't so scary are you!?!?! lol lol lol What a wonderful community we have here in J-Land filled with the best people with the biggest hearts....I adore so many of you and each and everyone of you that has reached out to me and my family during all this craziness...brings tears of love to my eyes...you all have touched me so deeply and carried me when I was weary and I'll always love you all so very much for that!

Love,

FOOD FIGHT!!! lol

2007-04-26T06:21:00.000-07:00

Another late night talk, face to face with My Jim.....This man knows me so well! lol lol lol

Recently my Brother made a total ass of himself at my SIL's expense while out in a very nice restaurant in the Burbs of Chicago...let's just say his temper overshot his table manners and somehow the Woman that was sitting behind my SIL ended up wearing my SIL's dinner...let me digress for a moment....

When I started therapy over 13 years ago....I was asked if mental illness ran in the family...sucha loaded question for this crazy extended family of mine....I said, "Let's just put it this way...I'm the only one ready to admit that fact right now!" lol lol lol And so far I am the only one that has ever sought help to heal childhood wounds....among other things.... so, two years of therapy, two years of Prozac and I'm all better now! lol lol lol

So while my Brother was apologizing to this poor woman who ended up being target practice for the night....My Brother and my SIL took the fight home....none of my business...they both choose to stay together...so therefor deal with each other.

So I am laying in bed with Jim the other night letting that scenario play over and over in my head ( I just recently learned about it via the SIL) and I asked Jim..."What would you have done if someone threw their dinner and it accidentally hit me?" He is very protective of me....always has been, but then again he knows me so well....so after I see a smirk cross his face I said, "What is so funny Pal?" He said, "I would have had to go over there and peel you off of him!!" I laughed so hard it hurt because that would be sooooo true!!!

By the time Jim would have reacted I would have been all over that man! lol lol lol Let's just say my reaction time is just a wee bit quicker than my Jims but then again so is my temper! lol lol lol

Winded just relaying all yesterdays info! lol

2007-04-25T05:45:00.000-07:00

Oh vey! So much info from yesterday...I'll try not to make this entry as long as my day was yesterday!

First off, the Male Nurse named Derek who was trying to draw blood from my port couldn't get a drop out of me...We tried every angle possible in a chair that can tip your head lower than your feet..I swear if I didn't know better I looked pretty much like a porn star is some of those positions! lol Turn on this side, then that side then this arm up over my head, then that one...Good Lord they would of made for some interesting pictures...Derek finally gave up and had another nurse take the blood the good ole fashioned way..through a vein that finally cooperated!

Then it was off to see Dr. Serious...my first question was "What didn't work? Was it the chemo itself of the Tomaxifen?" He said, "probably both"...then I asked, "Does that happen a lot?" I was told very rarely. Great....I just have to be difficult! lol As far as the chemo plan this time it will be in the pill form, the drug is called Xeloda....but I was unable to start it yesterday because your typical drug store doesn't carry this drug and it would take days for them to order it...I don't want to wait for anything at this point...so they (Dr's) deal with a company that does all the leg work for both the Dr's and the Patients and it will be delivered to my home sometime today or no later than tomorrow....side effects? 3 serious ones which I am to call Dr. Serious immediately of I experience either of them.

1: Diarrhea (my warped thinking oh yeah more weight loss..BONUS! 2: Mouth sores.....still thinking weight loss..I know I'm twisted! lol
3: Hand and Foot disease....not looking forward to that! Had that with a round of chemo last time....burning and blistering of hands and feet...still had a bit of the chits and giggle with the name though..sounds like Mad Cow Disease to me! lol lol lol

He also stated that recent studies have shown this drug is more effective given one week on then one week off....so that is what I will be doing for 2 months....I'll see him again in the month to check up on me...there is also another drug that really boosts the hell out of the chemo drug but I have to have a Brain MRI first to make sure that there isn't any evidence of cancer in my brain....it could cause bleeding if cancer is found there...the drugs name is Avastin...it's an antibody that blocks the blood supply to the tumors and kills them off. If the brain MRI comes back clean then I will have Avastin every 3 weeks intravenously....I can handle that! I also have to have a Thoracic MRI to check for cancer in the spine...I am having some pain and that could mean something is interfering with a nerve...that would be bad news so let's hope there isn't any evidence of disease in my brain and my spine. Back to back MRI's scheduled for this Friday afternoon...I'm gonna be in that MRI machine so long they will probably charge me rent that day! lol

I asked Dr. Serious point blank.....Do you think you can get me into remission...he was very confident that he could because of the abundance of treatments to try...he doesn't make statements like that unless he truly feels it....So after our meeting Jim, My Mom and myself felt a little bit better...I had dinner out with Mar and Michelle and we laughed till I hurt....good times! lol lol lol

Oh yeah.....one more thing....YIKES on the Xeloda cost...I was told it's like 2 grand a prescription! Thank God for insurance...$10 bucks co-pay here!!!

I will be having a total jammie day today....it's raining, I'm really wiped out, but my intuition is very calm at this point...that's a very good sign! And the kids have only half a day....so much for peace and quiet huh?? lol lol lol

Thanks for your love and your support and for my silent readers that have introduced themselves to me.....Isn't J-Land AWESOME!!!!!

Tags: Xeloda, Avastin, Thoracic MRI, Brain MRI, Chemo, Stage IV Breast Cancer, Chemo resistant

Insanity has it's privileges..or perks...or is it quirks?? lol

2007-04-24T05:12:00.000-07:00

I ended up having a caffeine rush so intense that I didn't leave the house yesterday to meet friends for drinks and dinner, instead I am doing some kind of mad "nesting"...a term that many Mother's will understand exactly...so I ran my oxygen depleted butt up and down the stairs all day long doing laundry...who knew my Son's room was going to be an exercise in itself just to get to all the dirty clothes that have piled up...I have a full bag of clothes to give to a friend who has a younger son than mine, I have 3 full bags of clothes to drop off at the good will and I had a sore body! lol

Dinner time rolls around and Jim gets the call from the lake the crappies are hitting as well as the large mouth bass...fish? time with the wife? fish? time with the wife?....oh let's drag the wife out to the lake too....I was a disgruntled housewife and went under duress.....did I catch any fish??? NO! But I did manage to hook some very large trees, 2 to be exact and I did remove quite a bit of lake debris, like large branches....I did get some comedy relief watching the DH almost fall out of the boat while standing on his toes to release my line from one of the trees...GOD forbid I lose a new lure....something called a blade dancer! I got your blade dancer darling! lol lol lol

Thank God one of my Girlfriends was there so we decided since I was starting chemo we needed to toast to that with a bottle of champagne...normally it's this friends that we toast to everything with a bottle of tequila...but champagne was definitely in order...I had one glass and suddenly I didn't feel like such a hostage at the lake...gotta love your best girlfriends! lol lol lol

In about 2 hours I will start a new chemo treatment plan....crossing my fingers that this one will work this time...I am chomping at the bit to get started...I want to begin so I know when it will end...sucha control freak I know! lol I know nothing of this new treatment, it's side effects or duration...that will all be explained to me while visiting with Dr. Serious after the blood draw and before the chemo....least it won't be as intense as the AC&T route!

So with my warped sense of humor the only thing that is going through my mind is........."What to wear? What to wear?" lol lol lol Oh yes even a bald chick with small sprouts of hair can still be a Fashionista Diva!!! Pink for Breast Cancer or cammo for the lil warrior in me.....decisions! decisions! Well, at least we know it won't be a hair situation...I will post a recent pick of me with my lush quarter inch to half inch of hair soon! lol lol lol It first started to come in resembling a schnauzer..but with the last few days out in the sun..the tips are starting to look blonde again...My Jim said something about looking "Fiber Optic" Funny guy huh?? lol

Wish me luck!

Love,
K.

Sure do have ups and downs...to be expected I guess! lol

2007-04-23T05:20:00.000-07:00

What a beautiful weekend we had here in Chi-Town! Friday night I had a dinner date with my Jim and he was back in town by 3:00 p.m. I thought I was going to fall apart in his arms but we just held on to one another and looked into each others eyes for awhile...he has the most beautiful green eyes! We had an early dinner and then decided while we are out to go ahead and get a new dryer...our old one lasted almost 15 years (Kenmore Sears) it was time to replace it anyway...while we were at Best Buy we picked up a couple DVD's...one a my favorite all time older funny movies is "The great Outdoor's" With John Candy and Dan Akroyd....between Jim, the kids and me we must of watched it at least 3 times over the weekend...I still laugh in all the same places I did when that movie first came out! lol

Saturday I was struggling quite a lot...I am beginning to cough a lot now (normal for cancer in the lungs) I also lose my breath occasionally now too...I thought I would try to "FAKE" it and go out to the lake, but with every conversation tears would well up all around the campfire and it just got to the point where I couldn't be around people...unfortunately we only had one car out at the lake and I didn't want to stay...I wanted to go home and get in my bed....Jim was out on the lake fishing with my BIL...I knew he needed to have some "I don't want to think about cancer anymore" time and I am sure my BIL also told him if he needed anything to lean on him...they have been best friends since I started dating Jim and my Sister was still dating Steve. So I climbed into my truck and fell asleep...Jim felt so bad when he came off the water, but I know he needed that time on the lake...he brought me home and tucked me into bed at 8:20 p.m.....I know I'm such the party animal lately huh?? lol

Sunday I woke up in pain, I really didn't want to do anything but spend the day in bed sleeping (it's quite the escape when one needs one) but Jim talked me into breakfast and I had 2 cups of coffee and was ready to take on the world instead of taking to my bed! Yeah me!!! lol So out I went to the lake...what a beautiful day...took a ride out on the pontoon with the girlzz which we call the "Booze Cruise" since many of them where hung over and I was not, they were drinking bloody mary's and I was drinking pomegranate juice....I did have a beer much later in the afternoon while I fished (and caught nothing off the dock! lol) I am sooo glad I changed my mind about going out instead of staying in!

Thank you all for your thoughts and your prayers and your best wishes and for those of you that have been reading me for awhile and finally introduced yourselves...every comment left is like a great big ole hug and who doesn't like hugs right???? I am supposed to have an early dinner with another group of girlfriends...I am a bit wiped out today but I'm trying the coffee thing again and hope I get the energy to do so!

Tomorrow I start chemo again....I have an appointment early in the morning so if I am able I will do a quick entry when I get back.

Love to you all!

Kimberleigh

Tears, Fears and Cheers!

2007-04-21T06:44:00.000-07:00

My Jim came home yesterday afternoon and all is right in my world for the moment...blessings come in all sizes and you really need to be keenly aware of them and thankful when they happen. I had to give my Jim my bad news over the phone...at the end of the quick conversation I heard his voice crack....that man has been a rock all of our 21 years together and at least being out of town and alone he was finally able to let loose the grief he has been holding back for my sake.....if he was home or with me he would of been my soft place to land, or something life would provide him with yet another interruption....but alone in that hotel room he finally was free of all of his daily bonds and grieved and I am thankful for that....now we see why he was to be out of town and why I was to go to that Doctors appointment all by myself even though many asked to accompany me.

The oldest of our two children were finally told yesterday afternoon as well as the rest of my larger family...each is having a terrible time dealing with the news....My Melissa is so much like me and pissed as hell and all the "what's next as far as options" My Amanda is the soft soul with the large tears and bigger fears...I am going to see the house she just rented in a few minutes and maybe share some breakfast together...My Rachel, my angry at the world child is hiding her fears, but her Doctor as well as myself has seen through the facade and she is now on anti-depressants....My Son...the little old man trapped in the 14 year old body has taken over the head of household role until his Father came home and on his own cleaned the hell out of my house......all three floors and I am so very grateful...he too tries to hide how this is effecting him, he has always been my worrier..the Doctor now has him on anxiety meds....cancer isn't only effecting my life but everyone that cares and loves me and I hate being responsible for bringing so much pain... but we will all deal and I will be back to my feisty self come Tuesday......I am soooo ready to get this started so I can look at cancer and say, "Na na na na na naaaaaaaa!"

Oh, and of course the universe had to throw in "let's break her clothes dryer now too!" Dirty Rat Bass Turds!!! lol lol lol

That just happens to be my all time favorite expression...........Oops, My Bad!!! lol lol lol

Also, a million I love you's too all of you who stop by and cheer up my days....special people you all are and I hope everyone that you love knows that about you! And as far as for my readers that have yet to introduce yourself via the comment section......come on out and say Hi, I would love to get to know you as well!

Today is a beautiful day and I am out the door to enjoy it!

Love,

Kimberleigh

Reeling but dealing.....

2007-04-20T06:42:00.000-07:00

As usual my intuition was correct...that tiny voice telling me that my cancer was back and that it's bad. Words that not only hurt my family, my friends but words that will hurt so many of you.

I met with one of Dr. Serious's Associates who us also an Associate Teaching Professor at a leading Medical University here in Chicago...I really liked her style and we clicked instantly. Before she could talk I told her that I knew that my cancer was back and that I knew that for it to have reoccurred so soon that it really never left my body, I told her what I didn't know was what they (Doctors) were going to do to try to stop it from taking my life. What I wasn't prepared for was the news that because it is in at least 4 possibly 5 places in BOTH lungs that they are unable to operate and remove them....1, 2 and possibly 3 places they can remove with an operation...3 or more leaves me with lungs that resemble swiss cheese...understood that analogy immediately.

The other blow to my heart was the fact that I am no longer considered curable, I will be what the medical field refers to as a Chronic Cancer Patient the rest of my life, my only hope now is for remission and that people can go a long time in remission before having to do battle again...with my cancer we never know where it will show up next. I did not know until late after noon yesterday if indeed it was my BC because of the drug Tomaxifen that I have been taking since ending chemo in January masked the tumors biopsy giving it a false negative to testing for estrogen receptive/progesterone receptive positive resultls indicating that for sure it was my BC that spread to my lungs...so they now had to look at the tumors that were taken out of my left breast in August of last year and compare them to the tissue that was taken out of the tumor in my right lung and it was a match...So for sure it is my BC that spread and believe it or not, that is the good news...many, many more options with BC than with Lung Cancer....so I am happy with the diagnosis.

Tuesday morning I start chemo again...this time in a pill form that I will be taking twice a day for 2 weeks, then a week off then two more weeks on then one week off and then I will be given another scan to see if there has been a change in the tumor, nodes and nodules...if there is a decrease in size then I am on the right meds if not if they grow or spread some more, a new chemo drug will be given. Still some more good news in this heart breaking entry is that the drugs I will be taking now during this round of chemo will not be as harsh on my body as the AC and T drugs that I took before and I most likely will be keeping my new hair, eyebrows and eyelashes....yahooooo! I don't mind being ill, I mind looking ill, it makes everyone who see's me uncomfortable. I get the look "OMG she has cancer, I wonder if she's dying?" or the look where they briefly envision themselves in my shoes and they look as if they are going to throw up.....or worse yet it takes them back to a time when they lost a loved one to cancer and I see the heart break revisited in their eyes....that one gets to me! No harm done, no harm taken with those looks...if it makes them re-evaluate what they are doing wrong in their life or for their life then stare away.

Cancer was found in 4 places in my right lung....the tumor in the top right portion of my lung, the right subcarinal lymph node and the right lower hilar lymph node as well as the left upper hilar lymph node in my left lung...I also have several small nodules in both lungs that are too small to detect cancer and will be watched during chemo to see if they disappear altogether.

Treatment and hopefully remission will allow time...another silver lining in this is that breast cancer study is at the for front of most cancers and new drugs and new treatments are being developed every day....so I have many things to try to save me and give me more time with my Jim and my kids....I am NOT terminal yet and as long as I have options I will battle like the PINK WARRIOR that I am!!!

So I think I will have a great summer after all even if my boobs are a lil lopsided in all those cute summer tops I bought...hmmmmm duct tape anyone?? lmaooooo

Where my "heart" is at today....4-18-07

2007-04-18T08:00:00.000-07:00

When things are no longer able to cause harm to my heart is when I am able to share them in my blog....I have to wait until I feel safe enough from them to let them out of my head and out into the universe...once purged I am able to go on with my day and on with my life.

This past week or so as been pretty unbearable.....not so much because I will soon find out that the cancer really never left my body even after surgery, chemo and Tomaxifen but because of more personal issues....matters of my heart. First and foremost one being that Jim had to go out of town on business this week....he has become my security blanket through the ordeal we walked through together, hand in hand and heart to heart last summer...he informed work that after this week he will not be traveling again until his wife is well....He works for one of the top Fortune 500 companies in the world and we are very grateful that they are very generous with their employees and their families....He is also a Union Member which helps to protect these perks.

Secondly I have had to deal with some words that were spoken to me without the people being aware of how much they stung.....from my own family members. I have one older Brother and one older Sister, if we weren't related we would never be friends....I am sure that many of you can relate to that fact. I have never been able to lean on my Sister because I was always the stronger one, she was always angry with me because good things always seem to fall in my lap and she has had to work for everything she has. I understand her anger, but I am not responsible for my good fortune, therefore I should be made to feel bad because my life as been an easy one since overcoming our difficult childhoods.

While having a weak moment this past weekend...well, actually I was pretty weepy all weekend...I once again wanted to speak what was on my mind...my fears that I might not overcome this new battle with cancer...where she immediately went into a tirade about just because I am ready to talk about this, that I shouldn't assume everybody is ready to hear it....it went along the lines of "This isn't all about you Kim"....Oh so I guess the Patient isn't allowed to let her guard down, let her fears escape her mouth...so many issues in this relationship that even if I lived to 100 I could not get to the bottom of it. In the end after I bit her back (metaphorically speaking of course! lol) she apologized and reminded me once again that she knows that anger is always her first reaction and that she knows that it isn't always PC, but she's 45 years old and she's not about to change her ways now...a "reality check" for me once again not to think I can rely on her for anything...you think I wouldn't have to have the lesson taught to me every 5 to 6 years but I do....and I am sad for that.

The other thing that happened to me that hurt my heart took place 2 weekends ago...the night of my Pet Scan when I was out with 2 friends and my SIL...My SIL has a drinking problem and will be the first to admit it and be the first one to tell you she is not ready for change either...so be it, I am not her babysitter. So after the night out, my friends and I knew my SIL was in no condition to drive so once again I took the keys away from her and drove her home while my friends followed behind me in my truck....during this 15 minute car ride I made my mission statement about never to sit in a smoking section again ( I blogged about that a few entries down) where she proceeds to interrupt me to tell my that my cancer had nothing to do with 2nd hand smoke, mine is BC that spread to my lungs....regardless there is no prove on either side of that argument but I was just stating the fact that I won't subject myself to anymore lung damage. This is when she proceeds to tell me that if that was the case then it is she that is dealing with cancer and not I....yup, you read that right...well lets just say my Irish temper flared just a wee bit...And sarcastically I said,"Oh! That's funny because I had a breast removed last summer due to cancerous tumors and also went through 4 hellish months of Chemotherapy and after 3 months of thinking I won I recently learned that it has now spread to my lung, but you're the one dealing with cancer and not me?" Let's just say that the ride home and the attempt to get her into her home resulted in me hurting myself while my GF who is on oxygen and I picked her up off the ground several times before she made it into the house.

She called me the next morning to thank me for driving her home and that is when I told her that I think it's time she do something about her drinking, that I am concerned that there won't always be someone there to make sure she gets home safely and that she should seriously think about getting some help...I made no mention of the conversation we had on the ride home...this moment was about her...I told her that I loved her and that I think she is a bright, articulate, beautiful woman but when she is drunk she is no longer any of these...did it smart? I'm sure it did....did it do any good...I don't know just yet, but what I do know is that she really paced herself this weekend out at the lake and you could see she was definitely having a hard time doing it...My Sister who is more of an IN-YOU-FACE kind of person wants to do a full intervention...I handled it more kindly then my Sister is capable of...which tactic would best suit my SIL is still up in the air.

It's just been a very difficult week or so with me and I feel as if I was caught off guard with a jab to the gut, and upper right cut then a TKO and that I am now still looking for the smelling salt.

Good Lord did I need to get this entry out of my system...I usually never go this deep with people in my life, when it's too close it hurts too much but I needed to do this entry more than I thought. This entry will never make it into the family blog...it is not my intent to hurt my family members or shame them but this blog is my blog and where I am safe to share my thoughts without worrying if it will hurt someone elses feelings.

Fear and Loathing....Oh yeah and Happy Hour Later! lol

2007-04-17T05:43:00.000-07:00

Cancer and fear surround me
like shards of broken glass
I am afraid to move
afraid to cut myself
and bleed to death
on the thoughts that
run through in my head

This time I have foreboding
this time I feel as if I
have been cheated
I gave of myself
flesh and blood
to stop this from claiming me

I took the poison that
is used to kill this disease
chemo is it's name
only to find out
that it is I who will be
claimed by cancer after all
if I am once again
resistant to the poison

Weakness is not easy
for me to expose
it makes others uneasy
as they sit on the sidelines
and watch me do battle
so I'll remain quiet and keep
my fears to myself
as I once again
battle with the face
of a warrior
that wasn't a mask before
as it is this time around.

kmh 2007

Just as these thoughts enter my mind, my spark for life ignites once again and I am joyful for this day, for this day I do not have to do battle with cancer, this day will be spent with friends and people who love me so for today I win......I'm still afraid to shop (for myself) for I hear the whisper of dead people don't shop, sometimes I wish I could turn off the head noise........most days I can if I keep my mind occupied, it is in the darkness of night and the quiet moments of the day these whispers speak loudly to me....so many what if's? so many I love you's! So many I am sorry's....The only question now is how much time....a few months, a few years, a few more decades...I won't really know the answer to that question until after this battle is over and we once again search for this ugly disease that seems as stubborn as myself to claim victory.

There are days where I feel it has already claimed my sanity and then something in life presents itself and life goes on for the day...those moments a precious to me.....today's diversion will be a late lunch with some girlfriends and will be including Happy Hour......Bartender, MAKE MINE A DOUBLE! lol lol lol

Ok, after writing this earlier this morning I did run out and buy myself something.....shoes! Even the fear of death can't keep me from a really good shoe sale! lmaoooooo I'm on my way to happy hour!!!!!

Tags: cancer, treatment, re-occurance, fear, poetry, chemo resistant

Ready to rumble!!!! lol

2007-04-14T12:44:00.000-07:00

Ok, since I was none to pleased with the errors and contradictions I found in my Pet Scan report and summary, I contacted the Radiology Department on Friday, to get to the bottom of this...If any treatment is to be based on what that report stated then they better have the right information! They had my BC in my right breast...WRONG it was the left one although the new tumor is in the right lung, they also had a CT comparison date of January 32, 2007......I must have not gotten that memo on January's extra day this year. I was told by the Radiology Dept to call my Oncologist who ordered the test go over the discrepancies and have the Doctor reorder an amended report...I am only a layman in reading these reports what else was incorrect that I DIDN'T catch??

I also asked that as soon as the Pathology report was available on my Lung Biopsy that I start treatment immediately, whatever that might be. I was told my Onc will be on vacation all next week....Ok, I'm not waiting can I see an associate of his...yes I can.....so the report is due back no later than Wednesday, so Thursday I have an appointment at 11:00 a.m. Chemo could be re- started that same day....or they may want to schedule surgery and cut out the tumor and I am sure radiation is in my future this time around...I was told that even though my Onc would be on vacation, his associates who will be dealing with me then will all be unanimous in the correct treatment plan for me this time around....again I wish I could fast forward to the healing part...I'm not looking forward to chemo again and if it's going to be even longer than before ( 8 treatments = 4 months ) I think I will break down and cry....it seemed the longer I was into chemo the harder it was on me emotionally and physically...."CURE" is such a beautiful word.....until then all I have is "HOPE."

I am just starting to lose my fingernails from my first attempt at kicking this cancer butt...can't really feel too much discomfort in that just yet thanks to the Peripheral Neuropathy (numbness in fingers and my toes) another blessing in disguise of sorts. So here I am back at square one getting ready to do it all over again....giving up is not an option........OOOO-RAAAH!

People who need People

2007-04-14T08:18:00.000-07:00

When you open yourself up to the universe, even at the risk of getting hurt what comes back to you can be glorious! Even with cancer my cup runneth over with love and joy at how as people we connect...there are reasons paths cross and people collide with each others lives.

Wednesday while waiting for a friends test to be finished at the hospital my cell phone rings and it's pre-operation/pre testing wanting to up date my current info and update my health records, I could only find one small area where I could get a good phone signal and a chair...this conversation took 23 minutes of my health history in a nutshell...I could see an older woman trying to read but also listening in on my phone conversation...when the call was over she informed me that she too is a BC Survivor but now at 4 years into it, it has returned and is all through her bones already...not a happy ending....we shared our stories, exchanged first names and both said we would pray for one another...Helen gave me the gift of knowing that my news about my reoccurrence was not as bad as hers....again proving that someone always has it rougher than you at any given moment...gives you instant and amazing perspective.

My Second blessing that came to me that day was after finishing up at the hospital, my friend and I decided pancakes were in order, we go to a pancake house that neither one of us has been to before.(do you feel another collision of lives coming together for a purpose yet??) The hostess who is again older than myself seats us and my friend asks where the restrooms are located....(me the one with new hair growing in, her on the oxygen tank) As my friend walks away the hostess asks if she can know just what our illnesses are...me being the open book tells her that I have cancer that apparently wasn't kicked and has now spread to my right lung and my GF has Pulmonary Fibrosis.

She asks if I am a religious person, I tell her no, but that I am a very spiritual person, she asks if I knew who Pope John Paul the Second was, I nod...she then tells me that before he became gravely ill he blessed (with Holy Water) a large amount of medals and people that have been praying to him with those medals have been healed, blessed, given what they were looking for as far as jobs, spouses....whatever they prayed for and now Pope John Paul is being considered for Sainthood....She then tells me she has been given a small number of these medals and this is the point that I ask her if there is anyway I could just hold one for a moment....

She tells me," No, Dolly I want you to have it, one for you and one for you friend!' and precedes to go to her purse to bring them to my table, now my friend returns from the bathroom and see's me quite moved and I explain quickly to her what had just taken place and I tell her do you see that how when you open yourself up to people how people respond and wonderful things are shown to you...bestowed to you! The Hostess places a medal into both of our hands and while she is asking our names and full diagnosis to add us to the Catholic order of Nuns to pray for us monthly...I don't realize how tightly I am holding this medal until my hand starts to bleed because of my own fingernails digging into my skin...I was so moved that a total stranger cared enough about another total stranger to try and find a way to bring peace to my life.

The power of people helping people always amazes me and humbles me at the same time and I always try and stay open to all possibilities and find out just what encounters with total strangers are to bring to one another. Will this medal heal me? I have no idea.....but the peace just holding that medal in my hand brings me washes over my heart and my soul....whatever my outcome, I have had a very blessed life and I am thankful!

And a quick side note too! (feeling much better)

2007-04-13T09:28:00.000-07:00

Side Note....

I think because of my recent health issues I won't be able to participate with my family members in the Breast Cancer Y-Me walk here in Chicago on Mother's Day...even though I won't be able to walk, the funds that I will/have raise(d) will still go towards all the free services that the Y-Me Foundation provides.

So for those of you that have already pledged I adore you for this...for those of you that would like to please go to my personal page that the Y-Me Foundation provides and pledge...you can do so in my honor or the honor of who you wish...I wanted to walk in honor of anyone touched by cancer...not only breast cancer, so even though I might not be able to do the walk, I want to still attend on the side lines while my team (which is my family, walks for me) If you would like me to add a name to my T-Shirt of who I walk for please drop me an email and I will add it to my shirt if I am well enough to attend....Stephanie and Trish please know you are already on my list....and Jeanne so is your Allen! If I am to ill by Mother's Day my T-shirt and my family will walk it for me....big family - big love!

So please help me in my walk to ...."SAVE THE TA TA'S" lol lol lol

Y-ME National Breast Cancer Organization: Race to Empower - Chicago:

Tags: Y-Me National Breast Cancer Organization: Race to Empower - Chicago

Just a quick update!

2007-04-13T05:36:00.000-07:00

I didn't get home until almost 5:30....long day! I was asked if I was in any pain and I had to retort, "Only when I breath!" The Nurse assigned to me had her last chemo round last year..her cancer? Breast Cancer! It's amazing why people's path cross isn't it? She called down to see if I was suppose to be experiencing this kind of pain and they told her no....enter Vicodin. Within a half an hour I was able to take in a decent amount of air in without pain....my o2 levels never dropped below 92 and a chest x-ray was ordered 4 hours after the test to make sure there wasn't any fluid building up in my lungs (standard procedure)

Sleep was not restful....kinda hard to get into a good REM when every time you move, you kinda wince in pain...even though another vicodin did help some...rolling over in bed was a major OUCH!

So today I will take to my bed, try and catch up on some sleep....my mind is as weary as my body right now....there is no such thing as a good day when there wasn't a good night spent before it!

I want to thank the many wonderful J-Landers that have reached out through the net to brighten up many of my days! Jeanne as usual your timing and choice of cards were perfect...it was waiting for me when Jim and I came home and Jcole....you have no idea how much that quilt meant to me...I stayed wrapped up in it all night and it's the perfect shade of pink! lol Every commenter has touched my life and my heart so much that I will never forget your kindness and the way you carried me on the days that I stumbled.

I am blessed yet again with wonderful on-line friends and every time something good comes from me sharing this journey with the WWW and I inadvertently help someone else... it will be in honor of all thatyou gave to me!

Love,
Kimberleigh

Say What???? lol

2007-04-12T06:31:00.000-07:00

Pathology Impression

1. The 19 x 18 mm right lower lobe pulmonary nodule is abnormally metabolically active and is malignant until proven otherwise. (hense the lung biopsy later this morning) There is evidence for metastases to the 16 mm right subcarnial lymph node, lower right hilar, upper left hilar lymph nodes.

2. The small pulmonary nodules seen on ct scan as well as the small anterior mediastinum lymph nodes do not demonstrate abnormal metabolic activity. The T10 sclerotic lesion also does not demonstrate abnormal metabolic activity.

3. Residual apparent post operative changes involving the left breast (new boob)

I found a lot of type o's on this report also on the full summary (Thanks Mary!) they even had my cancer marked for the wrong boob....I wil get to the bottom of this before they do anything more than this lung biopsy today....page one of my pathology report contradicts some things on the second page summary.

I will be having my C/T Cat Scan guided needle biopsy on my right lung(say that 3 times fast! lol) this morning....I have to be at the Hosptal by 9:30 a.m. for an 11:00 a.m test....I will be given a "twilight" drug for the procedure and the test itself should only be about an hour long but I have to stay there for 4 hours after the test is finished to make sure that there hasn't been any bleeding or air entering or leaving the site of the biospy area...I had no problem with the needle biopsy of my breast last summer but the thought of a needle entering my lung makes me wanna say "POP!" enter warped sense of humor giggle here!lol

I should know what we are dealing with exactly by late afternoon Monday...I have a feeling it will surgery first, then some more rounds of chemo and radiation this time...at least that is what my intuition is screaming in my ear for the last couple of days...whatever it is....I'm ready for it!

I won round one, I'll win round 2.....I'm not going anywhere just yet! Reason one, Jim and the kids of course....reason two.....I'm finally getting my body back PLUS new and improved, perkier boobs and I want to show it all off this summer! MY BAD!!!! lol lol lol

Tags: Pathology reports, lung biopsy, lung lesions

A really great quote!

2007-04-11T06:03:00.000-07:00

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face.... You must do the thing you think you cannot do."
--Eleanor Roosevelt--

If someone would have told me how at some point in my life I would have to dig deep and overcome things that I never thought I could overcome..... I would have never believed them.

I don't like to be sick, when I was sick before BC (Before Cancer) I sure did whine and complain about it. I have always been on the feisty side so nothing ever kept me down for long, but I remember thinking I didn't think I could handle anything sicker than a flu or something. Often I hear from people that don't think they could be as strong as I am in the face of dealing with cancer once and then quickly again...I never thought I would be able to be this strong either...I thought I would whine and complain and whoa is me and lock myself up in my room and wait for death to come claim me. That quote above holds the truth.....Now if this was Jim (everybody knock on wood!) I know I would crumble and die...but it's me and I love him so very much so I am not about to give up and abandon the life and love we have for one another. Nothing would be sadder for me to have to walk along my path in life without him by my side...I could not even imagine going 10, 20, 30 or 40 more years without that man.....not even a day.....and I now that he feels the same way I do....So he is my drive, my strength to get through what I have already been through with cancer and chemo and what I still have in my path ahead of me.

Many nights we lay in bed face to face, looking into each others faces and talk about our life together....past, present and future and we have more conversations in the dark about important matters than I think we ever do by the light of day...maybe that's because life gets busy during the day and we don't have time for those kind of moments...we have the kids to deal with, and he works extremely hard to provide and give the gift of me being able to stay home and raise our own children... we have a full social life that keeps us busy and very happy....so it's those times in the dark that we have those moments....those conversations...the time to tell each other how happy we make one another.

He has given me the perfect life...."My" perfect life...there is not anything that I am lacking, Iam spoiled rotten, have been all my life and he knew that before and he married me anyway! lol He spoils me more than I ever was before and I adore him! I remember there was a time when all the guys were giving him a hard time about just how spoiled I really am and even though they meant no harm by it, he felt the need to "Check" them.....he told them she is the most important person/thing in his life, why wouldn't I want to see her happy? I make Kim happy because I can and because I love her and she gives back just as much.....that kinda made them re-evaluate their own marriages and how they very rarely put their own wives first...and it shut them up for good! lol...as just two people we are far from perfect, but we are perfect for each other and that's all that matters!

My Philosophy on a good, strong marriage has always been...I put him before me and his needs are met and he puts me before him and my needs are met.....both of us are looked after and taken care of and loved immensely for doing so....works for the both of us! Ü

I am a very lucky woman to have that man at my side, but I think many of you who know me very well....also know that I would have never settled for anyone less than My Jim!.....I'm sucha stinka! lol lol lol

Tags: overcoming fears, making a marriage last, cancer

Todays word........GIDDY! lol

2007-04-10T04:32:00.000-07:00

Ohh Happy Day!!!!

I was getting a lil nervous yesterday afternoon when I still hadn't heard from Dr. Serious.....I thought good news he would call me right away to share the good news and put my mind at ease....I called and left a message at 9:22 a.m. I wanted to know if he had the results of the PET Scan, if he ordered the blood work yet? And when is the needle biopsy?...It was soon 3:00 p.m. and nothing..nada....so I called again...One of his nurses called me back right away and said that the Doctor had received my earlier message......blah blah blah...he'll call you back as soon as he is finished with his patients for the day...I have no problem with that.....he is very thorough and he gives all of his patients his undivided attention.

3:30 the phone rings it's Dr. Serious......Kim that area in your lung did light up (Knew it would..my intuition is soooo uncanny) He said my thyroid also lit up as well as some areas around my new boob....neither of those two things seemed to be of any importance to him...the thyroid always lights up he said for many different reasons and the new boob can be from the healing process....(my intuition tells me this will be a problem zone before this is all over) but I am thrilled that it isn't anywhere else in my body....no other organs, no bone.............so everybody Happy Dance!!!!!!

This morning I go for blood work....no biggie and Thursday late morning I have the Cat Scan guided needle biopsy of the tumor in my lung...I know what it is, he knows what it is but he says crazier things have been found in doing these kind of lung biopsy's. I am sure it will test ER/PR positive just like my breast tumors did and that will be all.....treatment will be discussed after needle biopsy results are in.....whatever it is I am ready for it! This is such a small tumor and I have such a full life......

Oh cancer....I'm gonna win round two also....I told ya, you don't stand a chance with me!!!! lol lol lol

Tags: needle biopsy, pet scans, secondary cancer

Soap Box, High Horse? WHATEVER!!!! lol lol lol

2007-04-09T07:37:00.000-07:00

Well, today I should hear the results of the PET Scan....the waiting is killing me (not sure if a cancer patient should use that term anymore! lol kinda freaks everyone out! lol) When I have to sit and wait, I'm not doing anything else to combat this cancer....I wish I could have started a treatment already as soon as I found out about the new cancer last Monday.

I had a very insane week, I did cry at crazy times but mostly spent the week laughing with girlfriends....Friday after the PET Scan which ended at 2:00 p.m. we all went out till midnight....I must have laughed so much that I pulled a muscle in my left side chest wall....the rib hurts just below the new boob...I spent a very uncomfortable night trying to sleep and breath at the same time...it has become even more painful and I will be talking to Dr. Serious (Onc) about it later today...in the meantime I'm back on the vicodin.

I have also had a lot of time to think about other ways I can be proactive in buying more time here with my Jim and my kids. Most of our friends (lake friends) smoke.....the more they drink the more they smoke, so I made a decision that from now on I will never ever sit in the smoking section of a restaurant again.....a smoker can always leave the table and go to the bar and smoke....can you just see me the non smoker sitting down at a table of strangers seated in the non smoking section asking if I could sit with them for a few while my friends smoked through dinner and conversation? I said I did not want to hurt anyone's feelings but if they cannot go out to eat (which we all do a lot) and sit in the non-smoking section then please do not be offended if Jim and I decline the dinner invitation. He has never smoked and I quit 22 years ago.

They say an ex smoker is the most obnoxious...I am here to tell you that is the truth..I don't allow anyone to smoke in my home...if they are a guest in my home, they still have to smoke outside, no one is allowed to smoke in my vehicles...I have always refused for my kids to be driven anywhere with someone who smokes....no thank you I will drive them and pick them up. I now know that my lungs are compromised and I'm not taking anymore chances....we all now smoking is hazardous to your health, it's on the damn packages...well it's hazardous to my health too. ...just to let you know my Sister still has not had a cigarette since finding out that my cancer has now spread to my lungs....silver lining in everything I tell ya!.....Kelly, YOU GO GIRL!!!!!

Such a stubborn girl! lol lol lol

2007-04-08T06:48:00.000-07:00

Last Monday when I got the news I immediately called Jim and asked him to come home....he was home in 30 minutes. During that 30 minutes I let a few tears slip, I called my closest girlfriends to let them know the results and I called my Mother.....none of them handled it very good. My one GF, Judy who is a 3.5 year lung cancer survivor (Yeah girl!) had a tumor the size of a lemon and they removed that portion of her lung and only gave her radiation. They told her at her last check up when she asked how come chemo was not an option for her they told her that they have made great strides in Lung Cancer since then and that if she was to be a new LC patient chemo would be a definite. My tumor is only the size of a nickel....piece of cake right!!! lol I am still holding my breath just a little because if the cancer has already spread to my lungs from the breast...just where else did it escape to? The PET Scan I had on Friday will answer that. So here are the scenarios....

It's just in my lung, in that one spot and it is my ER/PR positive Breast Cancer (Same kind Elizabeth Edwards had) and can easily be treated again with chemo, shutting down my ovaries with that new shot they have so I no longer produce estrogen and feed these blasted tumors that keep forming and/or just a simple surgery to remove the tumor and then some radiation. So it could just be surgery or surgery with chemo (again) or surgery with chemo and radiation. Either way it's nothing that I can't handle right?? Truly BEEN THERE DONE THAT! lol lol lol

Now of the PET Scan shows it has spread to other areas then it will be a whole new ball game. Am I up for the treatment? When you want to live you have no other choice but to give it all you got and warrior through it! In my heart I do not think this is the death of me...but since my cancer is so very aggressive (#3....that's tops on that scale) it's tougher to treat and keep in remission.....that's totally obvious now that the cancer still made it through 4 months of chemo, but then again so did I!!!

Good thing I am a stubborn Irish Woman huh? lol lol lol

And another thing happened that Monday..remember I went out with some of my GF's? Well, On the highway there was a SUV on it's side and they were using the jaws of life to extricate the occupants...even though I was told that afternoon that my cancer was back I still knew someone else was having a worse day than me at that moment....there is always a bigger picture and something to humble you by.

A sincere question answered and a million Thank You's!

2007-04-07T07:09:00.000-07:00

I want to thank all of you who have reached across the world wide web to bring me comfort...this blog lets me say what is on my mind, it's like a really good friend who just lets me talk without interruption and all the comments are what is to be said after I am finished talking. Just know that you all have touched my life in ways people that I interact with daily are incapable of and I love you all so much for that. J-Land is where we allow each other to speak our minds and not hold judgement....for those that have experienced something different than that unconditional love.....I am so sorry.

I had a great comment left from Kathy over Secret Garden
She wanted to know just what do people want to hear when they are seriously ill or dying and what they don't want to hear...so many people are afraid to address the issue because they do not know what to say....I can tell you my thoughts on this.

First off an "I love you!" always works...it gives the ill one a chance to say I love you back and sometimes that's all is needed. Those three little words carry so much meaning. Another one is "I am so sorry you are going through this, I can't even imagine how scared you might be!" Another one which will take a strong person to do is "Is there anything I can do for you that you don't think a loved one can handle?" and besides the "I love you" the next best one is to share with that person just how much they have meant to you, share an old memory, share an old story....let them know just how they touched your life or heart and if you can be specific about it. Saying I will pray for you is comforting, saying I think about you is wonderful, saying I wish there is something else I could do for you.....nice sentiments even though the person who is ill knows there is nothing to be done. Sometimes just a promise to call or visit is reassuring that they matter to you. We don't always want to talk or have visitors, no one likes others to see them when they are weak and vulnerable...wait for a good day and let them reach out to you...and don't think just because they aren't returning your calls or email that you must not matter to them, you do but they're dealing with something bigger at the moment.

What we don't want to hear when the news is really bad is that everything is going to be ok, ok came and went along time ago...I do not fear death for myself, like I said life or death is a win/win situation for me....stay and live with my loved ones here on Earth or go and be with my loved ones who have already passed.....my tears are for my loved ones are who are going to go through watching me suffer and letting me go. I don't like being the one to cause that kind of pain....but it is the circle of life and we all must leave or be left by someone. And when they want to talk about possibly dying don't tell them to hush, even though you don't want to think about it, or go there in your mind that it might happen that person, the one who is ill needs to say it out loud..they must be heard! It took away some of my fear and made me feel that I got some of my power back. Not talking about death doesn't make it go away.

I have a friend that is very angry at God right now for this, I try to change her way of thinking, I am not angry at God, I am angry at cancer...She also wanted to know how I still handle everyday with a fighting spirit and where to I get the drive to keep fighting..how can I not crawl up into my bed and let death take me? ....my analogy was this.....think of the Grinch who stole Christmas and how very small his heart was, so small he could not see the wonderment all around him and when he finally got and I mean really got it,,,,, how much bigger his heart became...and he was able to take in all that truly was wonderful and important to him...that is what cancer gave me....my heart is so big and full now.....every little thing I am thankful for and I am not going to go without a fight to have more time here, I am going to enjoy every moment that I have and give cancer only what I have to....a breast, an afternoon at the hospital, a day spent in bed, blood a few tears....but the rest of my time is mine and I want to spend it living it up! lol

I hope this give you all a lil more insight on what to do when this situation presents itself to you.

Life is good and I am thankful.....I just want more time....wish me more time!

Tags: Cancer, Death, Dying, Conversations with the sick and dying

Where my head is at today...4/6/07

2007-04-06T07:23:00.000-07:00

My emotions are still all over the place, one minute I am fine and strong and think this is just another bump in my road and then the next minute I cannot ignore the voice in my head that says this is bad, very bad. For Cancer to come back so soon means that they never got it all in the first place. So maybe I wasn't a Stage IIB Breast Cancer patient after all.........obviously it has spread making me a Stage IIII. We really won't know exactly what type of cancer is now in my right lung until they do the needle biopsy. I am having the PET Scan done at noon today.....weird instructions and restrictions with that.....like only protein the night before and 6 hours before the test today, no physical activity 24 hours including vigorous walking.

I went with a friend to her Pulmonary (lung) Specialist yesterday, one reason to take notes for her, so she could remember all that was said and ordered and two, I wanted to ask a few questions of my own.....like now that it has spread to my lungs am I going to need a Lung M.D. myself? First he asked who my team of Doctors were, when I told them he said I was in excellent hands.....been hearing that from every person in the medical field I have spoke to since my cancer journey has began....reassurance is always good! He asked me if they knew what kind of cancer it was in my lungs yet and I told him that I have not had the needle biopsy a of yet. He said that if indeed it is the BC that has spread the lung which is a very common occurrence then it will be treated differently than if it is your regular run of the mill, so to speak lung cancer. The one good thing I have going for me besides all this love around me is that my Cancer is estrogen related....easiest type of cancer to treat....doesn't explain why it still made it through all that chemo though does it?

I finally had somewhat of a good cry late yesterday afternoon...there are only 2 people in my world that I can let my guard down long enough to do this and Jim is one of them of course and my Mother being the other. I really hate to break down in front of my Mother, I know the "Mother's pain" when my own children cry...your heart breaks right along with theirs and there isn't a damn thing you can do to ease their pain. The timing wasn't perfect either, I was driving back home from dinner with my stoic soon to be 16 year old daughter who thinks she is stronger emotionally than her other family members...I remember thinking that same damn thing when I was her age and I lost my Father. I self destructed for the next 5 years after he died...she too will shatter into a million pieces when she finally falls apart from it...I didn't let it out emotionally until I was well into my 30's....talk about suppression huh?

When people are ill and I mean could be at deaths door sooner than they ever thought, they need to talk about that...my first time around I only toyed with the idea of dying....now it could very well be a imminent possibility.....those who love me, can't get past the thought of it, but PLEASE let the person who is ill..speak their mind, speak their wishes no matter how difficult it is to listen to........at this time we don't want reassurances that things will be ok.....things are NOT ok at the moment..we just want to know we are being heard and our wishes will be granted....just a lil insight when you have to deal with possibly losing someone.

I found a great quote in another blog I stumbled on yesterday, it was written by Sandra Day O'Connor

"We don't accomplish anything in this world alone ... and whatever happens is the result of the whole tapestry of one's life and all the weavings of individual threads from one to another that creates something."

Just know that you all have been a 'thread' in my life and what a beautiful tapestry you helped weave! I'm not giving up....I'm just taking a lil longer to bounce back this time!

Good Times!

2007-04-05T05:31:00.000-07:00

You have no idea how much I adore this man! We have been friends, bestest of friends since we were 10 years old! This is a man who knows everything there is to know about me and then some ;) He knows almost about me as much as Jim does, I don't hide anything...I have always been an open book.

I remember once when Oprah was looking for unusual friendships, on a whim I called and spoke to one of the Producers and began telling her the story of Kim and Jeff's excellent adventures....they wanted to book us for the show...I had to decline...for us to tell the world about our adventures as best friends was not the problem... for our Mothers to find out all the crazy things we did (and survived) would surely be the death of both of us! lol Even in our 40's we don't want the wrath only a Mother can bring down on a mischievous child who grew to be a mischievous adult! lol lol lol

He moved to L.A. back in the early 90's I missed him terribly! There is still a group of us since grade school who still keep in touch all these years. Back in the Spring of 2000, I went and spent 10 days with him in L.A. It was the first time that I was away from Jim and the kids, I thought my heart would break but as soon as I landed in L.A. I knew I would hate to return home...it was fantastic!

I went to a private Hollywood Party at the Beverly Hills Hotel, I went and played on the beaches of Malibu, I went up into the Hollywood hills as close to the 'Hollywood' sign as I possibly could get....I danced in the street one a warm California night when we weren't ready for the night to end even though it was 4 O'clock in the morning...definitely good times! Happy memory for me for sure!

I remember the day of the private party, my Jeff took me to a salon owned by the cattiest, cutest gay men...I can't remember their names but boy the look over I got was scorching! lol They whispered to each other back and forth then both walked up to me and said...... "Emergency Head to Toe makeover!" They said the first thing we are going to do is get rid of that "Texas Beauty Queen Hair!" lol lol lol I have to admit it was BIG! So feeling very much Like Dorthy in the Wizard of Oz scene when they make her over to see the Wizard I let them have their way with me as to speak! lol And below was the finished product! I didn't realize what a good job they did at cleaning me up...I thought I hated the hair...but now looking back...I looked freaking fantastic! lmaooooo They did my hair, my make up and my clothes for the night...I was no longer a Chicago girl I was a California girl! Wooooo hooooo!

This also was the trip that me and a bunch of gay men took a road trip from L.A. to Vegas....you ain't had fun till you experience that, let me tell you! lmaooooo Yes, my friends my DH is a SAINT! ....but that trip is another story for another day....for sure! lol

Talk about closing a door then opening a window...life is amazing isn't it??

2007-04-04T09:43:00.000-07:00

First of all my pity party for one had been canceled......NEXT!

I have to admit, I have been kinda free falling since my surgeon called to let me know that cancer has been found in my lung now....I am fine one minute, then scared the next, I have to many things I need to say that my loved ones aren't ready to hear. I know I would have a hard time hearing these things but they still need to leave my head via my mouth...it will give me some of my power back.

I had those words with my Darling Jim at 4:00 o'clock this morning...I figured the darkness would hide what he has been hiding from me for a few days now....his fear, his pain in possibly losing me...he can't even talk about this, he's too afraid he will break down in front of me and you know all that manly stuff.....just not allowed! I couldn't bare to witness his heartbreak anyway.....so we both were hiding something in the dark of night.

Well, I just ran across a new blogger, dealing with the same illness I am and she IS just what I needed....she is strong (like me) slightly not right in the head (like me! lol) and uses her humor to warrior through this pain in the ass cancer that is all wrapped up with a pink ribbon.

You see when even the toughest begin to struggle, something or someone is placed right in the middle of their "here and now" and a life rope is handed to them ( I hope that I have done this for others as well)....a new can of whooooop Ass! Please stop over at her blog and take a read and introduce yourself.... The Uniboob Club Even the name of her blog sends me flying into the chits and giggles!

Oh Cancer?? I am ready for round 2 now! Oh, and by the way.........."Momma said, knock you out!" lol lol lol

Just words trying to find meaning.....

2007-04-04T08:34:00.000-07:00

Cancer you are the tears
that just rest on the edge of my eyes
My stubbornness refuses
to let them fall .... but
you are the reason I do lose
it, when I speak of my children
you are so cruel to those that love me.
You are the reason
my Husband has no words
and I hate you for that,
how dare you try to take me from him!
You are the breaker of
all hearts who love me
You are the thief
vying for my life
You are the one
who steals hopes and dreams
You are the one
I am mad as hell at!
I am slowly gathering my
strength once again
this is to be my fate.
Even though you are still here
you will not beat me!
I may get ill, I may be defeated
and I may die, but hear this...
You will never steal me
from the hearts of those who love me
not even you have that kind of power.

kmh 2007

Where my head is at today 4/3/07

2007-04-03T04:21:00.000-07:00

1:40 p.m. Yesterday I awoke from an afternoon nap......something I haven't done since chemo (napping that is, not the waking part! lol) My cell phone is ringing, it's my Surgeon who calls me with the news I already knew but wanted to be told my intuition was wrong this time. When I heard the pap test was abnormal I panicked for about a minute then this little voice in the back of my head told me Kim, it's going to be alright....then we find the new lump in the right boob...momentarily panic or maybe I was just annoyed that this cancer shit wasn't ending but still I heard that little voice telling me don't worry...all is well.

When I was told the breast MRI showed a suspicious lesion on my lung......I waited for that little voice....it never spoke to me again. Having that dream over the weekend about going through my things and giving things away because I was dying was that little voice telling me my fate.

Do I think I am dying? Not just yet.....do I think even though I won round 1 and now have to do round 2 that I am dying....little voice tells me no.....but that little voice tells me that is what will claim me when my time here on earth is through....either way it's a win/win situation for me......I fight this battle and win, I get to spend more time with loved ones......I fight this battle and loose and I get to spend some time with my loved ones who have already passed over to the other side......the ones that won't win are the ones I'll leave behind....we who are left behind hurt and grieve and feel the loss the most....I know this to be true because of those I have already lost.

For Jim's sake I pray not now, not this time...life will be to painful for him, my children will suffer the most......loosing your parent when you are a child really messes you up and sometimes it takes years to see just how messed up you are/were.

Last night my GF called me who only at 39 is on an oxygen tank due to pulmonary fibrosis and our other GF who twitches up a storm because her nerves are shot since her Father died of lung cancer a few years ago decided in the wake of my bad news........happy hour was definitely needed......so there we were, one bald chick, one oxygenated chick and a twitching chick got a lil sloshed......I needed it, they needed it and today is a new day.

Me, Mar and Chelle

So I'm still working through some issues now but I wanted to thank all of you for once again carrying me when I am to weary to carry myself.....I don't know just how I feel right now but I'm working on that.

Just got the note that I had inadvertently put in march 3, 07.....Freudian slip? Happier time? probably a lil bit of both. Any way I changed it.

Well, I was feeling yellow.....

2007-04-02T13:13:00.000-07:00

Now I'm just feeling...........numb.

It's back, I have a malignant tumor about 3 quarters of an inch in diameters...right lung, on the back just below my shoulder blade about 2 inches off my spine.

3 months to the day of my last chemo.....tests have been ordered for a few blood tests, a full PET scan (about time) and I will have a C/T guided needle biopsy just to see exactly what I am dealing with. I am still waiting for the times and dates, they are in the works....so much for my new hair huh?? good thing I kept goldylocks and my Liza Minelli style eye lashes huh? I'm crying, laughing and pissed off all over again.

Round and round she goes, where she stops....nobody knows.

"Yellow"

2007-04-02T08:06:00.000-07:00

I came along,
I wrote a song for you,
And all the things you do,
And it was called "Yellow."

Just of few lines from Coldplay's song called "Yellow" I love the song and the color yellow! I believe the color yellow symbolizes my "life force"

No Shoes....just shot gun shells! lol

2007-03-30T05:28:00.000-07:00

I don't know about the rest of the world but by day I don't have a care in the world.....but come nightfall is when the weight of the world sits on my shoulders. Thanks to the Doctor and that lil bottle of xannnax I have no problem falling asleep....it's if I wake up in the middle of the night is when my mind goes on overload and either I can't fall back to sleep at all or I stay in that in between state of half awake and half asleep and remember every detail.

Since I had to start flushing my system with lots of water(3 p.m. yesterday) for today's test I was up making several trips to the bathroom all night. I had many dreams and in my dreams last night I was going around saying goodbye to everyone and finding things around my home that had sentimental meanings to me and giving them to certain people who would hold onto that meaning. I was at peace with my fate..I remember every sentence started out with "I am dying and I want you to have this" kinda morbid I know! I don't put much thought into interpreting my dreams....not that I don't believe we dream for a reason....I just usually never needed to figure it out, I always awoke content.....usually my dreams settle something in my sleep mode that I can't settle in my wake mode.

I know with my Sister, every time she dreamed her teeth were falling out someone in our circle of life passed away. Now that she has dentures......I don't know if it holds the same meaning...Her teeth come out every night!!!! lmaooooooo

I am going to work out this morning, it has improved my strength and endurance greatly...but then it will be a quiet day spent at home...I've been on the verge of a migraine since last night...first one in a long time which is a very good sign..last one was August of last year while I was in the hospital following my Mastectomy..which caused me to get sick to my stomach then Atrial Fib.....crossing my fingers that doesn't happen again today!

I didn't get to go shoe shopping......I ended up at the gun range all afternoon instead! Don't ask! lol lol lol

Tags: dreams, health, migraines, Atrial Fib

coping, shoe shopping and nicknames

2007-03-29T06:18:00.000-07:00

Hmmmmm......strange, very strange!

By now you all know my nicknames for my host of Doctors, there is Dr. Hollywood (My Plastic Surgeon) Dr. McHottie (My Surgeon) and Dr. Serious (My Oncologist)..and can't even tell you the name I have for my new Gynie! lol!

So with my last chemo round in January, Dr. Serious pats me on the back and says see you in May....now I'm freaking! See you in May? What about other tests? What about making sure that all the cancer is really gone? And I'm told that when I had the full body bone scan followed by the full body cat scan that the cancer(tumors) wasn't found anywhere else in my body.......just my breast, so removing that breast was in my best interest.....totally agreed. Dr. Serious said that the Tomaxifen that I would be taking for a long time would take care of the cancer cells that survived chemo.......yes you heard me right, cancer cells can survive even after chemo....kinda made my blood run cold.

So with all the recent health scares, I've let my surgeon Dr. McHottie take care of them.....he is extremely thorough and I am forever grateful.....he orders the tests, I have them done and they send the results back to him....Well, I guess this suspicious lesion made him want to alert my Dr. Serious, so at 8:00 a.m. this morning my phone rings....it's Dr. Serious telling me that I need to get a Lung Cat Scan ASAP........done that already! (It's tomorrow afternoon) and then tells me that he will need to see me right away as soon as the results are in....strange thing is....I'm not in a panic!

Like I said before....it is what it is and I can't change that fact....I only have control over how I deal with it. Cancer took a breast, cancer (chemo) took a few months of my life.....but I won't let cancer take today from me. And to sit and worry all day will give cancer another day of my life.....not gonna happen! lol

I'm going shoe shopping! lmaoooooooo

Tags: Breast Cancer, Lung lesions, Coping with Cancer

What's going on........

2007-03-28T07:07:00.000-07:00

Spring break......good for the kids, good for me too. I get to sleep in a hour and a half longer. Yesterday my kids were at my Sisters house. Something about a water balloon fight, an attempt to hook up a hose from one of her bathroom sinks to run outside, and a busted pipe (which turned out not to be, just a leaky connection) and a rather large puddle on the floor made me very happy that they weren't at my house! lol

Now news from "My Extreme Cancer Make Over"..between working out 3 times a week for the 3 months before I was diagnosed I had lost 15 pounds back then....yeah for me! Then between the surgery and the chemo I had lost another 22 pounds....pretty soon I am going weigh as much as my driver's license says I do <smirk> which reminds me of a story.....

My drivers license was going to expire while me and the girlfriends were on our "Desperate Housewives Cruise" back in 2005 (that trip is somewhere in my archives, another good read! lol), so before I was about to leave the country (US of A) I went to the DMV.....We all know how pleasant they can be right??? lol So I am standing in line where you have to give up your old license and update your information and the man is looking at my DL, then looking at me, then looking at the DL and back again at me....then in that "I hate my job monotone" he says, "Is there anything you would like to change on your drivers license?" and I say, "No" he says, "Are you sure? There is nothing that you should change?" again I say "No" now it's a full blown stare down.......finally he asks again if everything is current on the information and I said,"Yes when I first got my driver's license I was 5 foot 0 inches and I'm still 5 foot 0 inches! My hair is still blonde and my eyes are still blue!" He just avoided my glare as he handed me back my stuff and said, "Next!' lmaooooooooo

Silly! Silly Man! lol lol lol

Tags: DMV, Weight loss, Cancer

Animal Kingdom (photo part 2)

2007-03-27T07:31:00.000-07:00

Tags: Lions, Zoo Cats

Animal Kingdom (Photo Part 1)

2007-03-27T07:28:00.000-07:00

Tags: Sea Lions, Elephants

What a wonderful world....

2007-03-26T05:48:00.000-07:00

I had such a wonderful weekend! Saturday was spent at the lake then we had dinner at my Sisters house and then went and joined all our other friends over at one of their homes, where we all just sat around and enjoyed everyone's company....for the girls it was like a flash back to a sleep over, we invaded our friends closet and tried everything on, I had gone shopping earlier in the day so I had 2 bags full of new summer clothes, so out of the truck they came and into the bedroom...they guys who couldn't even act like they were interested (LOL) and totally ignored our impromptu fashion show.....Well, until all the 'boob tops' came out! lol We of course are blaming our behavior all on the wine!!! <smirk> We were home and in bed around midnight....I love those nights spent out with friends. Thinking about those nights while I was sick and in bed for 4 months helped me visualize myself getting better, getting stronger and to finally be in that moment....I just can't find the right words or the right phrase....truly beautiful to my core, my soul, to be in that moment!

Sunday was even more beautiful than the day before so we all headed out to the lake and did a BBQ. Some were doing a lil fishing, some practicing their bows and some shot a few rounds of skeet shooting. I opted for a long walk in the woods. The ground was damp and the scent was earthy, I was serenaded by the bull frogs and the crickets...I took paths that I never remembered seeing before....such a calmness came forth in me. I could see the leaf buds just starting on the trees, the moss was just a beautiful shade of green on the damp tree trunks and there was me, out in the woods....... with no camera! (ugh) I found this one skinny tree that had small mushrooms growing all the way up its side......like a stairway to heaven..that would of been a great shot! I just hope I can find it next weekend when I bring my camera and try to bring back some of the beauty that was all around me.

As far as my latest health concern goes, God has given me the peace that I needed.......it is what it is and worrying isn't going to change that. I already know what I'll do if the news is bad, I will once again warrior through it and if the news is good, I will once again be thankful for another blessing bestowed upon me and today..........we are all going to the ZOO! And I wont forget my camera this time!

Life is beautiful and I am thankful!

Heard it in a love song......

2007-03-25T06:02:00.000-07:00

Little Big Town
"Bring It On Home"

You got someone here wants to make it alright
Someone who loves you more than life right here
You got willing arms that'll hold you tight
A hand to lead you on through the night right here
I know your heart can get all tangled up inside
But don't you keep it to yourself

[Chorus:]
When your long day is over
And you can barely drag your feet
The weight of the world is on your shoulders
I know what you need
Bring it on home to me

You know I know you like the back of my hand
But did you know I'm gonna do all that I can right here
I'm gonna lie with you till you fall asleep
When the morning comes I'm still gonna be right here (yes I am)
So take your worries and just drop them at the door
Baby leave it all behind

[Chorus]

Baby let me be your safe harbor
Don't let the water come and carry you away

[Chorus]

You got someone here wants to make it alright
Someone who loves you more than life right here

Thank you Jim for always being my safe harbor, for loving me the way you do....you always know what to say, you always know what do to.....nobody does it better than you!